aXXo SubTitles

Laberinto del fauno, El

2008-08-31T03:19:00.000-07:00

Year: 2006
Genre: Drama, Fantasy, Mystery, Thriller
IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0457430/

Filename: Pan's.Labyrinth[2006]DvDrip[Eng.Sub]-aXXo.avi

Video
Video Size: 528 x 288
Frame Rate: 23.976 fps
Number of frames: 171000 frames
Codec FourCC: DX50
Duration: 01:58:52.132
Aspect Ratio: 1:1 (1:1)

Audio
Codec: MP3
Mode: STEREO
BitRate: 12000 Bps / 96 kbps
Frequency: 48000 Hz
Duration: 01:58:52.128 (81 MBytes)

SubTitles: Pan's.Labyrinth[2006]DvDrip[Eng.Sub]-aXXo.srt

1

00:00:42,489 --> 00:00:48,860

Spain, 1944



2

00:00:50,063 --> 00:00:51,431

The Civil War is over.



3

00:00:51,431 --> 00:00:53,567

Hidden in the mountains,



4

00:00:53,567 --> 00:00:55,769

armed men are still f·ghting

the new Fascist regime.



5

00:00:55,769 --> 00:00:58,033

Military posts are established

to exterminate the Resistance.



6

00:01:21,128 --> 00:01:24,928

A long time ago,



7

00:01:27,167 --> 00:01:31,968

in the Underground Realm,

where there are no lies or pain,



8

00:01:33,039 --> 00:01:37,032

there lived a princess who dreamt

of the human world.



9

00:01:39,045 --> 00:01:44,244

She dreamt of blue skies,

soft breeze and sunshine.



10

00:01:49,356 --> 00:01:50,550

One day,



11

00:01:51,291 --> 00:01:54,920

eluding her keepers,

the princess escaped.



12

00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,826

Once outside...



13

00:02:03,303 --> 00:02:06,932

the bright sun blinded her

and erased her memory.



14

00:02:09,876 --> 00:02:13,073

She forgot who she was

and where she came from.



15

00:02:13,547 --> 00:02:19,782

Her body suffered cold, sickness and pain.

And eventually she died.



16

00:02:21,121 --> 00:02:23,351

However, her father, the king,



17

00:02:23,657 --> 00:02:26,683

always knew that the Princess' soul

would return,



18

00:02:27,194 --> 00:02:28,661

perhaps in another body,



19

00:02:29,329 --> 00:02:31,854

in another place, at another time.



20

00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:35,792

He would wait for her,

until he drew his last breath,



21

00:02:36,136 --> 00:02:39,435

until the world stopped turning.



22

00:02:48,315 --> 00:02:50,806

Why did you bring

so many books, Ofelia?



23

00:02:50,984 --> 00:02:53,578

We're going to the country,

the outdoors.



24

00:02:59,092 --> 00:03:00,753

Fairy tales?



25

00:03:01,161 --> 00:03:05,257

You're a bit too old to be filling your head

with such nonsense.



26

00:03:08,335 --> 00:03:10,235

Ask him to stop the car.



27

00:03:24,384 --> 00:03:27,217

Ofelia, wait.



28

00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:29,513

Your brother's not well.



29

00:03:32,692 --> 00:03:34,284

Madam, are you okay?



30

00:04:41,127 --> 00:04:42,094

Ofelia?



31

00:04:44,497 --> 00:04:47,398

Ofelia, Come here.



32

00:04:50,604 --> 00:04:53,835

-l saw a fairy.

-Just look at your shoes!



33

00:04:55,075 --> 00:04:56,064

Let's go.



34

00:04:57,210 --> 00:05:00,111

When we get to the mill,

come out to greet the Captain.



35

00:05:00,347 --> 00:05:02,178

l want you to call him Father.



36

00:05:02,616 --> 00:05:05,050

You have no idea

how good he's been to us.



37

00:05:06,453 --> 00:05:09,752

lt's just a word, Ofelia...

just a word...



38

00:05:35,682 --> 00:05:37,411

They're coming, Captain.



39

00:05:38,418 --> 00:05:39,908

15 minutes late.



40

00:05:57,871 --> 00:05:59,031

Carmen.



41

00:06:06,513 --> 00:06:07,810

Welcome.



42

00:06:12,652 --> 00:06:15,052

That's not necessary.

l can walk perfectly well.



43

00:06:15,522 --> 00:06:17,990

Doctor Ferreiro prefers

that you don't exert yourself.



44

00:06:18,725 --> 00:06:19,555

No.



45

00:06:21,628 --> 00:06:24,597

Come.

Do it for me.



46

00:06:29,836 --> 00:06:30,860

Thank you.



47

00:06:32,772 --> 00:06:33,898

Ofelia, come out.



48

00:06:34,808 --> 00:06:36,002

Say hello to the Captain.



49

00:06:41,081 --> 00:06:42,105

Ofelia.



50

00:06:50,256 --> 00:06:52,451

lt's the other hand, Ofelia.



51

00:06:56,396 --> 00:06:57,420

Mercedes!



52

00:06:58,698 --> 00:07:01,531

-Bring the luggage.

-Sir.



53

00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:08,791

lt's a labyrinth.



54

00:08:12,338 --> 00:08:14,863

Just a pile of old rocks

that have always been here.



55

00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:17,166

Even before the mill.



56

00:08:18,278 --> 00:08:21,179

Better not to go in there.

You may get lost.



57

00:08:21,815 --> 00:08:23,009

Thank you.



58

00:08:23,550 --> 00:08:24,881

Have you read them all?



59

00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:26,317

Mercedes!



60

00:08:28,421 --> 00:08:29,410

The Captain is calling.



61

00:08:31,958 --> 00:08:33,084

Your father needs me.



62

00:08:36,029 --> 00:08:37,155

He's not my father.



63

00:08:37,997 --> 00:08:39,589

The Captain is not my father.



64

00:08:39,766 --> 00:08:43,099

My father was a tailor.

He died in the war.



65

00:08:43,236 --> 00:08:44,567

He's not my father.



66

00:08:45,939 --> 00:08:48,407

You've made that clear enough.

Shall we go?



67

00:08:49,242 --> 00:08:50,903

Have you seen my mother?



68

00:08:51,377 --> 00:08:52,969

-lsn't she beautiful!

-Yes.



69

00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:55,779

She's sick with baby.

Did you notice?



70

00:09:13,633 --> 00:09:15,430

The guerrillas are sticking

to the woods



71

00:09:15,735 --> 00:09:17,532

because it's hard

to track them up there.



72

00:09:18,738 --> 00:09:21,002

Those bastards know the terrain

better than any of us.



73

00:09:21,174 --> 00:09:22,835

We'll block all access

to the woods



74

00:09:24,210 --> 00:09:27,270

Food, medicine-

we'll store it all. Right here.



75

00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,347

We need to force them down,

make them come to us.



76

00:09:30,683 --> 00:09:32,412

We'll set up three

new command posts.



77

00:09:32,585 --> 00:09:36,180

Here, here and here.



78

00:09:36,356 --> 00:09:37,380

Mercedes.



79

00:09:38,658 --> 00:09:41,183

-Ask Dr. Ferreiro to come down.

-Yes, sir.



80

00:09:45,865 --> 00:09:47,992

This will help you sleep

through the night.



81

00:09:49,302 --> 00:09:51,793

Just two drops just before bed.



82

00:09:55,041 --> 00:09:56,133

Two drops only.



83

00:09:58,678 --> 00:09:59,508

Very good.



84

00:10:01,447 --> 00:10:03,677

All of it.

Good.



85

00:10:06,185 --> 00:10:09,643

Don't hesitate to call me

if you need anything. Day or night.



86

00:10:12,058 --> 00:10:14,288

You or your nurse.



87

00:10:15,094 --> 00:10:16,083

Good night.



88

00:10:17,297 --> 00:10:19,629

Close the door

and turn off the lights, sweetie.



89

00:10:32,078 --> 00:10:33,773

You have to help us.

Come up and see him.



90

00:10:34,013 --> 00:10:37,244

The wound is getting worse.

His leg isn't any better.



91

00:10:41,321 --> 00:10:43,186

This is all l could get.



92

00:10:43,423 --> 00:10:44,412

l'm sorry.



93

00:10:46,292 --> 00:10:48,317

Captain Vidal is waiting

for you in his office.



94

00:11:14,387 --> 00:11:15,820

Come here, Ofelia.



95

00:11:28,034 --> 00:11:31,265

Jesus, your feet.

They're frozen!



96

00:11:41,247 --> 00:11:42,271

Are you afraid?



97

00:11:44,484 --> 00:11:45,508

A little.



98

00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:51,716

What's that noise?



99

00:11:51,824 --> 00:11:54,918

Nothing, just the wind.



100

00:11:56,396 --> 00:11:59,593

Nights here are different

from city nights.



101

00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:03,559

There, you hear cars-tramway.



102

00:12:04,103 --> 00:12:05,968

Here the houses are old.



103

00:12:07,740 --> 00:12:08,729

They creak.



104

00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:12,675

As if they were speaking.



105

00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:19,150

Tomorrow, l'm going

to give you a surprise.



106

00:12:19,919 --> 00:12:21,511

-A surprise?

-Yes.



107

00:12:23,056 --> 00:12:27,493

-A book?

-No, something much better.



108

00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:35,434

Why did you have to get married?



109

00:12:39,672 --> 00:12:42,004

l was alone too long.



110

00:12:42,608 --> 00:12:45,736

l'm with you.

You weren't alone.



111

00:12:46,779 --> 00:12:48,269

You were never alone.



112

00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:54,481

When you're older, you'll understand.

lt hasn't been easy for me either.



113

00:12:58,124 --> 00:13:00,058

Your brother's at it again-



114

00:13:00,927 --> 00:13:03,054

Tell him one of your stories.



115

00:13:03,596 --> 00:13:05,291

l'm sure that'll calm down.



116

00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:11,759

My brother, my brother...



117

00:13:16,909 --> 00:13:19,377

Many, many years ago,



118

00:13:19,745 --> 00:13:22,111

in a sad, faraway land,



119

00:13:22,215 --> 00:13:25,946

there was an enormous mountain

made of rough, black stone.



120

00:13:26,619 --> 00:13:28,280

At sunset,



121

00:13:28,955 --> 00:13:31,219

on top of that mountain,



122

00:13:31,457 --> 00:13:35,894

a magic rose blossomed every night

that made whoever plucked it immortal.



123

00:13:36,229 --> 00:13:39,665

But no one dared go near it



124

00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:43,296

because its thorns were full of poison.



125

00:13:52,612 --> 00:13:57,106

Men talked amongst themselves

about their fear of death,



126

00:13:57,183 --> 00:14:01,813

and pain, but never about the promise

of eternal life.



127

00:14:05,858 --> 00:14:13,731

And every day, the rose wilted

unable to bequeath its gift to anyone.



128

00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:20,197

forgotten and lost at the top

of that cold, dark mountain,



129

00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,934

forever alone, until the end of time.



130

00:14:36,856 --> 00:14:37,788

Come in.



131

00:14:41,294 --> 00:14:43,091

-How is she?

-Very weak.



132

00:14:43,696 --> 00:14:45,061

She'll have as much rest

as as she needs.



133

00:14:45,264 --> 00:14:46,356

l'll sleep down here.



134

00:14:51,537 --> 00:14:53,027

-And my son?

-Pardon?



135

00:14:53,339 --> 00:14:55,170

Excuse us, Captain.



136

00:14:57,210 --> 00:14:59,269

My son, how is he?



137

00:15:00,046 --> 00:15:01,946

For the moment, there's no

reason to be alarmed.



138

00:15:04,150 --> 00:15:05,048

Very good.



139

00:15:06,986 --> 00:15:11,946

Captain, your wife should not have

traveled at such a late stage of pregnancy.



140

00:15:15,127 --> 00:15:18,893

-ls that your opinion?

-My professional opinion, yes, sir.



141

00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:24,502

A son should be born

wherever his father is.



142

00:15:25,004 --> 00:15:26,028

That's all.



143

00:15:28,541 --> 00:15:29,974

One more thing, Captain.



144

00:15:30,977 --> 00:15:33,002

What makes you so sure

the baby is a male?



145

00:15:35,314 --> 00:15:36,281

Don't fuck with me.



146

00:15:38,084 --> 00:15:40,746

At 8 o'clock we detected movement

in the northwestern sector.



147

00:15:41,487 --> 00:15:42,249

Gunfire.



148

00:15:45,458 --> 00:15:48,552

Sergeant Bayona searched the area

and captured a suspect.



149

00:15:49,428 --> 00:15:51,259

The other one's his son,

here from the town.



150

00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:53,730

Captain, my father

is an honest man.



151

00:15:53,866 --> 00:15:56,858

Let me judge that.

Take your hat off in front of me.



152

00:15:57,870 --> 00:16:00,532

We found this weapon on him.

lt's been fired.



153

00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:02,435

My father was hunting

rabbits, Captain.



154

00:16:02,508 --> 00:16:04,066

Again, keep quiet.



155

00:16:14,754 --> 00:16:16,415

''No God, no country, no Master''?



156

00:16:16,889 --> 00:16:21,019

-Just like that-how do you like that?

-Red prpaganda, Captain.



157

00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,957

lt's not propaganda, sir.



158

00:16:23,663 --> 00:16:25,961

lt's an old almanac, Captain.



159

00:16:26,999 --> 00:16:28,660

We're just farmers.



160

00:16:30,269 --> 00:16:31,099

Go on.



161

00:16:32,338 --> 00:16:36,104

l went up into the woods, Captain.

To hunt for rabbits.



162

00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:38,869

For my daughters. They're sick.



163

00:16:40,479 --> 00:16:41,946

Rabbits, uh?



164

00:16:42,348 --> 00:16:46,148

Captain, if my father says so,

he was hunting rabbits.



165

00:16:57,530 --> 00:16:59,225

Leave him alone.



166

00:17:02,168 --> 00:17:05,433

You killed him,

You killed him!



167

00:17:05,938 --> 00:17:08,930

Murderer!

Son of a bitch!



168

00:17:38,704 --> 00:17:40,865

Maybe you'll learn to search

these assholes properly



169

00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:42,698

before you come bothering me.



170

00:17:42,975 --> 00:17:44,135

Yes, Captain.



171

00:18:04,397 --> 00:18:07,833

Mother.

Mother, wake up!



172

00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:11,599

Mother, there's something in the room.



173

00:18:53,012 --> 00:18:53,944

Hello.



174

00:18:54,814 --> 00:18:56,338

Did you follow me here?



175

00:18:57,116 --> 00:18:58,276

Are you a fairy?



176

00:19:00,753 --> 00:19:01,617

Look!



177

00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:08,449

This is a fairy.



178

00:19:36,255 --> 00:19:37,916

You want me to go with you?



179

00:19:39,525 --> 00:19:41,959

Outside? Where?



180

00:20:59,972 --> 00:21:01,633

Hello?



181

00:21:03,008 --> 00:21:04,532

Hello?



182

00:21:22,595 --> 00:21:24,688

Echo.



183

00:21:31,704 --> 00:21:33,729

Echo.



184

00:21:36,609 --> 00:21:38,702

Hello?



185

00:21:41,547 --> 00:21:43,071

Hello?



186

00:21:45,684 --> 00:21:46,981

lt's you.



187

00:21:52,124 --> 00:21:55,457

lt's you.

You've returned.



188

00:21:55,561 --> 00:21:57,586

Don't be frightened,

l beg you.



189

00:21:58,931 --> 00:22:00,865

Look, look.



190

00:22:09,141 --> 00:22:11,769

My name is Ofelia.

Who are you?



191

00:22:11,910 --> 00:22:13,070

Me?



192

00:22:15,648 --> 00:22:18,116

l've had so many names...



193

00:22:18,317 --> 00:22:26,315

Old names that only the wind

and the trees can pronounce.



194

00:22:26,492 --> 00:22:33,330

l am the mountain,

the forest and the earth.



195

00:22:34,133 --> 00:22:35,430

l am...



196

00:22:38,904 --> 00:22:41,702

l am a faun.



197

00:22:42,474 --> 00:22:46,501

Your most humble servant,

Your Highness.



198

00:22:46,645 --> 00:22:50,274

-No, l'm...

-You're Princess Moanna,



199

00:22:50,382 --> 00:22:56,048

daughter of the king

of the underworld.



200

00:22:56,121 --> 00:22:57,850

My father was a tailor.



201

00:22:57,956 --> 00:23:00,083

You are not born of man.



202

00:23:01,126 --> 00:23:03,560

lt was the moon that bore you.



203

00:23:03,729 --> 00:23:06,027

Look on your left shoulder



204

00:23:06,198 --> 00:23:09,167

and you will find a mark

that proves it.



205

00:23:09,601 --> 00:23:19,567

your real father had us open portals

all over the world to allow your return.



206

00:23:20,045 --> 00:23:21,706

This is...



207

00:23:22,347 --> 00:23:24,941

This is the last of them.



208

00:23:25,584 --> 00:23:34,185

But we have to make sure

that your essence is intact,



209

00:23:34,693 --> 00:23:38,823

that you have not become a mortal.



210

00:23:42,401 --> 00:23:48,033

You must complete three tasks

before the moon is full.



211

00:23:50,976 --> 00:23:57,006

This is The Book of Crossroads.



212

00:23:57,716 --> 00:24:00,844

Open it, when you are alone



213

00:24:00,986 --> 00:24:03,887

and it will show you your future,



214

00:24:03,989 --> 00:24:08,323

show you what must be done.



215

00:24:16,702 --> 00:24:18,260

But there's nothing in here.



216

00:25:15,227 --> 00:25:18,788

Mercedes, prepare these rabbits

for dinner tonight.



217

00:25:19,798 --> 00:25:21,823

They are too young.



218

00:25:22,334 --> 00:25:25,394

-Well, maybe they'll do for a stew.

-Yes, sir.



219

00:25:27,873 --> 00:25:30,865

This coffee was burnt.

Taste it yourself.



220

00:25:39,318 --> 00:25:42,151

You should keep an eye on it.



221

00:25:43,956 --> 00:25:45,389

As you wish, sir.



222

00:25:51,930 --> 00:25:52,919

Cook these.



223

00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:57,168

-He didn't like the coffee.

-He's nothing but a fussy dandy.



224

00:25:57,302 --> 00:25:58,203

A fussy dandy!



225

00:25:58,203 --> 00:26:00,505

We're going to need some beef

and one more chicken.



226

00:26:00,505 --> 00:26:04,339

-Where are we supposed to find that?

-The doctor's wife, the mayor's too.



227

00:26:04,409 --> 00:26:07,401

Well, they eat more

than a couple of pigs.



228

00:26:08,513 --> 00:26:12,074

-And they don't shut up.

-Not even underwater.



229

00:26:27,032 --> 00:26:29,057

l'll be back in a moment,

Mercedes.



230

00:26:34,172 --> 00:26:35,434

Ofelia.



231

00:26:38,010 --> 00:26:40,740

Your father is giving

a dinner party tonight.



232

00:26:41,146 --> 00:26:43,979

Look what l've made for you.



233

00:26:45,417 --> 00:26:46,611

Do you like it?



234

00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:51,412

What l wouldn't have given

to have such a dress...



235

00:26:51,556 --> 00:26:53,990

as fine as this when l was your age!



236

00:26:54,159 --> 00:26:55,285

And look at the shoes!



237

00:26:56,662 --> 00:26:59,358

-Do you like them?

-Yes, very pretty.



238

00:27:00,999 --> 00:27:02,660

Go on, now.

Take your bath.



239

00:28:07,032 --> 00:28:08,021

Ofelia?



240

00:28:09,801 --> 00:28:10,665

Ofelia?



241

00:28:12,104 --> 00:28:15,562

Hurry up.

l want to see the dress on you.



242

00:28:15,841 --> 00:28:18,401

l want you to be beautiful

for the Captain.



243

00:28:21,246 --> 00:28:23,009

You'll look like a princess.



244

00:28:27,419 --> 00:28:28,818

A princess?



245

00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:36,889

Make sure those chickens

are cleaned properly.



246

00:28:36,995 --> 00:28:39,463

And don't forget the beans.



247

00:28:42,701 --> 00:28:47,070

-You look marvelous, my girl, just beautiful.

-What a gorgeous dress!



248

00:28:49,508 --> 00:28:51,999

Get back to work,

stop wasting time.



249

00:28:54,813 --> 00:28:56,280

Do you want some milk with honey?



250

00:29:01,820 --> 00:29:05,779

Move back, we can't have you getting

milk on your dress, with you looking so pretty.



251

00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:12,096

Mercedes.

Do you believe in fairies?



252

00:29:13,231 --> 00:29:14,129

No.



253

00:29:14,933 --> 00:29:16,298

But when l was a little girl,

l did.



254

00:29:16,368 --> 00:29:18,962

l believed in a lot of things

l don't believe any more.



255

00:29:21,373 --> 00:29:23,102

Last night,

a fairy visited me.



256

00:29:24,109 --> 00:29:25,167

Really?



257

00:29:26,411 --> 00:29:29,548

And it wasn't alone,

there were lots of them,



258

00:29:29,548 --> 00:29:31,243

-And a faun, too.

-A faun?



259

00:29:31,516 --> 00:29:35,475

He was very old, very tall

and smelled like earth.



260

00:29:36,521 --> 00:29:39,547

My mother warned me

to be wary of fauns.



261

00:29:39,791 --> 00:29:40,849

Mercedes!



262

00:29:42,794 --> 00:29:43,761

Come with me.



263

00:29:54,439 --> 00:29:56,236

Captain,

everything is here.



264

00:29:56,475 --> 00:29:59,171

Flour, salt, oil, medicine,



265

00:29:59,344 --> 00:30:02,472

olives, bacon.



266

00:30:03,582 --> 00:30:05,447

This-this is real tobacco.



267

00:30:06,418 --> 00:30:07,817

And the ration cards.



268

00:30:08,186 --> 00:30:10,518

-l need you to check the inventory.

-Very well.



269

00:30:13,992 --> 00:30:15,016

Mercedes.



270

00:30:16,228 --> 00:30:17,923

-The key.

-Yes, sir.



271

00:30:25,270 --> 00:30:27,204

-ls this the only copy?

-The only one.



272

00:30:27,305 --> 00:30:29,102

From now on, l'll carry it.



273

00:30:30,041 --> 00:30:30,973

Captain.



274

00:30:36,748 --> 00:30:38,340

Captain,

perhaps it's nothing.



275

00:30:46,758 --> 00:30:47,747

lt's them.



276

00:30:59,437 --> 00:31:03,498

''Once upon a time,

when the forest was young,



277

00:31:04,075 --> 00:31:09,707

they were home to creatures

who were full of magic and wonder.''



278

00:31:16,521 --> 00:31:18,853

''They protected one another,



279

00:31:19,157 --> 00:31:22,320

and slept in the shade

of a colossal fig tree



280

00:31:22,761 --> 00:31:25,195

that grew on a hill, near the mill.''



281

00:31:27,732 --> 00:31:29,495

''But now, the tree is dying.



282

00:31:29,834 --> 00:31:33,497

lts branches are dry,

its trunk old and twisted.



283

00:31:34,306 --> 00:31:37,537

A monstrous toad

has settled in its roots



284

00:31:37,809 --> 00:31:39,276

and won't let the tree thrive.



285

00:31:40,579 --> 00:31:43,776

You must put the three magic

stones in the toad's mouth



286

00:31:44,449 --> 00:31:47,907

and retrieve the golden key

from inside his belly.



287

00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:51,683

Only then will the fig tree

flourish again.''



288

00:33:18,209 --> 00:33:20,006

They were here

less than twenty minutes ago.



289

00:33:20,812 --> 00:33:22,643

They left in a hurry.



290

00:33:29,788 --> 00:33:31,688

A dozen men, at most.



291

00:33:50,608 --> 00:33:51,973

Antibiotics.



292

00:33:52,944 --> 00:33:56,107

Shit, they forgot this lottery ticket.



293

00:33:58,450 --> 00:33:59,644

They're here.



294

00:34:02,620 --> 00:34:04,986

Those sons of bitches are here.



295

00:34:05,857 --> 00:34:07,984

and they're watching us.



296

00:34:17,936 --> 00:34:19,631

Hey!



297

00:34:20,972 --> 00:34:23,463

You left this behind!



298

00:34:24,209 --> 00:34:26,200

And your lottery ticket!



299

00:34:26,745 --> 00:34:28,838

Why don't you come back

and get it?



300

00:34:29,581 --> 00:34:32,049

Who knows?

This could be your lucky day!



301

00:35:43,188 --> 00:35:46,749

Hello.

l'm Princess Moanna,



302

00:35:47,125 --> 00:35:48,592

and l'm not afraid of you.



303

00:35:52,063 --> 00:35:55,294

Aren't you ashamed

living down here,



304

00:35:55,500 --> 00:35:57,525

eating all these bugs...



305

00:35:58,303 --> 00:36:01,238

and growing fat

while the tree dies?



306

00:38:44,135 --> 00:38:46,160

Have you looked in her room?

And the pantry?



307

00:38:46,304 --> 00:38:47,566

Yes, ma'am.



308

00:38:51,175 --> 00:38:52,767

Have you checked the garden?



309

00:38:53,111 --> 00:38:54,908

-And the barn?

-Yes, ma'am.



310

00:38:55,747 --> 00:38:57,339

Where is that girl?



311

00:38:57,415 --> 00:38:58,712

This way, please.



312

00:38:59,751 --> 00:39:02,743

Let me to introduce you

to my wife, Carmen.



313

00:39:04,622 --> 00:39:06,487

-Charmed.

-A pleasure to meet you.



314

00:39:07,091 --> 00:39:10,390

From now on,

one ration card per family.



315

00:39:11,162 --> 00:39:12,129

Take a look.



316

00:39:12,263 --> 00:39:14,458

-One?

-Only one.



317

00:39:15,233 --> 00:39:17,030

Captain, l'm not sure

it'll be enough.



318

00:39:17,101 --> 00:39:18,432

lf people are careful,

it should be plenty.



319

00:39:18,503 --> 00:39:21,700

We can't allow anyone to send food

to the guerillas in the mountains.



320

00:39:21,839 --> 00:39:25,707

They're losing ground,

and one of them is wounded.



321

00:39:26,577 --> 00:39:29,313

Excuse me, Captain,

how can you be so sure?



322

00:39:29,313 --> 00:39:32,043

We almost got them.

We found this.



323

00:39:32,850 --> 00:39:34,078

Antibiotics.



324

00:39:35,319 --> 00:39:37,685

God has already

saved their souls.



325

00:39:37,955 --> 00:39:40,583

What happens to their bodies

hardly matter to Him.



326

00:39:40,758 --> 00:39:43,249

We'll help however we can, Captain.



327

00:39:43,361 --> 00:39:45,522

We know you're not here by choice.



328

00:39:49,901 --> 00:39:50,959

You're wrong about that.



329

00:39:52,170 --> 00:39:56,038

l choose to be here because l want

my son to be born in a new, clean Spain.



330

00:39:57,008 --> 00:40:00,102

Because these people

hold the mistaken belief



331

00:40:00,378 --> 00:40:01,936

that we're all equal.



332

00:40:02,547 --> 00:40:04,014

But there's a big difference:



333

00:40:04,615 --> 00:40:07,140

the war is over and we won.



334

00:40:07,752 --> 00:40:10,687

And if we need to kill every one

of these vermin to settle it,



335

00:40:11,689 --> 00:40:13,850

then we'll kill them all,

and that's that.



336

00:40:15,093 --> 00:40:16,617

We're all here by choice.



337

00:40:17,628 --> 00:40:19,823

By choice!



338

00:40:22,734 --> 00:40:25,532

Put the coffee on.

l'm going for more wood.



339

00:40:25,670 --> 00:40:27,661

We'll take care of it.



340

00:40:54,665 --> 00:40:55,791

Ofelia?



341

00:41:07,812 --> 00:41:10,679

So, how did you

and the Captain meet?



342

00:41:13,117 --> 00:41:15,915

Ofelia's father used to make

the Captain's uniforms.



343

00:41:16,053 --> 00:41:17,020

Oh, l see...



344

00:41:17,555 --> 00:41:21,753

And after he died,

l went to work at the shop.



345

00:41:21,893 --> 00:41:24,088

A little more than a year ago,



346

00:41:24,996 --> 00:41:28,796

the Captain and l met again.



347

00:41:28,966 --> 00:41:30,456

Curious, isn't it!



348

00:41:30,735 --> 00:41:33,704

l mean, finding each other again?



349

00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:37,901

Oh, yes,

very, very curious.



350

00:41:38,176 --> 00:41:41,873

Please, forgive my wife.

She hasn't been exposed to the world.



351

00:41:42,380 --> 00:41:44,610

She thinks these silly stories

are interesting to others.



352

00:41:45,783 --> 00:41:47,307

We understand.



353

00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:51,881

Excuse me, madam

Ofelia is here.



354

00:41:52,623 --> 00:41:54,022

Excuse me.



355

00:42:04,969 --> 00:42:07,164

Have l told you that l was acquainted

with your father, Captain?



356

00:42:08,339 --> 00:42:09,806

No.

l had no idea.



357

00:42:12,543 --> 00:42:14,033

ln Morocco.



358

00:42:14,445 --> 00:42:17,414

l knew him only briefly,

but he left a great impression.



359

00:42:17,481 --> 00:42:18,675

An excellent soldier.



360

00:42:19,150 --> 00:42:23,450

The men in his battalion said that

when General Vidal died on the battlefield,



361

00:42:24,255 --> 00:42:25,916

he smashed his watch on a rock



362

00:42:26,123 --> 00:42:28,614

so that his son would know

the exact hour and minute of his death.



363

00:42:29,727 --> 00:42:32,059

So he would know

how a brave man dies.



364

00:42:35,132 --> 00:42:37,657

Nonsense.

He didn't own a watch.



365

00:42:39,270 --> 00:42:42,467

What you've done hurts me.



366

00:42:44,008 --> 00:42:46,602

After your bath,

you'll go to bed without supper.



367

00:42:48,613 --> 00:42:49,705

Are you listening?



368

00:42:53,184 --> 00:42:55,948

Sometimes l think

you'll never learn to behave.



369

00:42:56,821 --> 00:42:58,812

You've disappointed me, Ofelia.



370

00:43:00,892 --> 00:43:02,291

And your father, too.



371

00:43:03,761 --> 00:43:05,023

You mean the Captain?



372

00:43:06,163 --> 00:43:07,460

Him more than me.



373

00:43:22,914 --> 00:43:24,347

l've got the key.



374

00:43:28,085 --> 00:43:29,712

Take me to the Labyrinth.



375

00:44:22,974 --> 00:44:23,963

Hello.



376

00:44:25,776 --> 00:44:27,573

l got the key out.



377

00:44:28,646 --> 00:44:33,515

That's me,

and the girl is you.



378

00:44:33,851 --> 00:44:35,045

And the baby?



379

00:44:36,420 --> 00:44:38,650

So... you retrieved the key.



380

00:44:41,425 --> 00:44:42,687

l'm glad.



381

00:44:51,335 --> 00:44:55,635

She believed in you

from the very beginning.



382

00:44:56,007 --> 00:44:58,703

She's so glad you succeeded.



383

00:45:04,749 --> 00:45:06,148

Keep the key.



384

00:45:06,584 --> 00:45:09,747

You'll be needing it very soon.



385

00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:14,823

And this too?

a piece of chalk.



386

00:45:16,260 --> 00:45:19,530

Two tasks remain



387

00:45:19,530 --> 00:45:24,365

and the moon is almost full.



388

00:45:24,468 --> 00:45:26,265

Be patient.



389

00:45:26,537 --> 00:45:35,241

We'll soon stroll through

the seven circular gardens of your palace.



390

00:45:35,346 --> 00:45:37,871

How do l know

that what you say is true?



391

00:45:38,182 --> 00:45:44,121

Why would a poor little faun

like me lie to you?



392

00:46:06,243 --> 00:46:07,437

Proceed.



393

00:46:08,479 --> 00:46:10,913

Have your cards

ready for inspection.



394

00:46:11,148 --> 00:46:13,708

Let's go.

Your name?



395

00:46:17,455 --> 00:46:18,945

Your names, first and last.



396

00:46:19,423 --> 00:46:23,587

Narciso Pena Soriano,

at your service.



397

00:46:27,098 --> 00:46:29,328

This is our daily bread

in Franco's Spain,



398

00:46:29,567 --> 00:46:33,663

kept safe in this mill!

The Reds lie...



399

00:46:34,038 --> 00:46:35,699

because in a united Spain,



400

00:46:35,873 --> 00:46:39,570

there's not a single home

without fire or bread.



401

00:46:53,791 --> 00:46:57,352

Come on, show me

what happens now?



402

00:46:57,862 --> 00:46:58,886

Show me.



403

00:47:36,934 --> 00:47:38,526

Ofelia, help me...



404

00:47:44,375 --> 00:47:46,240

Captain! Captain!



405

00:47:48,812 --> 00:47:50,370

Come quickly.



406

00:47:50,915 --> 00:47:52,212

... because in a united Spain,



407

00:47:52,316 --> 00:47:56,184

there's not a single home

without fire or bread.



408

00:47:56,654 --> 00:47:58,986

This is our daily bread

in Franco's Spain...



409

00:48:01,892 --> 00:48:04,861

Your wife needs

uninterrupted rest.



410

00:48:06,730 --> 00:48:09,631

She'll have to be sedated

most of the time.



411

00:48:11,869 --> 00:48:14,201

The girl should sleep

somewhere else.



412

00:48:15,973 --> 00:48:18,032

l'll stay here until the birth.



413

00:48:18,509 --> 00:48:19,476

Make her well.



414

00:48:20,811 --> 00:48:22,836

l don't care what it costs

or what you need.



415

00:48:27,551 --> 00:48:28,245

Make her well.



416

00:48:49,573 --> 00:48:51,040

Don't worry.



417

00:48:52,209 --> 00:48:54,700

Your mother will get better soon,

you'll see.



418

00:48:58,082 --> 00:48:59,709

Having a baby is complicated.



419

00:49:00,517 --> 00:49:03,680

Then l'll never have one.



420

00:49:16,233 --> 00:49:19,066

You're helping the men

in the woods, aren't you?



421

00:49:30,714 --> 00:49:32,045

Have you told anyone?



422

00:49:33,617 --> 00:49:34,743

No, l haven't.



423

00:49:36,954 --> 00:49:39,047

l don't want anything bad

to happen to you.



424

00:49:49,967 --> 00:49:51,229

Nor l to you.



425

00:49:52,770 --> 00:49:54,897

Do you know a lullaby?



426

00:49:56,874 --> 00:49:58,102

Only one...



427

00:49:59,243 --> 00:50:01,268

but l don't remember the words.



428

00:50:01,578 --> 00:50:05,173

l don't care.

l still want to hear it.



429

00:50:58,535 --> 00:51:01,299

Don't be afraid.

lt's only me.



430

00:51:10,247 --> 00:51:12,215

-Are you ready?

-Yes.



431

00:51:13,384 --> 00:51:14,510

Then let's go.



432

00:51:19,523 --> 00:51:20,990

This is sheer madness.



433

00:51:21,358 --> 00:51:23,792

When that man finds out about us,

he'll kill us all.



434

00:51:24,294 --> 00:51:27,422

-Have you thought about that?

-Are you so afraid of him, Doctor?



435

00:51:27,831 --> 00:51:29,799

lt's not fear...



436

00:51:30,401 --> 00:51:31,766

at least not for myself.



437

00:51:43,547 --> 00:51:44,946

Pedro!



438

00:51:45,249 --> 00:51:47,683

Pedro, My brother!



439

00:52:04,334 --> 00:52:06,495

You didn't carry out the task.



440

00:52:06,637 --> 00:52:09,936

No, my mother is sick.



441

00:52:11,475 --> 00:52:14,069

That's no excuse

for negligence.



442

00:52:14,344 --> 00:52:19,213

Look...

this is a mandrake root.



443

00:52:19,316 --> 00:52:23,184

A plant that dreamt

of being human.



444

00:52:24,121 --> 00:52:28,785

Put it under your mother's bed



445

00:52:29,159 --> 00:52:32,390

in a bowl of fresh milk.



446

00:52:32,996 --> 00:52:37,956

Each morning,

give it two drops of blood.



447

00:52:38,402 --> 00:52:42,463

Now, we have no time

to waste.



448

00:52:42,773 --> 00:52:45,537

The full moon will be upon us.



449

00:52:47,911 --> 00:52:50,379

Take my pets

to guide you through.



450

00:52:50,981 --> 00:52:56,578

You're going to a very dangerous

place, so be careful.



451

00:52:56,787 --> 00:52:59,551

The thing that slumbers there,



452

00:53:00,457 --> 00:53:02,982

it is not human.



453

00:53:06,830 --> 00:53:11,096

You will see

a sumptuous feast,



454

00:53:11,201 --> 00:53:13,999

but don't eat

or drink anything.



455

00:53:14,204 --> 00:53:18,937

Absolutely nothing.



456

00:53:20,611 --> 00:53:24,138

Your life depends on it.



457

00:53:44,801 --> 00:53:49,761

l've brought some Orujo,

tobacco, cheese.



458

00:53:50,474 --> 00:53:52,840

Mail for Trigo and Piloto.



459

00:53:54,912 --> 00:53:56,880

Let's see how that leg's doing,

Frenchie.



460

00:53:57,447 --> 00:54:00,883

How do you think it's doing?

lt's fucked up.



461

00:54:01,351 --> 00:54:02,943

Let's see.



462

00:54:06,023 --> 00:54:09,288

... N-North American,



463

00:54:10,661 --> 00:54:13,323

British and Canadian troops



464

00:54:13,430 --> 00:54:16,957

disembarked on a small beach

in the North of F-F.



465

00:54:17,801 --> 00:54:20,497

-''France'', idiot.

-F-f-f-rance.



466

00:54:20,904 --> 00:54:23,395

More than 150,000 soldiers

give us hope...



467

00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:28,441

under the command

of General Dwight D. Eisenhower...



468

00:54:28,645 --> 00:54:31,614

ls it really bad, doctor?



469

00:54:32,649 --> 00:54:34,276

Look, Frenchie.



470

00:54:35,552 --> 00:54:37,110

There's no way to save it.



471

00:54:48,999 --> 00:54:52,298

l'll try to make it

in as few cuts as possible.



472

00:55:00,077 --> 00:55:03,478

Wait a second, doctor,

just a second.



473

00:55:38,582 --> 00:55:44,748

''Use the chalk to trace a door

anywhere in your room.''



474

00:55:49,926 --> 00:55:53,885

''Once the door's open,

start the hourglass.''



475

00:55:56,199 --> 00:55:58,326

''Let the fairies guide you.''



476

00:56:03,707 --> 00:56:07,040

''Don't eat or drink anything,

during your stay,



477

00:56:07,277 --> 00:56:11,839

and come back

before the last grain of sand falls.''



478

00:58:20,811 --> 00:58:21,835

No...



479

00:58:24,681 --> 00:58:25,875

This other one.



480

01:01:01,771 --> 01:01:03,398

No! No!



481

01:02:19,215 --> 01:02:21,115

We'll soon have reinforcements

from Jaca.



482

01:02:21,551 --> 01:02:25,453

Fifty men or more.

Then we'll go head to head with Vidal.



483

01:02:26,489 --> 01:02:28,980

And then what?



484

01:02:29,692 --> 01:02:33,389

You kill him, they'll send another

just like him. And another...



485

01:02:33,963 --> 01:02:37,194

You're screwed, no guns,

no safe shelter...



486

01:02:37,300 --> 01:02:41,532

You need food, medicine.

You must take care of Mercedes.



487

01:02:41,771 --> 01:02:43,500

lf you really love her,

you'd cross the border with her.



488

01:02:43,573 --> 01:02:46,007

-This is a lost cause.

-l'm staying here, doctor.



489

01:02:46,342 --> 01:02:47,309

There's no choice.



490

01:02:59,722 --> 01:03:00,882

You have to leave.



491

01:03:02,659 --> 01:03:05,594

Here's the key,

but you can't go down there now.



492

01:03:05,862 --> 01:03:08,092

lt's exactly what he expects.



493

01:03:11,267 --> 01:03:12,234

Leave it to me.



494

01:03:16,306 --> 01:03:17,432

l'm a coward.



495

01:03:18,541 --> 01:03:21,066

No, you're not.



496

01:03:22,245 --> 01:03:23,473

Yes, l am.



497

01:03:24,114 --> 01:03:28,551

A coward... for living

next to that son of a bitch,



498

01:03:29,853 --> 01:03:32,651

doing his laundry, making his bed,

feeding him.



499

01:03:36,359 --> 01:03:38,850

What if the doctor's right

and we can't win?



500

01:03:43,166 --> 01:03:45,396

At least we'll make things

harder for that bastard.



501

01:05:40,283 --> 01:05:41,250

Captain Vidal...



502

01:05:43,353 --> 01:05:45,878

Her temperature's down.

l don't know how, but it is.



503

01:05:46,689 --> 01:05:47,621

But she still has a fever?



504

01:05:48,258 --> 01:05:51,159

Yes, but it's a good sign.

Her body is responding.



505

01:05:52,962 --> 01:05:53,929

Listen to me.



506

01:05:54,597 --> 01:05:57,623

lf you have to choose,

save the baby.



507

01:05:57,800 --> 01:06:00,325

That boy will bear my name

and my father's name.



508

01:06:00,470 --> 01:06:01,459

Save him.



509

01:06:37,473 --> 01:06:38,440

Brother...



510

01:06:40,443 --> 01:06:41,375

Little brother...



511

01:06:43,613 --> 01:06:45,137

lf you can hear me,



512

01:06:46,249 --> 01:06:48,410

things out here aren't too good.



513

01:06:50,286 --> 01:06:52,277

But soon you'll have to come out.



514

01:06:53,556 --> 01:06:55,183

You've made Mama very sick.



515

01:06:57,393 --> 01:07:01,022

l want to ask you one favor

for when you come out,



516

01:07:02,165 --> 01:07:03,291

just one:



517

01:07:04,634 --> 01:07:06,295

don't hurt her.



518

01:07:07,503 --> 01:07:10,734

You'll meet her,

she's very pretty,



519

01:07:11,574 --> 01:07:13,838

even though sometimes she's sad

for days at a time.



520

01:07:14,944 --> 01:07:16,809

You'll see, when she smiles,



521

01:07:18,414 --> 01:07:19,904

you'll love her.



522

01:07:22,285 --> 01:07:25,584

Listen, if you do what l say,



523

01:07:25,888 --> 01:07:27,446

l'll make you a promise,



524

01:07:28,391 --> 01:07:32,020

l'll take you to my kingdom,

and l'll make you a prince.



525

01:07:33,029 --> 01:07:36,192

l promise you, a prince.



526

01:08:02,859 --> 01:08:05,384

l sounded the whistle,

but they wouldn't move.



527

01:08:05,595 --> 01:08:07,995

l tried to stop, but it was too late.



528

01:08:08,064 --> 01:08:10,498

The fireman and l

jumped outjust in time,



529

01:08:10,733 --> 01:08:12,132

but look at the mess they made.



530

01:08:15,304 --> 01:08:17,033

What did they steal

from the freight cars?



531

01:08:17,540 --> 01:08:19,337

They didn't open a single one.



532

01:08:19,609 --> 01:08:21,042

What the hell are you talking about?



533

01:08:21,177 --> 01:08:23,475

This whole mess...

They didn't open any of the cars.



534

01:08:23,679 --> 01:08:27,979

-They didn't take anything.

-Nothing? Are you sure?



535

01:08:28,351 --> 01:08:32,219

God only knows what they wanted,

other than to waste our time.



536

01:08:49,071 --> 01:08:50,834

They came out of nowhere, Captain.



537

01:08:54,177 --> 01:08:57,340

They have grenades,

they went up hill.



538

01:09:02,051 --> 01:09:04,849

Captain, we've surrounded

a small unit that fell behind.



539

01:09:05,087 --> 01:09:06,679

They took cover up on the hill.



540

01:09:41,757 --> 01:09:46,251

Go ahead, Serrano, don't be afraid,

this is the only decent way to die.



541

01:10:29,972 --> 01:10:31,166

Serrano!



542

01:10:48,391 --> 01:10:51,417

Let me see.



543

01:10:56,165 --> 01:10:57,257

Can you talk?



544

01:11:01,671 --> 01:11:02,638

Damn it!



545

01:11:21,223 --> 01:11:23,817

These are useless! They can't talk.



546

01:11:33,135 --> 01:11:35,797

Captain,

this one's still alive.



547

01:11:39,875 --> 01:11:41,240

Shot in the leg.



548

01:11:47,183 --> 01:11:48,548

-What's happened?

-They caught one.



549

01:11:48,651 --> 01:11:51,017

They took one of them alive.

And they're taking him to the storeroom.



550

01:11:56,225 --> 01:11:57,351

Mercedes!



551

01:11:58,194 --> 01:12:00,424

Pedro... Pedro...



552

01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:18,847

Mercedes?



553

01:12:19,782 --> 01:12:22,774

-l need to get into the storeroom.

-Not now.



554

01:12:23,285 --> 01:12:24,616

Move away!



555

01:12:51,714 --> 01:12:53,944

That's plenty, dear.



556

01:12:57,520 --> 01:12:59,010

Should l take this up?



557

01:13:18,874 --> 01:13:21,342

Here, half the dose.



558

01:13:21,844 --> 01:13:23,641

l don't think l need it.



559

01:13:23,946 --> 01:13:26,938

l feel better, much better.



560

01:13:27,216 --> 01:13:29,616

l don't understand.

But l'm glad.



561

01:13:32,955 --> 01:13:33,546

Mother...



562

01:13:48,304 --> 01:13:51,068

Damn, this cigarette is good!



563

01:13:51,841 --> 01:13:55,242

Real tobacco hard to find.



564

01:13:56,879 --> 01:13:59,279

G-G-Go to hell.



565

01:14:01,951 --> 01:14:05,944

Damn, Garces. We catch one

and he turns out to be a stutterer.



566

01:14:06,222 --> 01:14:08,349

We'll be here all night.



567

01:14:08,557 --> 01:14:10,525

As long as he talks.



568

01:14:16,398 --> 01:14:18,229

Garces is right.



569

01:14:19,068 --> 01:14:21,366

You'd do better

to tell us everything.



570

01:14:22,071 --> 01:14:25,438

But to make sure it happens,

l brought along a few tools.



571

01:14:27,777 --> 01:14:29,972

Just things you pick up

along the way.



572

01:14:30,179 --> 01:14:32,613

At first, l won't be able to trust you,



573

01:14:33,182 --> 01:14:36,640

but after l use this,

you'll own up to a few things.



574

01:14:38,687 --> 01:14:40,154

When we get to these,



575

01:14:41,190 --> 01:14:44,853

we'll have developed...

how can l put this-?



576

01:14:45,261 --> 01:14:47,855

A closer bond,

much like brothers.



577

01:14:49,298 --> 01:14:50,822

You'll see.



578

01:14:52,835 --> 01:14:54,496

And when we get to this one,



579

01:14:55,871 --> 01:14:58,305

l'll believe anything you tell me.



580

01:15:10,619 --> 01:15:11,916

l'll make you a deal.



581

01:15:11,987 --> 01:15:15,514

lf you can count to three

without st-t-tuttering,



582

01:15:15,858 --> 01:15:17,052

you can go.



583

01:15:19,228 --> 01:15:22,163

Don't look at him, look at me.



584

01:15:22,431 --> 01:15:24,194

Above me, there's no one.



585

01:15:24,733 --> 01:15:26,633

-Garces!

-Yes, Captain?



586

01:15:26,902 --> 01:15:30,429

lf l say this asshole can leave,

would anybody contradict me?



587

01:15:30,506 --> 01:15:32,133

No one, Captain.

He can leave.



588

01:15:32,875 --> 01:15:37,005

There you have it.

Count to three.



589

01:15:53,395 --> 01:15:56,023

-One.

-Good.



590

01:16:00,269 --> 01:16:01,236

Two.



591

01:16:03,005 --> 01:16:05,906

One more and you will be free.



592

01:16:22,825 --> 01:16:23,792

Shame.



593

01:16:35,704 --> 01:16:39,731

Your mother is much better,

Your Highness.



594

01:16:41,176 --> 01:16:47,240

Surely, you must be relieved.



595

01:16:47,750 --> 01:16:49,843

Yes, thank you.



596

01:16:50,252 --> 01:16:53,710

But things haven't turned out so well.



597

01:16:54,623 --> 01:16:55,715

No?



598

01:16:57,526 --> 01:17:01,155

-l had an accident.

-An accident?



599

01:17:01,330 --> 01:17:02,297

Yes.



600

01:17:11,573 --> 01:17:14,474

-You broke the rules!

-lt was only two grapes!



601

01:17:14,576 --> 01:17:16,168

l thought no one would notice.



602

01:17:17,579 --> 01:17:20,673

-We've made a mistake!

-A mistake?



603

01:17:21,417 --> 01:17:25,148

You failed.

You can never return.



604

01:17:25,254 --> 01:17:28,917

-lt was an accident!

-You cannot return.



605

01:17:29,024 --> 01:17:32,983

The moon will be full in three days.



606

01:17:33,562 --> 01:17:39,262

Your spirit shall forever remain

among the humans.



607

01:17:39,368 --> 01:17:43,236

You shall age like them,

you shall die like them



608

01:17:43,305 --> 01:17:47,401

and all memory of you

shall fade in time.



609

01:17:47,977 --> 01:17:51,970

And we'll vanish along with it.



610

01:17:52,614 --> 01:17:56,414

You will never see us again.



611

01:18:07,129 --> 01:18:10,860

Good day, doctor.

Sorry to wake you so early,



612

01:18:11,600 --> 01:18:13,329

but l think we need your help.



613

01:18:36,658 --> 01:18:38,216

My God, what have you done to him?



614

01:18:38,394 --> 01:18:39,520

Not much.



615

01:18:41,463 --> 01:18:43,260

But things are getting better.



616

01:18:51,173 --> 01:18:55,906

l like having you handy, Doctor.

lt has its advantages.



617

01:18:57,446 --> 01:18:58,913

Serrano, stay here.



618

01:18:59,081 --> 01:19:00,139

l talked.



619

01:19:01,550 --> 01:19:02,778

Not much.



620

01:19:05,154 --> 01:19:08,590

-B-b-but l talked.

-l'm sorry.



621

01:19:09,324 --> 01:19:10,916

l'm so sorry.



622

01:19:18,067 --> 01:19:23,198

Kill me.

Kill me now, please.



623

01:19:39,388 --> 01:19:40,980

Son of a bitch.



624

01:20:02,077 --> 01:20:04,011

lt'll take away the pain.



625

01:20:10,385 --> 01:20:11,852

lt's almost over.



626

01:20:20,596 --> 01:20:21,927

Watch Dr. Ferreiro,



627

01:20:22,064 --> 01:20:23,531

-l'll be right there.

-Yes, Captain.



628

01:20:47,089 --> 01:20:48,681

You're not moving anymore.



629

01:20:50,192 --> 01:20:51,625

Are you sick?



630

01:20:54,830 --> 01:20:57,355

What are you doing down there?



631

01:21:10,946 --> 01:21:12,607

-Call him!

-Who?



632

01:21:12,714 --> 01:21:15,114

Who else, you imbecile?

Ferreiro!



633

01:21:39,208 --> 01:21:41,301

What the hell is this?



634

01:21:44,379 --> 01:21:45,971

No! No, no!



635

01:21:46,215 --> 01:21:49,810

Leave her.

Leave her alone, please!



636

01:21:51,520 --> 01:21:54,080

Look at this! Look what she

was hiding under your bed!



637

01:21:54,489 --> 01:21:55,683

What do you think of this?



638

01:22:00,295 --> 01:22:04,789

Ofelia, what is this thing doing

under the bed?



639

01:22:05,000 --> 01:22:08,936

lt's a magic root

the faun gave me.



640

01:22:09,104 --> 01:22:11,698

This is all because of thatjunk

you let her read.



641

01:22:12,040 --> 01:22:13,007

Look what you've done!



642

01:22:13,141 --> 01:22:17,202

Please, leave us alone.

l'll talk to her, darling.



643

01:22:17,846 --> 01:22:20,781

Fine.

As you wish.



644

01:22:22,584 --> 01:22:25,280

He told me you would get better.

And you did.



645

01:22:25,554 --> 01:22:28,455

Ofelia, you have to listen

to your father.



646

01:22:29,791 --> 01:22:30,883

You have to stop all this.



647

01:22:31,560 --> 01:22:34,188

No. l want to leave this place!



648

01:22:34,529 --> 01:22:37,692

Please, take me away from here!

Let's just go, Please!



649

01:22:37,833 --> 01:22:40,131

Things are not that simple.



650

01:22:42,371 --> 01:22:44,202

You're getting older,



651

01:22:45,240 --> 01:22:48,607

soon you'll see that life

isn't like your fairy tales.



652

01:22:49,211 --> 01:22:51,406

The world is a cruel place.



653

01:22:52,781 --> 01:22:56,512

And you'll learn that,

even if it hurts.



654

01:22:58,120 --> 01:23:00,645

-No! No!

-Ofelia!



655

01:23:01,990 --> 01:23:06,950

Magic does not exist.

Not for you, me or anyone else.



656

01:23:18,774 --> 01:23:21,038

Mom! Help!



657

01:23:21,510 --> 01:23:22,943

Help!



658

01:23:23,812 --> 01:23:25,074

Help!



659

01:23:31,119 --> 01:23:32,086

Why did you do it?



660

01:23:34,423 --> 01:23:36,084

lt was the only thing l could do.



661

01:23:37,426 --> 01:23:39,656

No. You could have obeyed me.



662

01:23:41,430 --> 01:23:43,694

l could have, but l didn't.



663

01:23:45,634 --> 01:23:48,159

lt would have been better for you.

You know it.



664

01:23:49,571 --> 01:23:52,540

l don't understand.

Why didn't you obey me?



665

01:23:52,841 --> 01:23:58,973

To obey-just like that-for the sake

of obeying, without questioning...



666

01:24:00,716 --> 01:24:03,708

that's something only people

like you can do, Captain.



667

01:24:41,156 --> 01:24:42,487

Captain!



668

01:24:48,797 --> 01:24:51,163

Garces! Call the troop paramedic.



669

01:24:51,366 --> 01:24:53,857

-Get up immediately!

-Yes, Captain.



670

01:25:28,503 --> 01:25:30,368

Your wife is dead.



671

01:25:40,048 --> 01:25:43,540

Because the paths to the Lord

are inscrutable.



672

01:25:44,019 --> 01:25:45,884

Because the essence

of His forgiveness



673

01:25:45,954 --> 01:25:49,287

lies in His word

and in His mystery.



674

01:25:50,158 --> 01:25:53,150

Because although God

sends us the message,



675

01:25:53,295 --> 01:25:55,923

it is our task to decipher it.



676

01:25:56,798 --> 01:25:58,629

Because when we open our arms



677

01:25:58,800 --> 01:26:03,669

the earth takes in only a hollow

and senseless shell.



678

01:26:05,040 --> 01:26:07,975

Far away now is the soul

in its eternal glory.



679

01:26:08,577 --> 01:26:12,240

Because it is in pain

that we find the meaning of life.



680

01:26:13,048 --> 01:26:15,983

And the state of grace

that we lose when we are born.



681

01:26:17,319 --> 01:26:22,586

Because God, in His infinite wisdom,

puts the solution in our hands.



682

01:26:26,661 --> 01:26:29,152

And because it is only

in His physical absence,



683

01:26:29,331 --> 01:26:33,597

that the place He occupies

in our souls is reaffirmed.



684

01:26:55,557 --> 01:26:59,049

You knew

Dr. Ferreiro pretty well,

didn't you, Mercedes?



685

01:27:00,128 --> 01:27:03,063

We all knew him, sir.

Everyone around here.



686

01:27:05,033 --> 01:27:08,662

The stutterer spoke of an informer.

Here... at the mill.



687

01:27:09,838 --> 01:27:13,706

Can you imagine?

Right under my nose.



688

01:27:15,544 --> 01:27:18,980

Mercedes, please.



689

01:27:28,723 --> 01:27:30,156

What must you think of me?



690

01:27:31,426 --> 01:27:33,018

You must think that

l'm a monster.



691

01:27:33,562 --> 01:27:36,463

lt doesn't matter

what someone like me thinks, sir.



692

01:27:46,641 --> 01:27:49,542

l want you to the storehouse

and bring me some more liquor, please.



693

01:27:49,811 --> 01:27:53,008

Yes, sir.

Goodnight, sir.



694

01:27:53,582 --> 01:27:57,541

Mercedes,

aren't you forgetting something?



695

01:27:58,587 --> 01:27:59,576

Sir?



696

01:28:04,626 --> 01:28:05,524

The key.



697

01:28:06,561 --> 01:28:08,893

l do have the only copy, don't l?



698

01:28:10,098 --> 01:28:11,087

Yes, sir.



699

01:28:12,634 --> 01:28:16,627

You know, there's an odd detail

that's been bothering me.



700

01:28:16,972 --> 01:28:18,906

Maybe it's not important, but...



701

01:28:19,174 --> 01:28:20,766

the day they broke into

the storehouse,



702

01:28:21,009 --> 01:28:23,341

with all those grenades

and explosives,



703

01:28:24,245 --> 01:28:25,735

the lock itself wasn't forced.



704

01:28:28,049 --> 01:28:31,644

As l said, it's probably

not important.



705

01:28:35,256 --> 01:28:36,553

Be very careful.



706

01:28:38,660 --> 01:28:39,888

Good night, sir.



707

01:29:22,737 --> 01:29:25,501

Ofelia, Ofelia!



708

01:29:25,774 --> 01:29:27,799

Ofelia, l'm leaving tonight.



709

01:29:28,343 --> 01:29:31,835

-Where to?

-l can't tell you. l can't tell you...



710

01:29:31,946 --> 01:29:34,972

-Take me with you.

-No, no. l can't.



711

01:29:35,083 --> 01:29:38,109

l can't, my child. But l'll come

back for you, l promise.



712

01:29:38,253 --> 01:29:39,379

Take me with you.



713

01:30:04,279 --> 01:30:05,576

l heard something.



714

01:30:10,552 --> 01:30:13,715

lt's nothing, don't worry.



715

01:30:23,064 --> 01:30:24,053

Mercedes.



716

01:30:26,234 --> 01:30:27,201

Ofelia.



717

01:30:36,211 --> 01:30:37,838

How long have

you known about her?



718

01:30:43,251 --> 01:30:44,809

How long have you been

laughing at me?



719

01:30:45,053 --> 01:30:46,247

Little bitch!



720

01:30:47,589 --> 01:30:48,851

Watch her!



721

01:30:52,327 --> 01:30:54,056

And if anyone tries to get in,



722

01:30:55,029 --> 01:30:56,621

kill her first.



723

01:31:10,945 --> 01:31:11,912

Dry meat.



724

01:31:15,517 --> 01:31:16,506

Tobacco.



725

01:31:17,819 --> 01:31:20,583

lf you had asked for it, l would have

given this to you, Mercedes.



726

01:31:27,796 --> 01:31:30,026

l want the names of whoever

wrote these letters.



727

01:31:31,766 --> 01:31:33,927

And l want them

in front of me, tomorrow.



728

01:31:34,302 --> 01:31:35,326

Yes, Captain.



729

01:31:38,206 --> 01:31:39,673

You can go, Garces.



730

01:31:41,242 --> 01:31:42,641

You're sure, Captain?



731

01:31:45,079 --> 01:31:47,843

For God's sake,

she's just a woman.



732

01:31:51,820 --> 01:31:53,981

That's what you've always thought.



733

01:31:55,156 --> 01:31:57,954

That's why l was able to get away with it.



734

01:31:58,193 --> 01:32:02,857

-l was invisible to you.

-Damn.



735

01:32:03,698 --> 01:32:07,498

You've found my weakness:

Pride.



736

01:32:08,903 --> 01:32:12,236

But it's your weak points

we're interested in.



737

01:32:14,609 --> 01:32:17,544

lt's very simple: you will talk...



738

01:32:19,247 --> 01:32:20,271

And l have to know



739

01:32:22,250 --> 01:32:23,547

that everything you say is the truth.



740

01:32:24,786 --> 01:32:29,052

We have a few things here

strictly for that purpose.



741

01:32:30,992 --> 01:32:32,254

Nothing complicated.



742

01:32:35,096 --> 01:32:36,620

Things we learn on the job.



743

01:32:38,733 --> 01:32:40,701

At first...



744

01:32:57,819 --> 01:33:01,050

l'm not some old man!

Not a wounded prisoner!



745

01:33:01,122 --> 01:33:05,183

Mother Fucker!

Don't you dare touch the girl?



746

01:33:05,426 --> 01:33:07,189

Won't be the first pig l gutted.



747

01:33:30,685 --> 01:33:31,777

Look! He let her go.



748

01:33:34,289 --> 01:33:35,586

The fuck did you say?



749

01:33:43,598 --> 01:33:46,294

Get her!

Come on! Bring her to me!



750

01:33:46,734 --> 01:33:48,565

Bring her to me, damn it!



751

01:33:48,703 --> 01:33:50,193

Mount up!



752

01:34:53,134 --> 01:34:55,625

lt'll be better if you come

with me without struggling.



753

01:34:56,270 --> 01:34:58,295

The Captain said that if you behave...



754

01:35:02,944 --> 01:35:04,707

Don't be a fool, sweetheart.



755

01:35:05,079 --> 01:35:06,637

lf anyone's going to kill you...



756

01:35:08,750 --> 01:35:09,944

l'd rather it be me.



757

01:36:20,321 --> 01:36:25,258

l've decided to give you

one last chance.



758

01:36:30,531 --> 01:36:32,226

Do you promise to do what l say?



759

01:36:34,235 --> 01:36:38,467

Will you do everything l tell you,

without question?



760

01:36:40,274 --> 01:36:43,243

This is your last chance.



761

01:36:44,378 --> 01:36:47,506

Then listen to me.



762

01:36:47,949 --> 01:36:50,349

Fetch your brother



763

01:36:50,751 --> 01:36:53,413

and bring him to the labyrinth,



764

01:36:53,554 --> 01:36:57,957

as quickly as you can,

Your Highness.



765

01:36:58,192 --> 01:36:59,523

My brother?



766

01:36:59,760 --> 01:37:01,091

We need him.



767

01:37:01,229 --> 01:37:04,289

-But...

-No more questions.



768

01:37:07,301 --> 01:37:08,859

The door's locked.



769

01:37:09,871 --> 01:37:15,776

ln that case,

create your own door.



770

01:40:04,412 --> 01:40:05,845

Captain, with your permission.



771

01:40:09,216 --> 01:40:10,240

Come quickly.



772

01:40:11,018 --> 01:40:14,283

-Now what?

-Serrano is back. He's wounded.



773

01:40:15,256 --> 01:40:16,621

Wounded?



774

01:41:02,837 --> 01:41:04,236

Where's Garces?



775

01:41:11,712 --> 01:41:12,701

How many were there?



776

01:41:13,247 --> 01:41:15,477

l don't know exactly, Captain.



777

01:41:15,916 --> 01:41:17,406

Fifty men, at least.



778

01:41:17,518 --> 01:41:21,113

The rest of the men didn't make it.

Our watch posts are not responding.



779

01:41:21,255 --> 01:41:24,850

-How many men we have left?

-Twenty, maybe less, sir.



780

01:41:35,669 --> 01:41:39,036

We're leaving.

Together.



781

01:41:40,074 --> 01:41:41,336

Don't be afraid.



782

01:41:42,209 --> 01:41:43,870

Nothing is going to happen to you.



783

01:41:50,251 --> 01:41:51,878

Put them on picket duty

at the tree line.



784

01:41:52,019 --> 01:41:54,146

lf the rest of the squad gets back,

have it report immediately to me.



785

01:41:54,388 --> 01:41:57,880

Radio for reinforcements, now.



786

01:41:58,058 --> 01:41:59,355

Yes, Captain.



787

01:42:26,187 --> 01:42:27,415

Leave him!



788

01:43:13,501 --> 01:43:14,763

Ofelia!



789

01:44:41,922 --> 01:44:44,618

Quickly, Your Majesty,



790

01:44:44,892 --> 01:44:47,417

give him to me.



791

01:44:47,962 --> 01:44:51,056

The full moon is high in the sky,



792

01:44:51,165 --> 01:44:53,998

we can open the portal.



793

01:44:54,902 --> 01:44:56,529

Why is that in your hand?



794

01:44:58,038 --> 01:45:02,941

The portal will only open

if we offer the blood of an innocent.



795

01:45:03,243 --> 01:45:07,680

Just a drop of blood.

A pinprick, that's all.



796

01:45:07,781 --> 01:45:10,375

lt's the final task.



797

01:45:10,684 --> 01:45:12,015

Hurry.



798

01:45:14,722 --> 01:45:17,816

You promised to obey me!



799

01:45:18,258 --> 01:45:20,488

-Give me the boy!

-No!



800

01:45:21,095 --> 01:45:23,222

My brother stays with me.



801

01:45:23,464 --> 01:45:29,369

You would give up your sacred rights

for this brat you barely know?



802

01:45:29,436 --> 01:45:32,234

Yes, l would.



803

01:45:33,540 --> 01:45:36,008

You would give up

your throne for him?



804

01:45:36,143 --> 01:45:40,739

He who has caused you

such misery, such humiliation?



805

01:45:41,281 --> 01:45:44,148

Yes, l would.



806

01:45:48,255 --> 01:45:53,955

As you wish, Your Highness.



807

01:46:09,677 --> 01:46:10,701

No!



808

01:47:09,403 --> 01:47:10,392

My son.



809

01:47:37,998 --> 01:47:39,659

Tell my son...



810

01:47:45,506 --> 01:47:47,599

Tell him what time his father died.



811

01:47:48,408 --> 01:47:49,705

-Tell him that l...

-No.



812

01:47:50,911 --> 01:47:52,674

He won't even know your name.



813

01:49:35,515 --> 01:49:37,540

Arise, my daughter.



814

01:49:40,854 --> 01:49:42,116

Come.



815

01:50:08,348 --> 01:50:09,576

Father.



816

01:50:10,083 --> 01:50:13,712

You have spilled your own blood

rather than that of an innocent.



817

01:50:14,488 --> 01:50:18,322

That was the final task,

and the most important.



818

01:50:28,835 --> 01:50:34,102

And you chose well,

Your Highness.



819

01:50:34,341 --> 01:50:36,002

Come here with me,



820

01:50:36,877 --> 01:50:39,004

and sit by your father's side.



821

01:50:39,479 --> 01:50:41,674

He's been waiting for you so long.



822

01:51:34,601 --> 01:51:38,367

And it is said the princess

returned to her father's kingdom.



823

01:51:39,306 --> 01:51:44,642

That she reigned there with justice

and a kind heart for many centuries.



824

01:51:45,545 --> 01:51:47,809

That she was loved by her people.



825

01:51:48,081 --> 01:51:52,780

And that she left behind

small traces of her time on earth,



826

01:51:53,887 --> 01:51:58,722

visible only to those

who know where to look.

Idiocracy

2008-08-31T03:12:00.000-07:00

Year: 2006
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Sci-Fi
IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/

Filename: Idiocracy[2006]DvDrip.AC3[Eng]-aXXo.avi

Video
Video Size: 564 x 300
Frame Rate: 23.976 fps
Number of frames: 121123 frames
Codec FourCC: DX50
Duration: 01:24:11.843
Aspect Ratio: 1:1 (1:1)

Audio
Codec: AC3
Mode: STEREO
BitRate: 24000 Bps / 192 kbps
Frequency: 48000 Hz
Duration: 01:24:11.843 (115 MBytes)

SubTitles: Idiocracy[2006]DvDrip.AC3[Eng]-aXXo.srt

1

00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:44,470

As the 21st century began...



2

00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:48,104

human evolution was

at a turning point.



3

00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:53,151

Natural selection, the process by which

the strongest, the smartest...



4

00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,814

the fastest reproduced

in greater numbers than the rest...



5

00:00:56,923 --> 00:01:00,757

a process which had once

favored the noblest traits of man...



6

00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,260

now began to favor

different traits.



7

00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,263

The Joey Buttafuoco case-



8

00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:09,165

Most science fiction of the day

predicted a future that was more civilized...



9

00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:11,362

and more intelligent.



10

00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:15,498

But as time went on, things seemed

to be heading in the opposite direction.



11

00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:17,576

A dumbing down.



12

00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:19,702

How did this happen?



13

00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:23,078

Evolution does not necessarily

reward intelligence.



14

00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:25,708

With no natural predators

to thin the herd...



15

00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:29,118

it began to simply reward those

who reproduced the most...



16

00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:33,352

and left the intelligent

to become an endangered species.



17

00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:38,987

Having kids is such

an important decision.



18

00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,532

We're just waiting

for the right time.



19

00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,965

It's not something you want

to rush into, obviously.



20

00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:44,969

No way.



21

00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:47,471

Oh, shit,

I'm pregnant again!



22

00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,668

Shit!

I got too many damn kids!



23

00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,008

- I thought you was on the pill or some shit!

- Hell, no!



24

00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,082

Shit! I must've been

thinkin' of Brittany.



25

00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:58,309

Brittany?

No, you didn't!



26

00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:01,478

- There's no way we could have a child now.

- Mm-mm.



27

00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,556

Not with the market

the way it is, no.



28

00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:05,988

God, no. That just

wouldn't make any sense.



29

00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:09,027

Come on over here, bitch!

He don't care about you!



30

00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,791

Yeah? Well, there must be

somethin' he likes over here.



31

00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:15,163

- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!

- Clevon!



32

00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:18,328

Oh, shit.

It wasn't me! It wasn't me!



33

00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:21,737

Well, we finally decided

to have children...



34

00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:25,868

and I'm not pointing fingers,

but it's not going well.



35

00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,879

And this is helping.



36

00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:31,075

I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,

maybe you should be willing to-



37

00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:33,084

It's always me, right?



38

00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:36,553

Well, it's not

my sperm count.



39

00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:39,216

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm gonna fuck all y'all!



40

00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,088

That's my boy!



41

00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:43,492

Whoo! Whoo!



42

00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:47,298

Clevon is lucky

to be alive.



43

00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,732

He attempted to jump

a Jet Ski from a lake...



44

00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:53,067

into a swimming pool

and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.



45

00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,232

But thanks to recent advances

in stem cell research...



46

00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:58,310

and the fine work of Doctors Krinski

and Altschuler...



47

00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,606

Clevon should regain

full reproductive function.



48

00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:02,613

Get your hands

off my junk!



49

00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,947

Unfortunately, Trevor passed away

from a heart attack...



50

00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:12,149

while masturbating...



51

00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:15,352

to produce sperm

for artificial insemination.



52

00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,361

But I have

some eggs frozen...



53

00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:21,160

so just as soon as the right guy

comes along, you know-



54

00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,896

And so it went for generations...



55

00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:30,805

although few, if any,

seemed to notice.



56

00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:36,678

But in the year 2005, in a military base

just outside of Washington, D.C...



57

00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:40,719

a simple army librarian

was unknowingly...



58

00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:44,722

about to change the entire course

of human history.



59

00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:46,587

Come on, asshole!

Go on! Take him to jail!



60

00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,490

Hey, Bauers.



61

00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:55,090

This is Peterson,

your new replacement.



62

00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:59,069

- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?

- Yeah, they didn't tell you?



63

00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,265

- No.

- Some new assignment.



64

00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,672

They're being all weird

and hush-hush about it.



65

00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,609

I don't want a new assignment.

I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.



66

00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:10,479

- I'm good at this.

- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?



67

00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,177

No one ever comes in here.



68

00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:16,517

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.

No one bothers me. I can't screw up.



69

00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:19,683

If I can just stay in here another eight years,

I get my pension.



70

00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:22,920

I'm all set. Can you just

get me out of this?



71

00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,759

No way. Not this time.

It's coming from high up.



72

00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:30,234

Jesus. I don't understand.

Why me?



73

00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,965

Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,

or get out of the way," I get out of the way.



74

00:04:34,073 --> 00:04:37,702

When he says that, you're not supposed

to choose "get out of the way."



75

00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:41,871

It's supposed to embarrass you

into leading or at least following.



76

00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,846

That doesn't

embarrass me.



77

00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,850

Look, Joe.

You don't have a choice.



78

00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,783

You're just gonna

have to follow.



79

00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,355

Like, follow me upstairs,

like, now.



80

00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:54,222

Right now?

Shouldn't I train this guy?



81

00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:58,525

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass

and watch TV all day. Let's go.



82

00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,665

Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...



83

00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,903

our first subject for the Human

Hibernation Experiment.



84

00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,945

Now, as you know,

throughout the years...



85

00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,515

many of our best pilots,

soldiers and military leaders...



86

00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:18,811

often go their entire careers

without ever seeing battle.



87

00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:23,651

With the Human Hibernation Project,

we will be able to save our best men...



88

00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:26,691

frozen in their prime,

for use when they are needed most.



89

00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:30,524

Joe, here, is not

one of our best men.



90

00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:35,260

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily

for how remarkably average he is.



91

00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:40,032

Extremely average in every

category. Remarkable, truly.



92

00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:42,903

The most average person

in our entire armed forces.



93

00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,534

Additionally, he has no family,

is unmarried...



94

00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:47,943

is an only child,

and both parents are deceased...



95

00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:51,710

making him an ideal candidate,

with no one to ask any nosy questions...



96

00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,877

should something go wrong

with the experiment.



97

00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:58,548

We had a little less luck in finding a female

researcher's dream within our ranks...



98

00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:02,719

and were forced to look

into the private sector.



99

00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:06,287

This is Rita. Like Joe,

she has no immediate family.



100

00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:09,129

Rita agreed to participate

in this experiment...



101

00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:13,296

in exchange for dropping

of certain criminal charges and a small fee.



102

00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:17,103

We did, however, have to come

to an arrangement with her pimp...



103

00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:21,237

a gentleman who goes by the name

Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-



104

00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:27,013

With two D's, as he says,

for a double dose of this pimping.



105

00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,350

Upgrayedd agreed

to loan us Rita for exactly one year...



106

00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:32,788

and keep quiet on the matter,

in exchange for certain leeways...



107

00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:36,123

with the local authorities

in running his pimp game.



108

00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,393

First, however, there was

the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.



109

00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:44,329

Collins, could we skip

to the technicals, please?



110

00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:46,735

Sure.

Let me just finish here.



111

00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:51,139

You see, a pimp's love is very different

from that of a square.



112

00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,269

Collins!



113

00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,048

Fine. We'll move on.



114

00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,948

It is a fascinating

world though.



115

00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:14,956

Jesus, Collins.



116

00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,361

Yeah, that's-



117

00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,436

Anyway, the experiment

in which these two subjects...



118

00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:25,534

are to be placed

into a dry freeze...



119

00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,977

for exactly one year

is set to begin tomorrow.



120

00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,275

As you know,

this is highly classified.



121

00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:35,514

However, if successful, we believe humans

can be stored indefinitely.



122

00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,753

So this is kinda crazy, huh?



123

00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:49,392

- What unit are you with?

- Oh, I ain't in the service.



124

00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:52,369

Oh, private sector.

Okay.



125

00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:56,966

- So, uh, what do you do?

- A little of this, a little of that.



126

00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:59,271

Wow, that's great.



127

00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,211

You know, I really envy people

that can make a living that way-



128

00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,340

doing a little of this

and a little of that.



129

00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:09,251

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.

He used to make chainsaw sculptures...



130

00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:11,255

and then he'd sell 'em

at the flea market.



131

00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:13,257

Yeah.



132

00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:18,129

So, uh, you an artist

or somethin'?



133

00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:22,333

- Uh, yeah.

- You do paintings or-



134

00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,903

- Yeah, paintings.

- Okay, great.



135

00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,168

- Mm-hmm.

- What do you paint mostly?



136

00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:35,338

I don't know, just...

people and fruit and shit.



137

00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:40,613

Wow. Well, must be great to be able

to make a living doing something you love.



138

00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,348

Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.



139

00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,117

Who wants to go first?



140

00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:47,715

Me.



141

00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:55,765

What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.



142

00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:59,565

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that

with the I.V.s attached and all.



143

00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:02,766

- What's the matter?

- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me

they'd be putting me...



144

00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,968

in no damn coffin

with tubes and shit!



145

00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:08,069

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

It'll be safe. Trust me.



146

00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,738

Who's Upgrayedd?



147

00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,817

He's my boyfriend.



148

00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:15,120

Man, how do you know

this shit's safe?



149

00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,121

These guys know what they're doing.

Don't worry.



150

00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,987

They've tested it on dogs

and everything.



151

00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:22,959

What happens is, the drugs will kick in,

we drift off to sleep...



152

00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,053

we wake up in a year,

you'll be paintin' again.



153

00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,155

- It'll be fine.

- All right.



154

00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:31,168

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.

Is he Dutch?



155

00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,838

See, 'cause I knew this,

uh, Dutch exchange student.



156

00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,466

His name was Untgrad.



157

00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,602

Okay, my niggas,

we're almost set here.



158

00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:42,510

Just go ahead

and lie down. Relax.



159

00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,588

See you in a year.



160

00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:56,355

The Human Hibernation Project...



161

00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:59,488

was one of the army's most

ambitious experiments...



162

00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,432

and one of its most secretive.



163

00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,969

But it was not immune

from human error.



164

00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:09,707

Freeze!



165

00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:22,082

Soon after Collins's arrest

and the massive scandal that followed...



166

00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:24,952

the base was closed.



167

00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:29,756

It hadn't even been a year,

and the entire project was simply forgotten.



168

00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:35,897

Things looked bleak for Joe,

but they were even worse for mankind.



169

00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:39,267

As Joe and Rita lay dormant,

the years passed...



170

00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:43,399

and mankind became stupider

at a frightening rate.



171

00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:55,884

Some had high hopes

that genetic engineering...



172

00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,979

would correct this

trend in evolution.



173

00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:01,253

But sadly, the greatest minds

and resources...



174

00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:06,229

were focused on conquering hair loss

and prolonging erections.



175

00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:14,239

Meanwhile, the population exploded,

and intelligence continued to decline...



176

00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:18,936

until humanity was incapable

of solving even its most basic problems.



177

00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:24,039

Like garbage, which had been stacked

for centuries with no plan whatsoever...



178

00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:29,019

leading to the Great Garbage

Avalanche of 2505...



179

00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:34,457

which would set in motion the events

that would change the world forever.



180

00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:11,258

- Hold on.

- Next, on The Violence Channel...



181

00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,593

an all-new Ow! My Balls!



182

00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,946

All right.



183

00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:39,447

That guy got hit in the balls.



184

00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:42,083

Ow, my balls!



185

00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,965

Huh?



186

00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:58,199

- Where's-

- Hold on. Shut up!



187

00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,954

- Where's Officer Collins?

- Shut up!



188

00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:16,687

Next week on Ow! My Balls!

Hormel goes to Paris!



189

00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:21,529

- Are we on base?

- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.



190

00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,070

In your face, ass!

Shut up.



191

00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:27,298

I'm sorry. It's just-

Where am I?



192

00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,601

Shut up!

I told you already!



193

00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,979

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!



194

00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:41,746

Come in here

and not shut up.



195

00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:45,415

Yeah, you were like,

"I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like-



196

00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:03,006

Unaware of what year it was...



197

00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,100

Joe wandered the streets,

desperate for help.



198

00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:08,578

But the English language

had deteriorated...



199

00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:13,778

into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl,

inner-city slang and various grunts.



200

00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:17,322

Joe was able to understand them...



201

00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:20,790

but when he spoke

in an ordinary voice...



202

00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,487

he sounded pompous

and faggy to them.



203

00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,079

Paging Doc-



204

00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:49,620

Report to, uh-



205

00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:54,125

Dr. Lueboo...



206

00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,454

uh, report.



207

00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,428

Your floor-Your floor is now clean.



208

00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:00,760

Your floor-

Your floor is now clean.



209

00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:03,232

Your floor-

Your floor is now clean.



210

00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:08,466

Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,

and I'm not feeling so well.



211

00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,168

I think it might have been

the drugs they had me on.



212

00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,404

I've been hallucinating.



213

00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:15,980

My head is just killin' me.



214

00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:19,107

My-My-My joints

are all achy and I-



215

00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,753

Is this a hospital or-



216

00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:26,985

Actually, I don't even know where I am.



217

00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,322

Please proceed

to the diagnostic area on the right...



218

00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:33,762

- and have a healthy day!

- Oh. Thanks.



219

00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,629

Thank you!



220

00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:50,841

Uh, 'scuse me. I think this

might be Gatorade or somethin'.



221

00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,851

- I was just looking for some regular water.

- Water?



222

00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,979

- Yeah.

- You mean like in the toilet? What for?



223

00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,990

You know, just to drink.



224

00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,032

You've got hepatitis!



225

00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,899

Oh, is someone not

feeling well?



226

00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:16,566

Your illness

is very important to us.



227

00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:19,542

- Next.

- Welcome

to the Healthmaster Inferno...



228

00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,670

- powered by Jormi Technology.

- Uh, this goes in your mouth.



229

00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:27,218

This one goes in your ear.

And this one goes in your butt.



230

00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,183

Come on.



231

00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:34,191

- Hurry up, asshole!

- Come on!



232

00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,225

Shit. Hang on a second.



233

00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,433

This one- No.



234

00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,365

- Hey, come on.

- Uh-



235

00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,667

- Hurry up!

- This one. This one goes in your mouth.



236

00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,942

Come on!



237

00:16:57,483 --> 00:17:00,509

Thank you for waiting.

Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.



238

00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,856

That's a weird misprint.



239

00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:14,063

Hey.

How's it hang, ese?



240

00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:17,863

Yeah. Right.

Well, not so good, you know.



241

00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,962

I don't really know what's going on,

but I'm seein' things.



242

00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:23,974

I think it might be because of

these drugs the army put me on.



243

00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:27,773

But, if you could, uh, just get me

well enough to get back to base-



244

00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,542

Right. Kick ass.



245

00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:33,777

Well, don't wanna sound

like a dick or nothin'...



246

00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,719

but, uh, it says on your chart

that you're fucked up.



247

00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:40,314

You talk like a fag,

and your shit's all retarded.



248

00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:44,795

What I'd do is just like,

like, you know...



249

00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,333

like, you know what I mean? Like-



250

00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:52,700

- No, I'm serious here.

- Don't worry, scrot.



251

00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,831

Now there are plenty of 'tards

out there living really kick-ass lives.



252

00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:59,308

My first wife was 'tarded.

She's a pilot now.



253

00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:03,279

I need for you to be serious

for a second here, okay? I need help.



254

00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,145

There's that fag talk

we talked about.



255

00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:09,084

All right, so that'll be...

this many dollars.



256

00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:13,249

And if you could just go ahead and,

like, put your tattoo in that shit.



257

00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:17,294

That's weird. This thing has the same

misprint as that magazine.



258

00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:21,457

- What are the odds of-

- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?



259

00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:24,331

Why don't you have this?



260

00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,939

Oh, God.



261

00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,101

- Where's your tattoo?

- Oh, my God.



262

00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:36,681

Why come you don't

have a tattoo?



263

00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:41,343

- Oh, my God!

- You're not unscannable, are you?



264

00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,783

Oh, my God!



265

00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:48,326

You're unscannable.



266

00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:51,225

- Unscannable!

- No! No, you don't understand!



267

00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,890

You gotta let me talk

to someone in the army! Wait a second.



268

00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,832

They're all dead.

Everybody I know's dead!



269

00:18:56,935 --> 00:18:58,664

Oh, my God! Oh!



270

00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:03,902

- No! Stop! Calm down!

- Calm down! Calm down!



271

00:19:04,009 --> 00:19:06,170

- How'd this happen?

- How did it happen?



272

00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:09,509

Your floor is now clean.



273

00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,879

Your floor is now clean.



274

00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:36,207

Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.



275

00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:39,539

The economy was

in a state of deep neglect.



276

00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:43,103

A great dust bowl

had ravaged food supplies.



277

00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:48,050

And the number one movie

in the country was called Ass.



278

00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,983

And that's all it was

for 90 minutes.



279

00:19:55,160 --> 00:20:00,257

It won eight Oscars that year,

including best screenplay.



280

00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:07,430

Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.



281

00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:10,531

You didn't gimme no fries.

I got an empty box.



282

00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:13,475

Would you like another

Extra Big-Ass Fries?



283

00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,274

I said I didn't get any.



284

00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,245

Thank you. Your account has been charged.



285

00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:19,249

Your balance is zero.



286

00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:22,843

- What? Oh, no. No!

- Please come back when you

can afford to make a purchase.



287

00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,855

I'm sorry you're having trouble.



288

00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,482

- Come on! My kids are starvin'.

- I'm sorry you're having trouble.



289

00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:32,486

This should

help you calm down.



290

00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:35,465

Please come back when you

can afford to make a purchase.



291

00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:40,766

Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes

no child should go hungry.



292

00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:45,832

You are an unfit mother. Your children

will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.



293

00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:48,970

Carl's Jr.

"Fuck you. I'm eating."



294

00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,146

Welcome to Carl's Jr.



295

00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,846

Would you like to try

our Extra Big-Ass Taco...



296

00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:58,514

now with more molecules?



297

00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:01,616

Hey! Is this particular

individual the unfit mother?



298

00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:05,663

- Me? No.

- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.



299

00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:11,298

Listen, I can explain, okay?

I was in an army experiment.



300

00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:16,800

Wait a second. There's the other pod

from the army experiment.



301

00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:19,172

There was a girl.

She was from the same experiment.



302

00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,645

Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.



303

00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,773

Joe was arrested for not

paying his hospital bill...



304

00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:28,319

and not having

his U.P.C. tattoo.



305

00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:33,722

He would soon discover that

in the future, justice was not only blind...



306

00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:37,625

but had become

rather retarded as well.



307

00:21:37,729 --> 00:21:40,698

You shut up! Now-



308

00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:45,131

I'm fixin' to commensurate

this trial here.



309

00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:49,867

We gonna see if we can't

come up with a verdict up in here.



310

00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:54,139

Now, since y'all

say you ain't got no money...



311

00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:57,579

we have "proprietarily"

obtained for you...



312

00:21:57,683 --> 00:22:01,517

one of them

court-appointed lawyers.



313

00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:06,648

So, put your hands together

and give it up for Frito Pendejo.



314

00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,487

You're my lawyer?



315

00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:12,927

Says here you, uh,

robbed a hospital?



316

00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:15,431

- Why'd you do that?

- Yeah. I'm not guilty.



317

00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:18,332

- That's not what the other lawyer said.

- What do you mean what the-



318

00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:20,405

Listen, you gotta get me

on the stand, okay?



319

00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:23,497

I can explain everything. We can take 'em

to your house, show 'em the pod.



320

00:22:23,608 --> 00:22:25,872

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!



321

00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:29,413

Now, prosecutor,

why you think he done it?



322

00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:32,540

Okay, number one, Your Honor,

just look at him.



323

00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:38,179

He talks like a fag too.



324

00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:41,987

And "B," we've got all this,

like, evidence...



325

00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:45,029

of how, like, this guy didn't

even pay at the hospital.



326

00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:48,065

And I heard that he doesn't

even have his tattoo.



327

00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:50,430

I know!



328

00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:54,062

And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me."

But check this out, man.



329

00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:57,073

Judge should be like, "Guilty."

Peace.



330

00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:05,479

- Objection!

- What are you objectifyin' on?



331

00:23:05,584 --> 00:23:07,848

- Come on. Just get me on the stand.

- Okay.



332

00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,617

- Um, Your Honor?

- Hmm?



333

00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:13,554

I object...



334

00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:17,651

that this guy also broke

my apartment to shit.



335

00:23:17,763 --> 00:23:19,754

- Yeah.

- What?



336

00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:24,393

And you know what else? I object that

he's not gonna have any money to pay me...



337

00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:27,631

after he pays back all the money

he stole from the hospital!



338

00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,730

Don't say I stole.

You're my lawyer.



339

00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:31,775

And I object.



340

00:23:31,877 --> 00:23:35,745

I object that he interrupted me

while I was watching Ow! My Balls!



341

00:23:35,847 --> 00:23:40,307

That is not okay! And I rest my case!



342

00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,819

Your Honor, I'm pretty sure

we have a mistrial here, sir.



343

00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:46,288

- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up

your ass, you don't shut up.



344

00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:48,859

- Please, listen.

- "Please, listen."



345

00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,689

I didn't steal anything.



346

00:23:50,796 --> 00:23:52,696

I was part of an army

experiment-



347

00:23:52,798 --> 00:23:55,790

Joe stated his case logically and passionately...



348

00:23:55,901 --> 00:24:00,998

but his perceived effeminate voice

only drew big gales of stupid laughter.



349

00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:02,767

Guilty!



350

00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:07,504

Without adequate legal representation,

Joe was given a stiff sentence.



351

00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:12,311

Meanwhile, Rita had awakened

to find that the world's oldest profession...



352

00:24:12,417 --> 00:24:15,654

was a lot easier when the world

is populated by morons.



353

00:24:15,689 --> 00:24:16,518

was a lot easier when the world

is populated by morons.



354

00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:20,352

Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,

Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.



355

00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,825

Please say the name

of the person you wish to call.



356

00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:24,759

Upgrayedd.



357

00:24:25,897 --> 00:24:30,459

There are 9,726 listings

for Upgrayedd.



358

00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:32,833

Please deposit $2,000

to begin connection.



359

00:24:32,938 --> 00:24:34,838

- Man, what?

- Oh, yeah, baby.



360

00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:37,408

Hey, look, can you just-

can you wait a second, please?



361

00:24:37,509 --> 00:24:41,878

Oh, yeah, baby.

I can wait so good.



362

00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:44,848

Really?



363

00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,483

Think, uh-You think maybe

you could wait a day?



364

00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:50,714

Baby, I can wait two days.



365

00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:55,384

Huh. That's good,

'cause I charge by the hour.



366

00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:59,430

Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad

you waited, baby.



367

00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:01,431

Thank you very much,

young man.



368

00:25:03,702 --> 00:25:05,363

What the fuck?



369

00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,995

Goddamn, shit's changed

in a year.



370

00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:11,908

What are we doin' here?



371

00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:14,501

Okay, sir, we're engaged

in procuring your tattoo.



372

00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:20,679

Welcome to

the Identity Processing Program of America.



373

00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:25,449

Please insert your forearm

into the forearm receptacle.



374

00:25:26,558 --> 00:25:28,458

Thank you.



375

00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,519

Please speak your name as it appears

on your current federal identity card-



376

00:25:32,631 --> 00:25:36,032

- Document number G24L8.

- I'm not sure if-



377

00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:40,127

You have entered the name "Not Sure."

Is this correct, Not Sure?



378

00:25:40,238 --> 00:25:42,138

No, it's not correct.



379

00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,835

Thank you. "Not" is correct.

Is "Sure" correct?



380

00:25:45,944 --> 00:25:47,969

No, it's not. My name is Joe-



381

00:25:48,079 --> 00:25:49,910

You've already confirmed

your first name is Not.



382

00:25:50,015 --> 00:25:53,644

- Please confirm your last name, "Sure."

- My-



383

00:25:53,752 --> 00:25:56,152

My last name is not Sure.



384

00:25:56,254 --> 00:25:58,882

- Thank you, Not Sure.

- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.



385

00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:04,326

Confirmation is complete. Please wait

while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.



386

00:26:06,431 --> 00:26:09,264

- Wait a second. Can we start over?

Can I cancel this?



387

00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:11,801

Can we cancel this and just go back

to the beginning?



388

00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:15,134

They're gonna tat-

Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?



389

00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,266

- Ow!

- Please hold still for your photograph.



390

00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:30,346

Oh, that's fuckin' great.



391

00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:34,791

Okay, sir...



392

00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:39,227

now we will begin to proceed

to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.



393

00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,265

What for?



394

00:26:41,366 --> 00:26:45,598

Okay, sir, this is to figure out

what your "aptude's" good at...



395

00:26:45,704 --> 00:26:50,835

and get you a jail job while

you're being a particular individual in jail.



396

00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:53,877

If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...



397

00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:56,539

and another bucket

that holds five gallons...



398

00:26:56,648 --> 00:26:59,412

how many buckets

do you have?



399

00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,253

Two?



400

00:27:03,355 --> 00:27:05,323

Thank you.



401

00:27:45,296 --> 00:27:47,264

'Too.



402

00:28:09,788 --> 00:28:12,450

Desperate and scared...



403

00:28:12,557 --> 00:28:15,355

Joe used his superior

intelligence...



404

00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:18,361

to come up with the best

escape plan he could think of.



405

00:28:18,463 --> 00:28:24,095

Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed

to be getting out of prison today, sir.



406

00:28:25,303 --> 00:28:27,362

Yeah.



407

00:28:27,472 --> 00:28:30,407

You're in the wrong line,

dumb ass. Over there.



408

00:28:30,508 --> 00:28:33,807

I'm sorry. I am being

a big dumb ass. Sorry.



409

00:28:33,912 --> 00:28:35,573

Hey, uh,

let this dumb ass through.



410

00:28:52,630 --> 00:28:55,326

- 'Too.

- Yeah. Got it.



411

00:28:57,736 --> 00:29:03,106

Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.

So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.



412

00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:05,108

Could you check again?



413

00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:08,270

'Cause, I was, you know-

I was definitely in prison, okay?



414

00:29:08,379 --> 00:29:12,315

I got sat on my face and everything.

Maybe check those files back there?



415

00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:23,156

"Excape." "Excape."



416

00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:25,821

"Excape." "Excape."



417

00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:29,696

"Excape." "Excape."



418

00:29:47,051 --> 00:29:48,951

The Masturbation Network.



419

00:29:49,053 --> 00:29:52,545

Keepin' America 'batin'

for 300 years.



420

00:29:52,657 --> 00:29:55,353

And now, Sweet Bang Tube.



421

00:29:55,460 --> 00:30:00,227

Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.



422

00:30:00,331 --> 00:30:02,322

Oh, yeah, that's-



423

00:30:02,433 --> 00:30:04,333

Go away! 'Batin'!



424

00:30:06,437 --> 00:30:08,632

Damn it.



425

00:30:08,740 --> 00:30:11,231

All right.



426

00:30:13,244 --> 00:30:16,179

Hey. Hey, get out of here.

Hey, get out of here!



427

00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:20,377

No, wait, listen. You let me,

an innocent man, get thrown in jail.



428

00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,852

So? Shut up,

'cause you broke my house.



429

00:30:23,955 --> 00:30:26,890

Hey, I could have you disbarred-

disbarred- for what you did to me.



430

00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:29,653

Then maybe you'd go to jail

for not havin' any money.



431

00:30:29,761 --> 00:30:31,854

Oh, really?



432

00:30:31,963 --> 00:30:35,262

Yeah, really. Now, look.

Okay, here's the deal.



433

00:30:35,366 --> 00:30:37,357

I've been thinking.

It's been 500 years.



434

00:30:37,468 --> 00:30:40,437

Someone has to have invented a way

to travel back in time by now.



435

00:30:40,538 --> 00:30:43,439

You know, I think they were pretty close

even in my day. You know?



436

00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:45,441

- With Einstein and guys like that?

- Uh-huh.



437

00:30:45,543 --> 00:30:48,103

- You know, scientists? You know?

- Uh.



438

00:30:49,447 --> 00:30:51,347

A time machine,

for time travel.



439

00:30:51,449 --> 00:30:54,077

- Do they have one?

- What?



440

00:30:58,389 --> 00:31:02,291

Jesus. I knew that was

too much to hope for.



441

00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:05,521

No, no, they got

a time machine.



442

00:31:05,630 --> 00:31:07,530

- They do?

- Yeah.



443

00:31:07,632 --> 00:31:09,532

- Are-Are-Are you sure?

- Yeah.



444

00:31:09,634 --> 00:31:13,468

- Can it get me back to 2005?

- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.



445

00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:16,802

And it breaks all the time 'cause

some smart guy made it a long time ago.



446

00:31:16,908 --> 00:31:19,069

I don't care.

Just get me there, okay?



447

00:31:19,177 --> 00:31:20,644

- Well-

- Please!



448

00:31:20,745 --> 00:31:23,976

Listen, I- I-

I "supersize" with you...



449

00:31:24,082 --> 00:31:26,846

but didn't you go to jail

for not havin' enough money?



450

00:31:26,951 --> 00:31:31,081

Okay, how about this? You get me

to the time machine, and when I get back...



451

00:31:31,189 --> 00:31:33,180

I open a savings account

in your name.



452

00:31:33,291 --> 00:31:35,816

That way, 500 years later,

it'll be worth billions.



453

00:31:35,927 --> 00:31:37,451

- Billions!

- 'Cause?



454

00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:40,395

'Cause of the interest,

it'll be worth billions of dollars.



455

00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:43,058

- Oh, I- I like money.

- Yeah.



456

00:31:43,167 --> 00:31:46,159

- How many billions?

- Like, 10.



457

00:31:46,271 --> 00:31:49,434

Yeah, suck one.

Time machine costs, like, 20.



458

00:31:49,540 --> 00:31:52,338

Yeah? Okay.

Uh, 30, Frito.



459

00:31:52,443 --> 00:31:55,606

Thirty billion dollars.



460

00:31:55,713 --> 00:32:00,150

Thirty billion.

So if you gave me 30 billion...



461

00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,242

and the time machine's 20-



462

00:32:02,353 --> 00:32:04,287

What's the minus

of 30 and 20?



463

00:32:04,389 --> 00:32:07,119

Uh, it's, uh-

it's 80, Frito.



464

00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:09,750

It's $80 billion.

That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?



465

00:32:09,861 --> 00:32:13,592

- Yeah. I like money though.

- Police! Open the door!



466

00:32:13,698 --> 00:32:15,859

We're looking for an "excaped" individual.



467

00:32:15,967 --> 00:32:19,562

- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.

- Eighty billion.



468

00:32:19,671 --> 00:32:23,664

Oh, um, he-

He's... somewhere else.



469

00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:28,109

- You got something I can wear?

- Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top,

assorted in the middle.



470

00:32:28,212 --> 00:32:30,339

A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.



471

00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:33,212

Seemed to be heading

for this particular "domistile."



472

00:32:33,318 --> 00:32:35,718

Okay, sir, we're comin' in.



473

00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:38,118

- No, you can't come in.

- Can too!



474

00:32:38,222 --> 00:32:40,281

- Come on!

- All right, let's go get my billions.



475

00:32:42,593 --> 00:32:46,654

Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find

this girl, Rita, first, okay?



476

00:32:46,764 --> 00:32:49,528

- Is she bangin'?

- Yeah, sure, she is.



477

00:32:49,634 --> 00:32:51,534

That wasn't really

part of the deal.



478

00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:55,538

- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another

couple billion, all right?

- I like money.



479

00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,700

Okay, her pod's up here on the right.

She shouldn't be far away, I hope.



480

00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:03,577

Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?

So when we gonna do it?



481

00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:07,014

'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,

and it's been, like, three days.



482

00:33:07,118 --> 00:33:11,111

Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.

Hey, you know what?



483

00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:13,850

Why don't you

come back tomorrow?



484

00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:16,586

- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!

- Yeah?



485

00:33:16,694 --> 00:33:19,857

When I finally utilize you,

you gonna be paying me.



486

00:33:19,964 --> 00:33:23,422

That's right.

Whatever you say, sir.



487

00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:26,002

- Hey, you still on the clock!

- Yeah, girl.



488

00:33:26,104 --> 00:33:29,232

- Thank you!

- Rita!



489

00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:33,208

Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.

Get in the car! Come on.



490

00:33:33,311 --> 00:33:35,609

Oh, yeah!

What the hell, man?



491

00:33:35,713 --> 00:33:37,613

Just get in the car.

I'll explain everything.



492

00:33:37,715 --> 00:33:40,206

- Where we going?

- Just get in the car.



493

00:33:40,318 --> 00:33:42,479

- Trust me.

- What happened to those army guys?



494

00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,847

Wait a minute. You got cops after you?



495

00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:51,588

- Yeah.

- And you made me get in the car?

I got two strikes, asshole!



496

00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,164

Frito, take a right here.

Right, right!



497

00:33:54,265 --> 00:33:56,233

Into that dust storm,

Frito.



498

00:34:02,407 --> 00:34:04,466

They must have just forgotten about us.



499

00:34:04,575 --> 00:34:07,976

It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!



500

00:34:08,079 --> 00:34:12,277

Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad

when I'm a day late with his money!



501

00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,476

So, you owe

your boyfriend money?



502

00:34:14,585 --> 00:34:17,076

Well, yeah,

he's sort of my manager too.



503

00:34:17,188 --> 00:34:20,988

You know, he helps me sell

the paintings and shit.



504

00:34:21,092 --> 00:34:26,428

Look, Rita, you gotta understand that

Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.



505

00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:29,329

- Yeah, man, but you said there

was a time machine, right?

- Yeah.



506

00:34:29,434 --> 00:34:32,961

Yeah, there's a time machine

now that can take us back to the past...



507

00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:35,471

but there was no

time machine back then, so-



508

00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:38,508

Upgrayedd don't care where

the time machine is. Now, then, last week-



509

00:34:38,609 --> 00:34:41,578

He will find a way

to come get his money!



510

00:34:41,679 --> 00:34:44,773

- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-

- You know what?



511

00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:47,442

Last time you told me not to worry

was 500 goddamn years ago...



512

00:34:47,552 --> 00:34:49,918

when you were trying to tell me

to get into some coffin.



513

00:34:50,021 --> 00:34:52,012

Look, Rita, I don't know

how this happened, okay?



514

00:34:52,123 --> 00:34:55,422

But I'm doing everything I can

to get us back there, okay? I promise you.



515

00:34:55,526 --> 00:34:59,087

You are harboring

a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.



516

00:34:59,197 --> 00:35:02,826

Please, pull over and wait for the police

to incarcerate your passenger.



517

00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:05,835

- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.

- Thank you for your help.



518

00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:08,167

If you don't have one of these,

they're gonna throw you in jail.



519

00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:11,264

You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.

I've been in them.



520

00:35:11,375 --> 00:35:14,105

They're bad. You're better off being with us,

as bad as that sounds.



521

00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:18,205

- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?

- Turned off my battery.



522

00:35:22,653 --> 00:35:26,111

Look, how far is it?

Can we just take a cab or something?



523

00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:31,223

Oh, shit.



524

00:35:39,170 --> 00:35:41,798

Oh! Oh, shit!



525

00:35:41,906 --> 00:35:44,136

Yeah!



526

00:35:44,242 --> 00:35:47,541

What the hell's wrong

with you? That's your car.



527

00:35:48,746 --> 00:35:52,477

Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!



528

00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:54,380

Come on!

Let's get out of here.



529

00:36:03,861 --> 00:36:05,852

Hey, how much farther is it?



530

00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,998

Uh, it's, like, far.



531

00:36:10,101 --> 00:36:13,537

Man, I could really

go for a Starbucks, you know?



532

00:36:13,638 --> 00:36:17,199

Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time

for a hand job, Joe.



533

00:36:22,980 --> 00:36:25,972

Man, he don't seem too bright.

You sure he knows where he's going?



534

00:36:26,083 --> 00:36:28,278

I sure hope so.

He's our only chance.



535

00:36:28,386 --> 00:36:31,913

How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?



536

00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:36,289

He's my lawyer.

And he's not a very good one either.



537

00:36:36,394 --> 00:36:38,954

He's a goddamned idiot.



538

00:36:39,063 --> 00:36:43,864

There's a shuttle down in the Costco.

It'll drop us right by the time machine.



539

00:37:02,153 --> 00:37:05,850

Jesus Christ.

Oh, look. One more thing.



540

00:37:05,957 --> 00:37:09,358

He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars

if he takes us there.



541

00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:13,590

So if he mentions anything about

a savings account, just play along, okay?



542

00:37:13,698 --> 00:37:15,598

Yeah, what if this

time machine don't work?



543

00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:18,999

Then I'll spend

the rest of my life trying to fix it.



544

00:37:23,774 --> 00:37:29,303

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.



545

00:37:30,414 --> 00:37:32,780

Welcome to Costco.

I love you.



546

00:37:34,885 --> 00:37:38,685

Shuttle's down there in electronics,

about an hour from here.



547

00:37:46,631 --> 00:37:48,963

We've been walking forever.

You sure you know where you're going?



548

00:37:49,066 --> 00:37:52,558

Yeah, I know this place pretty good.

I went to law school here.



549

00:37:52,670 --> 00:37:54,604

In Costco?



550

00:37:54,705 --> 00:37:57,105

Yeah. I couldn't

believe it myself.



551

00:37:57,208 --> 00:38:00,871

Luckily, my dad was an alumnus

and pulled some strings.



552

00:38:02,313 --> 00:38:05,111

Hey, come on, Joe.

I already told you...



553

00:38:05,216 --> 00:38:08,310

we'd all like a hand job,

but we don't have time for it.



554

00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:19,962

Hey, baby, wanna go out?



555

00:38:20,064 --> 00:38:22,624

Wanna go out, honey?



556

00:38:29,340 --> 00:38:31,968

Shuttle comes every few minutes.

Shouldn't be long.



557

00:38:32,076 --> 00:38:35,807

Do I got time to use the bathroom?



558

00:38:38,015 --> 00:38:40,711

- Uh, the toilet.

- Be right back.



559

00:38:41,619 --> 00:38:44,087

Yeah,

back that thing up.



560

00:38:44,188 --> 00:38:46,486

- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?

- What?



561

00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:48,421

- I like having sex with chicks.

- Yeah?



562

00:38:48,526 --> 00:38:50,426

- Yeah.

- I think everybody does, Frito.



563

00:38:50,528 --> 00:38:53,895

Not like I do. Like when you

get it like this, sideways.



564

00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:56,523

Then you just, like,

back it up. And then you-



565

00:38:56,634 --> 00:38:58,829

- That's real good.

- Then you- Oh, yeah!



566

00:38:58,936 --> 00:39:01,029

Stop! You're gonna

get us caught, okay?



567

00:39:01,138 --> 00:39:03,038

Warning! Warning!



568

00:39:03,140 --> 00:39:05,665

Costco has detected a dangerous

fugitive in aisle 16,702.



569

00:39:05,776 --> 00:39:08,210

Hey! What about Rita?

We can't just leave her here.



570

00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:10,542

I don't care.

Come on!



571

00:39:10,648 --> 00:39:15,017

Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?



572

00:39:15,119 --> 00:39:17,053

Wait, okay, I know.

Here's what we do.



573

00:39:17,154 --> 00:39:19,918

We go to the time machine,

then when I get back to the past...



574

00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,958

I tell her not

to do the experiment.



575

00:39:22,059 --> 00:39:24,254

- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?

- Uh-



576

00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,330

- No, wait.

- Please stand clear of the doors.



577

00:39:26,430 --> 00:39:29,228

She already is here. That must mean

I didn't go back in time, right?



578

00:39:29,333 --> 00:39:32,530

- Uh-

- No, wait, hold on. It just

means I haven't done it yet.



579

00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:35,434

Okay, so I go back and I tell

her not to do the experiment.



580

00:39:35,539 --> 00:39:38,099

Then I won't have to do it either

because she won't be here.



581

00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,609

- Then I won't have to

come back and save her, right?

- I-



582

00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:43,373

- But then, wait. Why am I still here?

- Uh-



583

00:39:43,481 --> 00:39:45,449

Goddamn, how does

this time travel work?



584

00:39:45,549 --> 00:39:49,417

- Please stand clear.

- Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!



585

00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:52,216

- Put your hands up!

- Don't move! Freeze!



586

00:40:02,366 --> 00:40:05,426

Look, if you guys are

taking me back to that jail...



587

00:40:05,536 --> 00:40:08,266

just go ahead and shoot me,

'cause there's no way-



588

00:40:08,372 --> 00:40:11,637

Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!



589

00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:16,236

- What?

- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.



590

00:40:16,347 --> 00:40:18,281

What?



591

00:40:18,382 --> 00:40:20,612

- Ow! God! Hey, stop!

- Damn it.



592

00:40:22,553 --> 00:40:26,250

- What is this?

- Okay, sir, this is the White House.



593

00:40:26,357 --> 00:40:28,655

- What are we doing at the White House?

- What?



594

00:40:28,759 --> 00:40:31,057

Ow! Ow! Goddamn!



595

00:40:31,162 --> 00:40:34,620

It turned out the results

of Joe's I.Q. test...



596

00:40:34,732 --> 00:40:38,828

had caught the attention

of the highest levels of government.



597

00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:43,100

Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy

in the world? Says who?



598

00:40:43,207 --> 00:40:45,300

The I.Q. test you

took in prison.



599

00:40:45,409 --> 00:40:48,173

You got the highest score in history.

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.



600

00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:51,180

Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter

than President Camacho.



601

00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:54,046

That's how come he's making

you secretary of interior.



602

00:40:54,151 --> 00:40:56,119

Okay, so who are you?



603

00:40:56,220 --> 00:40:57,949

I'm the secretary of energy.



604

00:40:58,055 --> 00:41:00,717

He won a contest.

Got to be a cabinet member.



605

00:41:00,825 --> 00:41:04,625

I'm the secretary of state.

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.



606

00:41:04,728 --> 00:41:07,993

- Why do you keep saying that?

- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.



607

00:41:08,098 --> 00:41:11,966

It's a really good way to make money.

You're so smart, why don't you know that?



608

00:41:13,737 --> 00:41:16,297

- He's the secretary of defense.

- Hi.



609

00:41:16,407 --> 00:41:19,376

And, uh, funbags over there

is the attorney general.



610

00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,809

Hi.



611

00:41:21,912 --> 00:41:24,073

And that's

the secretary of education.



612

00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:29,517

He's kinda stupid, but he's

President Camacho's stepbrother.



613

00:41:29,620 --> 00:41:31,850

Still, he does

a pretty good job, eh?



614

00:41:31,956 --> 00:41:35,517

You know, I think there's been

some kind of mistake...



615

00:41:35,626 --> 00:41:39,084

'cause the test I took

was real, real easy.



616

00:41:39,196 --> 00:41:43,189

I'm not the smartest guy

in the world. Okay?



617

00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:51,464

Okay, even if that were true,

I can't be the secretary of the interior.



618

00:41:51,575 --> 00:41:55,033

- I don't even know what it is.

- You better find out.



619

00:41:55,145 --> 00:41:58,012

- Sit down. It's President Camacho.

- Hey, hey, hey, yo...



620

00:41:58,115 --> 00:42:02,074

I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby,

so I need y'all to wait outside.



621

00:42:02,186 --> 00:42:07,123

Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,

five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...



622

00:42:07,224 --> 00:42:11,183

porn superstar, and president

of the United States...



623

00:42:11,295 --> 00:42:14,696

had called a special summit

with the smartest man in the world.



624

00:42:14,798 --> 00:42:17,426

- So you smart, huh?

- No, no.



625

00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:24,034

I thought your head would be bigger.



626

00:42:27,011 --> 00:42:29,138

Goddamn.



627

00:42:29,246 --> 00:42:31,612

It look like a peanut.



628

00:42:31,715 --> 00:42:33,649

Let's get you sworn in.



629

00:42:48,532 --> 00:42:51,899

Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!



630

00:42:55,506 --> 00:42:57,974

President Camacho!



631

00:42:59,009 --> 00:43:01,773

Shut up.



632

00:43:01,879 --> 00:43:05,940

Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.



633

00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:07,608

Chill out.



634

00:43:11,855 --> 00:43:13,288

Shit.



635

00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,756

I know shit's bad right now

with all that starvin' bullshit.



636

00:43:18,862 --> 00:43:20,598

And the dust storms. And we runnin'

out of French fries and burrito coverings.



637

00:43:20,633 --> 00:43:23,431

And the dust storms. And we runnin'

out of French fries and burrito coverings.



638

00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:25,161

Yeah!



639

00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:28,170

- But I got a solution.

- That's what you said last time, dipshit!



640

00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:30,172

I got a solution.

You're a dick!



641

00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,868

South Carolina, "whassup?"



642

00:43:40,317 --> 00:43:43,548

That's what I thought!



643

00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:49,622

Now, I understand everyone's

shit's emotional right now...



644

00:43:49,727 --> 00:43:52,252

but listen up.



645

00:43:52,363 --> 00:43:55,127

I got a three-point plan

to fix everything.



646

00:43:55,232 --> 00:43:56,722

Break it down, Camacho!



647

00:43:56,834 --> 00:44:02,033

Number one,

we got this guy, Not Sure.



648

00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:06,974

- Number two, he's got a higher

I.Q. than any man alive.



649

00:44:07,077 --> 00:44:11,377

And number three, he's gonna fix everything.



650

00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:14,713

I give you my word

as president.



651

00:44:14,818 --> 00:44:17,343

He'll fix the problems

with all the dead crops.



652

00:44:17,454 --> 00:44:19,854

He's gonna

make 'em grow again.



653

00:44:19,957 --> 00:44:24,917

- Crops?

- And that ain't all. I give you my word.



654

00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:30,057

He's gonna fix

the dust storms too.



655

00:44:31,802 --> 00:44:34,396

I give you my word.



656

00:44:34,505 --> 00:44:38,032

He's gonna

fix the "ecomony."



657

00:44:40,144 --> 00:44:42,908

And he's so smart...



658

00:44:43,013 --> 00:44:48,212

he's gonna do it all in one week.



659

00:44:48,318 --> 00:44:51,879

President Camacho stood before

the world and promised everyone...



660

00:44:51,989 --> 00:44:55,584

that Joe would solve

all their problems.



661

00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:59,857

He would not only end the dust bowl

and heal the economy...



662

00:44:59,963 --> 00:45:02,591

but he would cure acne

and carsickness as well.



663

00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:04,964

And if he didn't...



664

00:45:05,069 --> 00:45:07,560

President Camacho

made another promise.



665

00:45:07,671 --> 00:45:11,300

He would kick Joe's smart balls

all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.



666

00:45:11,408 --> 00:45:15,572

- And then, he would throw

his brainy ass back in jail.



667

00:45:19,983 --> 00:45:22,178

I should, uh, be honest

with you, Mr. President.



668

00:45:22,286 --> 00:45:24,413

I don't know how to be

secretary of anything.



669

00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:25,988

I mean, I've never

even voted, actually.



670

00:45:26,090 --> 00:45:28,888

I don't know what the secretary

of the interior even is.



671

00:45:28,992 --> 00:45:33,656

Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.

It beats jail, don't it?



672

00:45:33,764 --> 00:45:38,098

Besides,

you do a kick-ass job...



673

00:45:38,202 --> 00:45:40,432

you get a full

presidential pardon.



674

00:45:40,537 --> 00:45:42,437

- No jail time.

- Yeah?



675

00:45:42,539 --> 00:45:46,168

Fuck, yeah!

Now gimme a beer.



676

00:45:46,276 --> 00:45:48,335

And get you one too.



677

00:45:54,218 --> 00:45:56,243

Shit!



678

00:45:56,353 --> 00:45:58,821

Hold on, vato!



679

00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:00,651

Whoo!



680

00:46:21,245 --> 00:46:23,372

- Do somethin' smart.

- Yeah.



681

00:46:24,748 --> 00:46:28,377

Uh, okay.

Uh-



682

00:46:28,485 --> 00:46:31,545

I'll, uh-



683

00:46:31,655 --> 00:46:35,216

- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.

- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.



684

00:46:35,325 --> 00:46:40,319

Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,

confer with my counsel.



685

00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:42,295

You understand?

So I'll be right back.



686

00:46:42,399 --> 00:46:45,766

Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,

get that taken care of.



687

00:46:45,869 --> 00:46:50,533

- Hopefully get it worked out

by the time we get back here.

- Sounds pretty smart.



688

00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:52,609

Wait here, okay?

Wait there.



689

00:46:52,709 --> 00:46:55,542

Dude, this is trepidatious.

You got me a room at the White House.



690

00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:57,614

Everyone gets laid at the White House.

Everyone.



691

00:46:57,714 --> 00:46:59,341

- Yeah?

- Yeah.



692

00:46:59,449 --> 00:47:02,885

I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,

but I brought you here to help me.



693

00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:05,648

I don't know the first thing

about growin' crops...



694

00:47:05,756 --> 00:47:07,986

much less

the goddamn "ecomony."



695

00:47:08,091 --> 00:47:10,025

Econ-Economy.



696

00:47:10,127 --> 00:47:13,062

Let's see.

Growin' crops-



697

00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:16,826

No, I just need you to tell me

how to get to the time machine.



698

00:47:16,934 --> 00:47:21,098

Oh, that's easy.

You go down by the museum and stuff.



699

00:47:21,205 --> 00:47:23,230

It's, like-

It's, like, by the museum...



700

00:47:23,340 --> 00:47:25,934

sort of, but, well,

actually, not really.



701

00:47:26,043 --> 00:47:30,571

More like- But on the street. You go, um-

Wait. Let me start over.



702

00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:32,546

Okay, you know

where the time machine is?



703

00:47:32,649 --> 00:47:35,618

Hey. Just draw me

a map, okay?



704

00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:38,347

You still want the money?



705

00:47:38,455 --> 00:47:41,288

Oh. If I had some money

and a room at the White House...



706

00:47:41,391 --> 00:47:46,294

- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"

- Listen. Cut it out!



707

00:47:46,396 --> 00:47:49,194

Listen, I told these people

that you were smart, okay?



708

00:47:49,299 --> 00:47:51,529

- So act smart!

- Smart like you?



709

00:47:51,635 --> 00:47:55,127

"Oh, I gotta go

to the time machine. I wanna go home."



710

00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:58,037

- I don't talk like that.

- "I don't talk like that."



711

00:47:58,141 --> 00:48:00,075

Shit, I thought

there was two of you.



712

00:48:00,177 --> 00:48:01,974

See?



713

00:48:02,079 --> 00:48:04,639

Doesn't look that big, is it?



714

00:48:04,748 --> 00:48:07,876

Okay. Let's go take a look

at those crops.



715

00:48:07,985 --> 00:48:11,978

Especially the ones, uh, you know,

out around the museum area.



716

00:48:13,590 --> 00:48:16,286

All right?

Hey, come on!



717

00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:22,790

Now, you either lead, follow,

or get out of the way. All right?



718

00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:26,233

Whoa.

Did you just make that up?



719

00:48:26,336 --> 00:48:29,271

Yes, I did.

Now look...



720

00:48:29,373 --> 00:48:31,967

I also need help finding this girl named Rita,

like, immediately...



721

00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,475

- and Frito will give you a hand with it.

- Why?



722

00:48:36,213 --> 00:48:41,344

Well, because, uh, you know,

she'd be an essential... integral... asset...



723

00:48:41,451 --> 00:48:46,252

you know, for our team,

for us to, you know, utilize.



724

00:48:52,896 --> 00:48:55,797

Utilize her!

Utilize her!



725

00:48:55,899 --> 00:48:57,992

Utilize!



726

00:48:58,101 --> 00:49:01,161

Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?



727

00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,967

Oh, yeah.

Butt first!



728

00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:08,812

- Utilize her!

- Okay.



729

00:49:14,451 --> 00:49:17,818

Dang! May I approach

your benches?



730

00:49:23,427 --> 00:49:26,055

Uh, yeah.

This sucks pretty bad.



731

00:49:26,163 --> 00:49:28,996

Frito, why don't you come over here and,

uh, take a look at this?



732

00:49:29,099 --> 00:49:32,535

Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.

I wanna figure this out.



733

00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:36,436

See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.

Have you got the map?



734

00:49:36,540 --> 00:49:38,508

- Oh, yeah.

- Discreetly.



735

00:49:42,846 --> 00:49:45,610

- It's right there.

- I see it. I see it.



736

00:49:45,716 --> 00:49:48,276

Stand up with me.



737

00:49:48,385 --> 00:49:52,253

Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.

They found that whore you wanted.



738

00:49:52,356 --> 00:49:55,348

Hey, that may be how you refer

to women in the future, but come on.



739

00:49:55,459 --> 00:49:59,725

No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy

a lotta money and didn't put out.



740

00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:01,821

Don't worry though.

We'll get her out...



741

00:50:01,932 --> 00:50:05,231

on a work-release whorin' license

as long as you're doin' her.



742

00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:08,532

Get your hands off me. What do you think

I'm gonna do, run through the field?



743

00:50:08,638 --> 00:50:10,970

What the fuck

are you all starin' at?



744

00:50:11,074 --> 00:50:13,099

- Joe?

- That's Not Sure, ma'am.



745

00:50:13,210 --> 00:50:17,112

- Secretary Not Sure.

- Secretary? Secretary of what?



746

00:50:17,214 --> 00:50:21,810

Say, would you guys mind if we had

a little moment together? Alone?



747

00:50:21,918 --> 00:50:26,321

You know,

in the bushes?



748

00:50:28,058 --> 00:50:29,992

Oh, man.



749

00:50:38,568 --> 00:50:42,129

- Fuck her, Joe!

- Hey, you want us to come along,

make sure she puts out?



750

00:50:42,239 --> 00:50:44,264

No, thanks.

I can handle it. Yeah.



751

00:50:44,374 --> 00:50:47,605

I thought you was in jail.

How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?



752

00:50:47,711 --> 00:50:50,009

Just keep walking.

I'll explain everything.



753

00:50:58,789 --> 00:51:00,757

Okay.

Get ready to run.



754

00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:05,854

- What?

- Oh, goddamn it.



755

00:51:05,962 --> 00:51:08,760

Way to go, Frito. You know what?

Just make a run for it anyways.



756

00:51:08,865 --> 00:51:10,799

We'll ask for directions

on the way.



757

00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:14,064

No way. I spent the last two days

looking for it. It ain't easy to find.



758

00:51:14,171 --> 00:51:17,140

Damn it. I can't go back to jail,

and I sure can't solve these problems.



759

00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:20,368

All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd

before he finds me.



760

00:51:20,477 --> 00:51:23,844

Listen to me. Upgrayedd

cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!



761

00:51:23,947 --> 00:51:26,677

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...



762

00:51:26,783 --> 00:51:28,774

could somehow magically

travel through time...



763

00:51:28,885 --> 00:51:32,321

we got secret service guys with huge guns

protecting us, okay?



764

00:51:32,422 --> 00:51:34,322

So don't worry.

You're safe.



765

00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:37,587

And you know what? It's none of my business,

but when we get back...



766

00:51:37,694 --> 00:51:40,322

you and Upgrayedd should seriously think

about couples counseling, okay?



767

00:51:40,430 --> 00:51:44,867

And you should also think about maybe finding

an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.



768

00:51:44,968 --> 00:51:49,064

Hey!

She's not puttin' out?



769

00:51:49,172 --> 00:51:53,302

Uh, no, she is.

We, uh-We already did it.



770

00:51:53,410 --> 00:51:55,901

Yeah. He was great.



771

00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:01,778

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys

were wonderin', uh...



772

00:52:01,885 --> 00:52:03,853

if we'd go family-style

on her.



773

00:52:06,389 --> 00:52:09,847

Uh, yeah,

probably not right now.



774

00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:13,418

We should focus on the crops.

So let's get back to work. Maybe later.



775

00:52:20,537 --> 00:52:22,232

What the hell is this?



776

00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:29,010

- Tastes like Gatorade.

- Is that that Brawndo stuff?



777

00:52:29,112 --> 00:52:32,843

They're watering crops

with a sports drink?



778

00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:37,248

Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator

had come to replace water...



779

00:52:37,354 --> 00:52:39,515

virtually everywhere.



780

00:52:39,623 --> 00:52:41,818

Water, the basic component

of all life...



781

00:52:41,925 --> 00:52:44,917

had been deemed a threat

to Brawndo's profit margin.



782

00:52:45,028 --> 00:52:48,520

The solution came during

the budget crisis of 2330...



783

00:52:48,632 --> 00:52:53,467

when the Brawndo Corporation

simply bought the F.D.A...



784

00:52:53,570 --> 00:52:55,037

and the F.C.C...



785

00:52:55,138 --> 00:52:57,368

enabling them to say,

do and sell...



786

00:52:57,474 --> 00:52:59,374

anything they wanted.



787

00:53:04,414 --> 00:53:07,042

Joe didn't know

any of this...



788

00:53:07,150 --> 00:53:11,143

but he did see a problem

that he might actually be able to solve.



789

00:53:11,254 --> 00:53:15,816

- With his options running out,

Joe took a bold step.



790

00:53:15,926 --> 00:53:18,053

He would not

get out of the way.



791

00:53:18,161 --> 00:53:21,028

This time, he would lead.



792

00:53:21,131 --> 00:53:23,156

For the last time,

I'm pretty sure...



793

00:53:23,266 --> 00:53:26,235

what's killing the crops

is this Brawndo stuff.



794

00:53:26,336 --> 00:53:29,100

But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

It's got electrolytes.



795

00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,265

So wait a minute.

What you're saying...



796

00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:35,174

is that you want us

to put water on the crops.



797

00:53:35,278 --> 00:53:38,304

- Yes.

- Water. Like out the toilet?



798

00:53:38,415 --> 00:53:42,408

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be

out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.



799

00:53:42,519 --> 00:53:45,852

- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

- It's got electrolytes.



800

00:53:45,956 --> 00:53:47,924

Okay, look.



801

00:53:48,024 --> 00:53:51,516

The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure

that the Brawndo's not working.



802

00:53:51,628 --> 00:53:56,292

Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know

that if you put water on plants, they grow.



803

00:53:56,399 --> 00:54:00,096

Well, I've never seen no plants

grow out of no toilet.



804

00:54:00,203 --> 00:54:03,468

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't

the smartest guy in the world?



805

00:54:03,573 --> 00:54:07,532

- You wanna solve this problem.

I wanna get my pardon.



806

00:54:07,644 --> 00:54:11,603

So why don't we just try it, okay,

and not worry about what plants crave?



807

00:54:11,715 --> 00:54:14,183

Brawndo's got

what plants crave.



808

00:54:14,284 --> 00:54:16,809

- Goddamn it.

- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.



809

00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,354

What are electrolytes?

Do you even know?



810

00:54:19,456 --> 00:54:22,220

It's what they use

to make Brawndo.



811

00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:24,953

Yeah, but why do they

use them to make Brawndo?



812

00:54:25,061 --> 00:54:27,621

'Cause Brawndo's

got electrolytes.



813

00:54:30,634 --> 00:54:35,071

After several hours,

Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...



814

00:54:35,171 --> 00:54:38,231

and simply told the cabinet

that he could talk to plants...



815

00:54:38,341 --> 00:54:40,969

and that they wanted water.



816

00:54:42,078 --> 00:54:44,410

He made believers

out of everyone.



817

00:54:44,514 --> 00:54:48,075

Joe didn't know it,

but the beloved electrolytes...



818

00:54:48,184 --> 00:54:52,143

were salts that had been

building up in the topsoil over the decades...



819

00:54:52,255 --> 00:54:54,985

killing plants

and leading to the dust bowl.



820

00:54:55,091 --> 00:55:00,825

As secretary of the interior,

Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...



821

00:55:00,930 --> 00:55:06,061

promising that, over time, plants would grow

and the dust bowl would end.



822

00:55:06,169 --> 00:55:10,196

He was on the fast track

to a full presidential pardon.



823

00:55:10,307 --> 00:55:13,435

Or so it seemed.



824

00:55:14,544 --> 00:55:18,446

Man, I hope somethin'

grows fast.



825

00:55:18,548 --> 00:55:20,539

Yeah. So we can haul

our ass back home.



826

00:55:20,650 --> 00:55:24,245

Man. You really think those people

would have starved to death?



827

00:55:25,789 --> 00:55:30,419

I don't know. I mean, how did the world

ever get like this?



828

00:55:30,527 --> 00:55:34,395

You know things are bad

when they're comin' to me for answers.



829

00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:37,261

- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.

- Mm-hmm.



830

00:55:37,367 --> 00:55:39,597

- I'm not used to it.

- Yeah. Me neither.



831

00:55:42,339 --> 00:55:46,070

You think Einstein walked around thinkin'

everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?



832

00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:48,736

Yeah.

Hadn't thought of that.



833

00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:52,975

- Now you know why he built that bomb.

- Yeah.



834

00:55:55,385 --> 00:55:57,580

Hey, Joe, listen.

Those cops-



835

00:55:57,687 --> 00:55:59,951

- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.

- No. No.



836

00:56:00,056 --> 00:56:03,082

They said that

you got me a pardon.



837

00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:06,219

You know, if you hadn't done that,

I'd still be in jail right now, so...



838

00:56:07,530 --> 00:56:10,158

I guess I owe you one.



839

00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:15,930

You know, you don't have to sleep

on the floor if you don't want to.



840

00:56:17,340 --> 00:56:21,504

Oh. No. I'm-

I'm all right. Yeah.



841

00:56:21,611 --> 00:56:25,672

Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd

would be too happy about that.



842

00:56:25,782 --> 00:56:27,443

You in bed with a stranger.



843

00:56:29,185 --> 00:56:31,449

Yeah.



844

00:56:34,357 --> 00:56:36,188

I know. I know.



845

00:56:38,294 --> 00:56:43,288

Yeah. Oh, boy.



846

00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:53,801

Oh, shit.

It's Upgrayedd.



847

00:56:53,910 --> 00:56:56,344

Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.



848

00:56:56,446 --> 00:56:58,744

Given enough time,

Joe's plan might have worked.



849

00:56:58,848 --> 00:57:01,180

But when the Brawndo stock

suddenly dropped to zero...



850

00:57:01,284 --> 00:57:03,718

leaving half the population

unemployed...



851

00:57:03,820 --> 00:57:07,517

dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,

rioting and looting...



852

00:57:07,624 --> 00:57:09,558

and screaming

for Joe's head.



853

00:57:09,659 --> 00:57:12,355

An emergency cabinet meeting

was called...



854

00:57:12,462 --> 00:57:14,794

with the C.E.O.

of the Brawndo Corporation.



855

00:57:14,898 --> 00:57:17,366

How come nobody's buying

Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?



856

00:57:17,467 --> 00:57:19,833

Aw, shit. Half the country

works for Brawndo.



857

00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,700

Not anymore!

The stock has dropped to zero...



858

00:57:22,806 --> 00:57:24,967

and the computer did

that auto-layoff thing to everybody.



859

00:57:25,074 --> 00:57:27,634

- We're all unemployed!

- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?



860

00:57:27,744 --> 00:57:31,805

- Why is this happening?

- I think it's because we switched to water, but-



861

00:57:31,915 --> 00:57:34,406

- You mean this is all your fault?

- What?



862

00:57:34,517 --> 00:57:38,351

Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started

happening when we switched to water!



863

00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:42,357

Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you

by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.



864

00:57:45,094 --> 00:57:46,891

Fox News.



865

00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:53,193

He tried taking water

from toilets...



866

00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:57,239

but it's Secretary Not Sure

who finds himself in the toilet now.



867

00:57:57,340 --> 00:57:59,240

And as history

pulls down its pants...



868

00:57:59,342 --> 00:58:02,607

and prepares to lower its ass

on Not Sure's head...



869

00:58:02,712 --> 00:58:06,705

it will be Daddy Justice

who will be crapping on him this time.



870

00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:11,014

We now go live to Violence Channel

correspondent Formica Davis...



871

00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:14,988

at the Extreme Court

with highlights on today's trial.



872

00:58:17,494 --> 00:58:21,692

Thank you, Velveeta.

Well, it started off boring and slow...



873

00:58:21,798 --> 00:58:25,359

with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone

with a bunch of smart talk.



874

00:58:25,468 --> 00:58:29,564

Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!



875

00:58:29,672 --> 00:58:31,663

That part of the trial sucked.



876

00:58:31,774 --> 00:58:34,436

But then, the chief "J"

just went off.



877

00:58:34,544 --> 00:58:36,569

He said, "Man, whatever.



878

00:58:36,679 --> 00:58:39,273

The guy's guilty as shit.

We all know that."



879

00:58:39,382 --> 00:58:43,148

And he sentenced his ass

to one night of Rehabilitation.



880

00:58:43,253 --> 00:58:45,813

Hey, rehabilitation?

One night?



881

00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:47,822

Doesn't sound so bad.



882

00:58:47,924 --> 00:58:49,789

Not so bad, huh?



883

00:58:49,893 --> 00:58:53,158

Here's some highlights

from last week's Rehabilitation.



884

00:59:04,140 --> 00:59:07,234

And who could forget that wonderful finish...



885

00:59:07,343 --> 00:59:09,834

by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?



886

00:59:09,946 --> 00:59:13,643

And tomorrow night looks even more better.



887

00:59:13,750 --> 00:59:18,153

Word is that Beef Supreme himself

might come out of retirement.



888

00:59:18,254 --> 00:59:20,950

Wow. Thank you, Formica.



889

00:59:22,425 --> 00:59:25,417

So you think you can escape again

like you did last time?



890

00:59:25,528 --> 00:59:28,326

- No. They pretty much fixed that.

- How?



891

00:59:28,431 --> 00:59:30,695

They chained me

to a big rock.



892

00:59:32,101 --> 00:59:34,001

- Oh.

- Yeah.



893

00:59:34,103 --> 00:59:36,298

Look, Rita, get Frito.



894

00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,534

Get him to take you back to the time machine

without me. Don't wait.



895

00:59:39,642 --> 00:59:43,669

No. You could have split on me before,

but you didn't.



896

00:59:43,780 --> 00:59:47,181

Look, you wanna pay me back?

Just go back, okay?



897

00:59:47,283 --> 00:59:49,843

Tell people to read books.



898

00:59:49,953 --> 00:59:52,046

Tell people to stay in school,

you know.



899

00:59:52,155 --> 00:59:55,682

Tell people to just

use their brains or something.



900

00:59:55,792 --> 00:59:58,989

I think maybe the world got like this

because of people like me.



901

00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:03,691

I never did anything with my life.

At least you were an artist, you know?



902

01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:06,360

- So just go back and-

- Visit's over!



903

01:00:09,339 --> 01:00:12,797

And Rita, whatever you do,

keep painting, okay?



904

01:00:14,344 --> 01:00:16,312

Good luck, Joe.



905

01:00:23,519 --> 01:00:26,386

Okay, that's five down and one more to go.



906

01:00:26,489 --> 01:00:30,186

Are you ready for a monster-truck duel

to the death?



907

01:00:30,293 --> 01:00:33,820

Yeah! Let's give it up

for the Guitar Army.



908

01:00:35,932 --> 01:00:37,900

Okay, we're gonna do this shit.



909

01:00:38,001 --> 01:00:41,164

But first, to lead us

in our Natural Anthem...



910

01:00:41,270 --> 01:00:46,037

the star of Ow! My Balls!

Hormel Chavez!



911

01:00:46,142 --> 01:00:49,077

Thank you. Thank you.



912

01:00:49,178 --> 01:00:54,172

Hey! Come here!



913

01:00:54,283 --> 01:00:57,844

Come here!



914

01:00:57,954 --> 01:00:59,854

Right in the balls!



915

01:00:59,956 --> 01:01:04,757

That's just how that shit went on TV!



916

01:01:04,861 --> 01:01:09,093

This execution is brought to you

by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.



917

01:01:09,198 --> 01:01:11,098

After you've killed someone...



918

01:01:11,200 --> 01:01:13,134

- your body needs electrolytes.

- Yeah.



919

01:01:13,236 --> 01:01:16,535

So, my car's out front...



920

01:01:16,639 --> 01:01:18,903

whenever you want me

to take you...



921

01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:21,238

to the time machine.



922

01:01:21,344 --> 01:01:23,278

Thanks, Frito.



923

01:01:23,379 --> 01:01:25,472

- Yeah.

- I can't hear you!



924

01:01:25,581 --> 01:01:28,778

That's a real bummer

about Joe, huh?



925

01:01:28,885 --> 01:01:31,479

- I can't hear you!

- Yeah.



926

01:01:31,587 --> 01:01:37,048

Oh! Can you turn this up?

I love Rehabilitation.



927

01:01:48,571 --> 01:01:53,031

Okay. Let's meet

our rehabilitation officers for tonight.



928

01:01:53,142 --> 01:01:56,441

With a combined record

of 62 kills...



929

01:01:56,546 --> 01:02:01,381

please welcome Vinny Mawumba

in the Dildozer!



930

01:02:07,190 --> 01:02:12,958

And his brother Bobby Mawumba

in the Ass Blaster!



931

01:02:13,062 --> 01:02:15,030

I get a truck too, right?



932

01:02:15,131 --> 01:02:17,861

Yeah.

Here it comes.



933

01:02:27,510 --> 01:02:29,478

Get in.



934

01:02:33,983 --> 01:02:36,349

You still got

the chain attached.



935

01:02:38,554 --> 01:02:41,114

- Door won't shut.

- What about the chain?



936

01:02:41,224 --> 01:02:43,192

- We could break it.

- No. He could escape.



937

01:02:43,292 --> 01:02:46,853

- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.

- Yeah. That'll work.



938

01:02:50,433 --> 01:02:53,994

- Who's smart now?

- Let's bring out our criminal.



939

01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:57,231

He tried to ruin the country

by pouring toilet water on crops.



940

01:02:57,340 --> 01:02:59,740

He cost millions of people

their jobs.



941

01:02:59,842 --> 01:03:03,175

Let's get ready

to rehabilitate Not Sure!



942

01:03:15,191 --> 01:03:17,557

Never would have guessed

this is how I was gonna die.



943

01:03:17,660 --> 01:03:20,561

Are you ready for some car-on-car action?



944

01:03:20,663 --> 01:03:22,631

Yes.



945

01:03:23,733 --> 01:03:26,566

- I can't watch this.

- This is-



946

01:03:26,669 --> 01:03:31,163

This is gonna be so sad.

I hope I don't cry.



947

01:03:32,975 --> 01:03:36,877

Holy shit!

Frito, come here! Look!



948

01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:39,447

He was right.

The water- it worked.



949

01:03:39,549 --> 01:03:42,177

Frito, can you

get me over there?



950

01:03:43,152 --> 01:03:45,052

Yes.



951

01:03:45,154 --> 01:03:48,146

No, you fuckin' moron.

To the Rehabilitation place.



952

01:03:48,257 --> 01:03:50,282

- Uh, this way.

- Yeah!



953

01:03:54,864 --> 01:03:56,764

Come on, Frito.

Hurry!



954

01:03:56,866 --> 01:03:59,892

And now the dude that

everybody came here to see...



955

01:04:00,002 --> 01:04:03,597

- Yeah!

- the only undefeated officer ever in history...



956

01:04:03,706 --> 01:04:07,233

coming out of retirement

just to pound Not Sure's ass...



957

01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:12,303

driving the biggest, hugest correctional

vehicle ever built in history-



958

01:04:12,415 --> 01:04:16,283

bigger than the Dildozer,

bigger than the Ass Blaster...



959

01:04:16,385 --> 01:04:20,412

bigger and huger than everything

ever before in history-



960

01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,458

the brand-new Assdozer!



961

01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:26,255

Give it up for Beef Supreme!



962

01:04:29,832 --> 01:04:31,732

Oh!



963

01:04:37,740 --> 01:04:39,674

Oh!



964

01:04:54,056 --> 01:04:57,321

Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?



965

01:04:57,426 --> 01:04:59,917

We seem to be

"experimenting"...



966

01:05:00,029 --> 01:05:03,328

some "techmological"

differences...



967

01:05:03,432 --> 01:05:05,332

so, uh, shit.



968

01:05:05,434 --> 01:05:08,801

Frito, look!



969

01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,100

- It's working everywhere!

- Huh.



970

01:05:11,207 --> 01:05:15,268

Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.



971

01:05:15,378 --> 01:05:18,506

- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-

- Man.



972

01:05:18,614 --> 01:05:20,639

- Hey!

- Oh, oh, okay.



973

01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:22,945

- Get this shit started!

- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.



974

01:05:23,052 --> 01:05:26,783

Let the rehabilitation begin!



975

01:05:36,332 --> 01:05:38,892

Oh, shit.



976

01:05:39,001 --> 01:05:41,902

Come on. Come on.



977

01:05:42,004 --> 01:05:44,472

Come on, Frito. Hurry!



978

01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:49,805

Oh!



979

01:05:54,517 --> 01:05:56,041

Goddamn it.



980

01:05:58,454 --> 01:06:02,322

- Yeah!

- Jesus, that was close.



981

01:06:04,827 --> 01:06:07,728

Mr. President! Mr. President,

I need to talk to you.



982

01:06:07,830 --> 01:06:10,025

You gotta stop this thing.

He was right about the water.



983

01:06:10,132 --> 01:06:13,033

We passed some crops

on the way here. They're growing.



984

01:06:13,135 --> 01:06:15,035

I didn't see no crops.



985

01:06:16,172 --> 01:06:17,867

They're circling around.



986

01:06:17,974 --> 01:06:20,499

They're gonna do

the Malachi Crunch on him!



987

01:06:23,145 --> 01:06:26,546

- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.

- Oh!



988

01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:50,362

So, uh-So the winner is, uh-



989

01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:55,371

- You gotta be shittin' me.

- Did he win?



990

01:06:58,247 --> 01:07:00,442

Uh-oh. Look.



991

01:07:02,318 --> 01:07:06,049

Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!



992

01:07:13,396 --> 01:07:15,159

Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!



993

01:07:15,264 --> 01:07:19,530

Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember

those crops we saw off the road...



994

01:07:19,635 --> 01:07:22,263

- right by the Starbucks?

- Uh-huh.



995

01:07:22,371 --> 01:07:26,467

- Hey. Wanna make some money?

- I like money.



996

01:07:40,689 --> 01:07:44,989

Hey, um, the, uh- the main

screen is malfunctioning...



997

01:07:45,094 --> 01:07:47,619

and they gonna need you

outside immediately.



998

01:07:50,833 --> 01:07:53,859

There's a bunch of whores

in the hallway.



999

01:07:57,039 --> 01:07:59,530

Come on, Frito.

Hurry.



1000

01:08:00,609 --> 01:08:02,702

Can't believe

you like money too.



1001

01:08:02,812 --> 01:08:05,303

- We should hang out.

- Totally.



1002

01:08:30,639 --> 01:08:32,664

He's behind the truck!



1003

01:08:34,777 --> 01:08:37,541

Yes! Yes!



1004

01:08:38,914 --> 01:08:40,973

- He's behind the fucking truck!

- He's over there!



1005

01:08:41,083 --> 01:08:43,142

Behind the truck, stupid!



1006

01:08:53,462 --> 01:08:55,054

Look!



1007

01:08:57,266 --> 01:09:00,827

Shit.

That's a good deal.



1008

01:09:00,936 --> 01:09:05,430

- Extra foam.

- I got a bunch of money too.



1009

01:09:05,541 --> 01:09:08,169

- Forgot what it was for.

- Huh.



1010

01:09:09,445 --> 01:09:13,245

- You think it was for lattes?

- Yeah. Probably.



1011

01:09:13,349 --> 01:09:17,615

- You like money and sex?

You're trippin' me out.

- What the fuck?



1012

01:09:19,855 --> 01:09:22,085

- Yeah!

- Yeah!



1013

01:09:31,734 --> 01:09:35,602

- Just hold on, okay?

Everyone just take it easy, okay?



1014

01:09:35,704 --> 01:09:37,604

Can I just

say something here?



1015

01:09:40,009 --> 01:09:42,944

I don't even know

what I'm guilty of here.



1016

01:09:43,045 --> 01:09:46,947

I never said that I was the smartest person

on earth. You people did.



1017

01:09:47,049 --> 01:09:50,712

I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs

and all your money...



1018

01:09:50,819 --> 01:09:52,946

and I'm very sorry

that that happened.



1019

01:09:53,055 --> 01:09:55,080

But I'm tellin' you...



1020

01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:57,557

if you put water on the crops,

it might actually-



1021

01:09:57,660 --> 01:10:00,652

No, it will work.

I promise you!



1022

01:10:00,763 --> 01:10:05,166

You just have to believe me.

I just wanted to help you. That's all.



1023

01:10:05,267 --> 01:10:10,102

So you can try and shoot me.

You can try and run me over, whatever.



1024

01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:13,664

But I just want you to ask yourselves

one question first.



1025

01:10:14,877 --> 01:10:17,402

Do you really want to live

in a world...



1026

01:10:17,513 --> 01:10:21,005

where you try to blow up the one person

that's tryin' to help you?



1027

01:10:31,860 --> 01:10:34,090

Hold on. Just hold on.



1028

01:10:55,484 --> 01:10:57,679

Oh, man.

That was great.



1029

01:10:57,786 --> 01:11:01,449

Hey, was I wearing pants

when we went in there?



1030

01:11:01,557 --> 01:11:04,958

Shit. What do I look like,

a pants goblin?



1031

01:11:05,060 --> 01:11:08,393

Wait.

This reminds me of something.



1032

01:11:08,497 --> 01:11:11,364

Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate-



1033

01:11:11,467 --> 01:11:14,664

- Rehabilation."

- Why do you keep trying to read that word?



1034

01:11:14,770 --> 01:11:18,297

- You a fag?

- I'll fag your face!



1035

01:11:26,949 --> 01:11:29,975

- Come on, Frito.

- Yeah. I don't think so.



1036

01:11:31,353 --> 01:11:33,821

Oh, yeah.



1037

01:12:15,331 --> 01:12:19,791

This guy just got

his ass a pardon!



1038

01:12:27,810 --> 01:12:29,573

Yeah!



1039

01:12:43,859 --> 01:12:47,295

Man, Rita. I mean,

I don't know what to say.



1040

01:12:47,396 --> 01:12:50,661

You saved my life.

No one's ever done anything like that for me.



1041

01:12:50,766 --> 01:12:52,666

Yeah, well...



1042

01:12:52,768 --> 01:12:55,794

you were looking out for the whole world so,

you know...



1043

01:12:55,904 --> 01:12:59,601

- I thought someone should look out for you too.

- Thanks.



1044

01:13:01,210 --> 01:13:03,576

I can't believe I'm even

saying this, but...



1045

01:13:03,679 --> 01:13:05,670

even though these people

tried to kill me...



1046

01:13:05,781 --> 01:13:09,239

- you know, I think I'm actually gonna

kinda miss 'em.

- Yeah.



1047

01:13:09,351 --> 01:13:12,184

Frito- he's gonna give us

a ride back to the time machine.



1048

01:13:12,287 --> 01:13:15,518

I just, uh-

I hope he's okay to drive.



1049

01:13:16,959 --> 01:13:20,087

It's you. Oh, man,

I really love your show.



1050

01:13:20,195 --> 01:13:22,493

Thank you so much.



1051

01:13:22,598 --> 01:13:27,763

- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.

- What?



1052

01:13:29,571 --> 01:13:33,439

I had some pretty bad habits back there

that I don't want to fall into again.



1053

01:13:33,542 --> 01:13:35,510

Maybe it's time

I got a new start.



1054

01:13:35,611 --> 01:13:39,741

Besides, they offered me

a pretty good job at Starbucks here.



1055

01:13:39,848 --> 01:13:42,510

- I'm gonna be a C.E.O.

- At Starbucks?



1056

01:13:42,618 --> 01:13:45,451

- Yeah.

- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?



1057

01:13:47,122 --> 01:13:50,523

Yeah. Sure.



1058

01:13:50,626 --> 01:13:52,457

I guess this is

good-bye then.



1059

01:13:54,329 --> 01:13:56,559

Hey, hey, hey, hey!



1060

01:13:56,665 --> 01:13:59,134

I got a couple

presidential decrees to make!



1061

01:13:59,169 --> 01:14:00,829

I got a couple

presidential decrees to make!



1062

01:14:00,936 --> 01:14:05,168

Not Sure, get your ass up here,

wherever you is.



1063

01:14:07,776 --> 01:14:10,006

Let me get that little

peanut head up here.



1064

01:14:10,112 --> 01:14:12,876

Yo. Yo.



1065

01:14:12,981 --> 01:14:14,915

I have decided...



1066

01:14:15,017 --> 01:14:17,542

to make this man-



1067

01:14:17,653 --> 01:14:20,588

the man who solved

all our problems-



1068

01:14:21,924 --> 01:14:24,586

I have decided to make him...



1069

01:14:24,693 --> 01:14:26,991

my new vice president.



1070

01:14:29,531 --> 01:14:32,762

Mr. President, thanks.

That's real cool of you, sir...



1071

01:14:32,868 --> 01:14:36,736

- but I can't accept it, sir.

- What? Why?



1072

01:14:36,839 --> 01:14:41,572

- You know, I gotta get home.

- But we still got all these problems.



1073

01:14:41,677 --> 01:14:44,669

Look, you know, you're just gonna

have to solve 'em yourselves.



1074

01:14:44,780 --> 01:14:47,248

- How?

- Think about it, you know?



1075

01:14:47,349 --> 01:14:50,409

You're just gonna have to figure it out

like we did with the crops.



1076

01:14:50,519 --> 01:14:55,047

But how are we gonna figure out about

the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?



1077

01:14:55,157 --> 01:15:00,993

And what about the nuc-

"nucular" reactor in Florida?



1078

01:15:01,096 --> 01:15:03,564

It's broke and leaky

and something's happening.



1079

01:15:03,665 --> 01:15:09,035

- I thought it was in Georgia.

- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.



1080

01:15:09,137 --> 01:15:12,197

Hey. Hey, I know.

Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?



1081

01:15:12,307 --> 01:15:15,367

- Yeah!

- Good, good. That's a good idea.



1082

01:15:15,477 --> 01:15:18,173

- Like we did on the crops.

- Come on, vato.



1083

01:15:18,280 --> 01:15:20,578

Hey, you can't leave.



1084

01:15:20,682 --> 01:15:26,621

Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,

or get outta the way" shit, huh?



1085

01:15:37,399 --> 01:15:41,802

I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,

can I? You know what?



1086

01:15:41,904 --> 01:15:44,805

- Forget about the time machine.

- Yeah!



1087

01:15:48,844 --> 01:15:52,245

That ride sucks anyways.



1088

01:15:52,347 --> 01:15:54,474

Ride?



1089

01:15:57,953 --> 01:16:00,421

Welcome to the Time Masheen.



1090

01:16:00,522 --> 01:16:05,016

We are going to take you back,

first to the year 1939...



1091

01:16:05,127 --> 01:16:07,618

when Charlie Chaplin

and his evil Nazi regime...



1092

01:16:07,729 --> 01:16:10,789

enslaved Europe and tried

to take over the world.



1093

01:16:10,899 --> 01:16:13,493

So you knew this thing

was just a ride the whole time?



1094

01:16:13,602 --> 01:16:17,094

Yeah. You thought you could really

travel through time, huh?



1095

01:16:17,205 --> 01:16:19,571

- Yeah, I guess I did.

- Yeah.



1096

01:16:19,675 --> 01:16:22,610

For the smartest guy in the world,

you're pretty dumb sometimes.



1097

01:16:22,711 --> 01:16:27,614

- So why didn't you tell us?

- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.



1098

01:16:27,716 --> 01:16:31,516

But if it's not a real time machine,

there wouldn't have been any money.



1099

01:16:31,620 --> 01:16:35,112

You know, 'cause I can't go back in time

and open a savings account.



1100

01:16:35,223 --> 01:16:38,158

Uh, uh, uh-



1101

01:16:38,260 --> 01:16:41,024

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

It's okay.



1102

01:16:42,564 --> 01:16:44,498

Well,

I guess we're stuck here.



1103

01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:49,697

But then an even

greater force emerged- the "UN."



1104

01:16:49,805 --> 01:16:53,842

And the "UN"

un-nazied the world forever.



1105

01:16:53,877 --> 01:16:54,103

And the "UN"

un-nazied the world forever.



1106

01:16:54,276 --> 01:16:57,768

And so, after serving a short

term as vice president...



1107

01:16:57,879 --> 01:17:01,178

Joe was elected

the president of America.



1108

01:17:01,283 --> 01:17:03,444

Frito became vice president...



1109

01:17:03,552 --> 01:17:06,715

and Rita, the former prostitute,

became first lady.



1110

01:17:06,822 --> 01:17:10,314

Today I step into the shoes

of a great man...



1111

01:17:10,425 --> 01:17:14,555

a man by the name

of Dwayne Elizondo...



1112

01:17:14,663 --> 01:17:18,656

Mountain Dew

Herbert Camacho.



1113

01:17:18,767 --> 01:17:22,897

Under President Not Sure's

leadership, a new era dawned.



1114

01:17:23,005 --> 01:17:26,839

You know, there was a time

in this country...



1115

01:17:26,942 --> 01:17:31,208

when smart people

were considered cool.



1116

01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:34,248

Well, maybe not cool,

but smart people did things...



1117

01:17:34,349 --> 01:17:38,410

like build ships and pyramids,

and they even went to the moon.



1118

01:17:38,520 --> 01:17:40,044

Yeah!



1119

01:17:42,190 --> 01:17:46,388

And there was a time

in this country, a long time ago...



1120

01:17:46,495 --> 01:17:48,895

when reading wasn't

just for fags...



1121

01:17:48,997 --> 01:17:51,261

and neither was writing.



1122

01:17:51,366 --> 01:17:55,462

People wrote books and movies,

movies that had stories...



1123

01:17:55,570 --> 01:17:59,870

so you cared whose ass it was

and why it was farting.



1124

01:17:59,975 --> 01:18:03,433

And I believe that time

can come again!



1125

01:18:15,357 --> 01:18:18,952

Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!



1126

01:18:22,798 --> 01:18:24,766

Joe and Rita had three children...



1127

01:18:24,866 --> 01:18:27,664

the three smartest kids

in the world.



1128

01:18:28,804 --> 01:18:31,295

Vice President Frito

took eight wives...



1129

01:18:31,406 --> 01:18:33,840

and had a total of 32 kids-



1130

01:18:33,942 --> 01:18:37,173

thirty-two of the dumbest kids

ever to walk the earth.



1131

01:18:42,417 --> 01:18:45,580

Okay, so maybe Joe

didn't save mankind...



1132

01:18:45,687 --> 01:18:48,121

but he got the ball rolling...



1133

01:18:48,223 --> 01:18:52,023

and that's pretty good

for an average guy.



1134

01:23:51,926 --> 01:23:54,622

I'm gonna go find this ho.