Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Sci-Fi
IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/
Filename: Idiocracy[2006]DvDrip.AC3[Eng]-aXXo.avi
Video
Video Size: 564 x 300
Frame Rate: 23.976 fps
Number of frames: 121123 frames
Codec FourCC: DX50
Duration: 01:24:11.843
Aspect Ratio: 1:1 (1:1)
Audio
Codec: AC3
Mode: STEREO
BitRate: 24000 Bps / 192 kbps
Frequency: 48000 Hz
Duration: 01:24:11.843 (115 MBytes)
SubTitles: Idiocracy[2006]DvDrip.AC3[Eng]-aXXo.srt
1
00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:44,470
As the 21st century began...
2
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:48,104
human evolution was
at a turning point.
3
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:53,151
Natural selection, the process by which
the strongest, the smartest...
4
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,814
the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...
5
00:00:56,923 --> 00:01:00,757
a process which had once
favored the noblest traits of man...
6
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,260
now began to favor
different traits.
7
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,263
The Joey Buttafuoco case-
8
00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:09,165
Most science fiction of the day
predicted a future that was more civilized...
9
00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:11,362
and more intelligent.
10
00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:15,498
But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction.
11
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:17,576
A dumbing down.
12
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:19,702
How did this happen?
13
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:23,078
Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.
14
00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:25,708
With no natural predators
to thin the herd...
15
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:29,118
it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...
16
00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:33,352
and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.
17
00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:38,987
Having kids is such
an important decision.
18
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,532
We're just waiting
for the right time.
19
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,965
It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.
20
00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:44,969
No way.
21
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:47,471
Oh, shit,
I'm pregnant again!
22
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,668
Shit!
I got too many damn kids!
23
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,008
- I thought you was on the pill or some shit!
- Hell, no!
24
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,082
Shit! I must've been
thinkin' of Brittany.
25
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:58,309
Brittany?
No, you didn't!
26
00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:01,478
- There's no way we could have a child now.
- Mm-mm.
27
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,556
Not with the market
the way it is, no.
28
00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:05,988
God, no. That just
wouldn't make any sense.
29
00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:09,027
Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!
30
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,791
Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.
31
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:15,163
- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!
32
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:18,328
Oh, shit.
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
33
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:21,737
Well, we finally decided
to have children...
34
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:25,868
and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.
35
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,879
And this is helping.
36
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:31,075
I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,
maybe you should be willing to-
37
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:33,084
It's always me, right?
38
00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:36,553
Well, it's not
my sperm count.
39
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:39,216
Yeah! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
40
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,088
That's my boy!
41
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:43,492
Whoo! Whoo!
42
00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:47,298
Clevon is lucky
to be alive.
43
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,732
He attempted to jump
a Jet Ski from a lake...
44
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:53,067
into a swimming pool
and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
45
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,232
But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...
46
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:58,310
and the fine work of Doctors Krinski
and Altschuler...
47
00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,606
Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.
48
00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:02,613
Get your hands
off my junk!
49
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,947
Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...
50
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:12,149
while masturbating...
51
00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:15,352
to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.
52
00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,361
But I have
some eggs frozen...
53
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:21,160
so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know-
54
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,896
And so it went for generations...
55
00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:30,805
although few, if any,
seemed to notice.
56
00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:36,678
But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D.C...
57
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:40,719
a simple army librarian
was unknowingly...
58
00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:44,722
about to change the entire course
of human history.
59
00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:46,587
Come on, asshole!
Go on! Take him to jail!
60
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,490
Hey, Bauers.
61
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:55,090
This is Peterson,
your new replacement.
62
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:59,069
- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?
63
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,265
- No.
- Some new assignment.
64
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,672
They're being all weird
and hush-hush about it.
65
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,609
I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
66
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:10,479
- I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
67
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,177
No one ever comes in here.
68
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:16,517
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
69
00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:19,683
If I can just stay in here another eight years,
I get my pension.
70
00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:22,920
I'm all set. Can you just
get me out of this?
71
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,759
No way. Not this time.
It's coming from high up.
72
00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:30,234
Jesus. I don't understand.
Why me?
73
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,965
Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
74
00:04:34,073 --> 00:04:37,702
When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way."
75
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:41,871
It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading or at least following.
76
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,846
That doesn't
embarrass me.
77
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,850
Look, Joe.
You don't have a choice.
78
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,783
You're just gonna
have to follow.
79
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,355
Like, follow me upstairs,
like, now.
80
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:54,222
Right now?
Shouldn't I train this guy?
81
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:58,525
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day. Let's go.
82
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,665
Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...
83
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,903
our first subject for the Human
Hibernation Experiment.
84
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,945
Now, as you know,
throughout the years...
85
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,515
many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...
86
00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:18,811
often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.
87
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:23,651
With the Human Hibernation Project,
we will be able to save our best men...
88
00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:26,691
frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.
89
00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:30,524
Joe, here, is not
one of our best men.
90
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:35,260
Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.
91
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:40,032
Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.
92
00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:42,903
The most average person
in our entire armed forces.
93
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,534
Additionally, he has no family,
is unmarried...
94
00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:47,943
is an only child,
and both parents are deceased...
95
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:51,710
making him an ideal candidate,
with no one to ask any nosy questions...
96
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,877
should something go wrong
with the experiment.
97
00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:58,548
We had a little less luck in finding a female
researcher's dream within our ranks...
98
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:02,719
and were forced to look
into the private sector.
99
00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:06,287
This is Rita. Like Joe,
she has no immediate family.
100
00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:09,129
Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...
101
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:13,296
in exchange for dropping
of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
102
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:17,103
We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...
103
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:21,237
a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-
104
00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:27,013
With two D's, as he says,
for a double dose of this pimping.
105
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,350
Upgrayedd agreed
to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
106
00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:32,788
and keep quiet on the matter,
in exchange for certain leeways...
107
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:36,123
with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.
108
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,393
First, however, there was
the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
109
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:44,329
Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?
110
00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:46,735
Sure.
Let me just finish here.
111
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:51,139
You see, a pimp's love is very different
from that of a square.
112
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,269
Collins!
113
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,048
Fine. We'll move on.
114
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,948
It is a fascinating
world though.
115
00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:14,956
Jesus, Collins.
116
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,361
Yeah, that's-
117
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,436
Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...
118
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:25,534
are to be placed
into a dry freeze...
119
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,977
for exactly one year
is set to begin tomorrow.
120
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,275
As you know,
this is highly classified.
121
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:35,514
However, if successful, we believe humans
can be stored indefinitely.
122
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,753
So this is kinda crazy, huh?
123
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:49,392
- What unit are you with?
- Oh, I ain't in the service.
124
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:52,369
Oh, private sector.
Okay.
125
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:56,966
- So, uh, what do you do?
- A little of this, a little of that.
126
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:59,271
Wow, that's great.
127
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,211
You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way-
128
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,340
doing a little of this
and a little of that.
129
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:09,251
I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.
He used to make chainsaw sculptures...
130
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:11,255
and then he'd sell 'em
at the flea market.
131
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:13,257
Yeah.
132
00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:18,129
So, uh, you an artist
or somethin'?
133
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:22,333
- Uh, yeah.
- You do paintings or-
134
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,903
- Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.
135
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,168
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?
136
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:35,338
I don't know, just...
people and fruit and shit.
137
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:40,613
Wow. Well, must be great to be able
to make a living doing something you love.
138
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,348
Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
139
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,117
Who wants to go first?
140
00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:47,715
Me.
141
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:55,765
What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.
142
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:59,565
Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that
with the I.V.s attached and all.
143
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:02,766
- What's the matter?
- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me
they'd be putting me...
144
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,968
in no damn coffin
with tubes and shit!
145
00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:08,069
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.
146
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,738
Who's Upgrayedd?
147
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,817
He's my boyfriend.
148
00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:15,120
Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?
149
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,121
These guys know what they're doing.
Don't worry.
150
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,987
They've tested it on dogs
and everything.
151
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:22,959
What happens is, the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...
152
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,053
we wake up in a year,
you'll be paintin' again.
153
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,155
- It'll be fine.
- All right.
154
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:31,168
Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?
155
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,838
See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.
156
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,466
His name was Untgrad.
157
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,602
Okay, my niggas,
we're almost set here.
158
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:42,510
Just go ahead
and lie down. Relax.
159
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,588
See you in a year.
160
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:56,355
The Human Hibernation Project...
161
00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:59,488
was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...
162
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,432
and one of its most secretive.
163
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,969
But it was not immune
from human error.
164
00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:09,707
Freeze!
165
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:22,082
Soon after Collins's arrest
and the massive scandal that followed...
166
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:24,952
the base was closed.
167
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:29,756
It hadn't even been a year,
and the entire project was simply forgotten.
168
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:35,897
Things looked bleak for Joe,
but they were even worse for mankind.
169
00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:39,267
As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed...
170
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:43,399
and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.
171
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:55,884
Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...
172
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,979
would correct this
trend in evolution.
173
00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:01,253
But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...
174
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:06,229
were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.
175
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:14,239
Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...
176
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:18,936
until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.
177
00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:24,039
Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...
178
00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:29,019
leading to the Great Garbage
Avalanche of 2505...
179
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:34,457
which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.
180
00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:11,258
- Hold on.
- Next, on The Violence Channel...
181
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,593
an all-new Ow! My Balls!
182
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,946
All right.
183
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:39,447
That guy got hit in the balls.
184
00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:42,083
Ow, my balls!
185
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,965
Huh?
186
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:58,199
- Where's-
- Hold on. Shut up!
187
00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,954
- Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!
188
00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:16,687
Next week on Ow! My Balls!
Hormel goes to Paris!
189
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:21,529
- Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.
190
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,070
In your face, ass!
Shut up.
191
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:27,298
I'm sorry. It's just-
Where am I?
192
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,601
Shut up!
I told you already!
193
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,979
Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!
194
00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:41,746
Come in here
and not shut up.
195
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:45,415
Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like-
196
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:03,006
Unaware of what year it was...
197
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,100
Joe wandered the streets,
desperate for help.
198
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:08,578
But the English language
had deteriorated...
199
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:13,778
into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.
200
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:17,322
Joe was able to understand them...
201
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:20,790
but when he spoke
in an ordinary voice...
202
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,487
he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.
203
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,079
Paging Doc-
204
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:49,620
Report to, uh-
205
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:54,125
Dr. Lueboo...
206
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,454
uh, report.
207
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,428
Your floor-Your floor is now clean.
208
00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:00,760
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
209
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:03,232
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
210
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:08,466
Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.
211
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,168
I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.
212
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,404
I've been hallucinating.
213
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:15,980
My head is just killin' me.
214
00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:19,107
My-My-My joints
are all achy and I-
215
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,753
Is this a hospital or-
216
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:26,985
Actually, I don't even know where I am.
217
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,322
Please proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right...
218
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:33,762
- and have a healthy day!
- Oh. Thanks.
219
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,629
Thank you!
220
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:50,841
Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.
221
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,851
- I was just looking for some regular water.
- Water?
222
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,979
- Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?
223
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,990
You know, just to drink.
224
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,032
You've got hepatitis!
225
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,899
Oh, is someone not
feeling well?
226
00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:16,566
Your illness
is very important to us.
227
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:19,542
- Next.
- Welcome
to the Healthmaster Inferno...
228
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,670
- powered by Jormi Technology.
- Uh, this goes in your mouth.
229
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:27,218
This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.
230
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,183
Come on.
231
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:34,191
- Hurry up, asshole!
- Come on!
232
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,225
Shit. Hang on a second.
233
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,433
This one- No.
234
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,365
- Hey, come on.
- Uh-
235
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,667
- Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.
236
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,942
Come on!
237
00:16:57,483 --> 00:17:00,509
Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
238
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,856
That's a weird misprint.
239
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:14,063
Hey.
How's it hang, ese?
240
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:17,863
Yeah. Right.
Well, not so good, you know.
241
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,962
I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seein' things.
242
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:23,974
I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.
243
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:27,773
But, if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base-
244
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,542
Right. Kick ass.
245
00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:33,777
Well, don't wanna sound
like a dick or nothin'...
246
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,719
but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.
247
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:40,314
You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.
248
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:44,795
What I'd do is just like,
like, you know...
249
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,333
like, you know what I mean? Like-
250
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:52,700
- No, I'm serious here.
- Don't worry, scrot.
251
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,831
Now there are plenty of 'tards
out there living really kick-ass lives.
252
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:59,308
My first wife was 'tarded.
She's a pilot now.
253
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:03,279
I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.
254
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,145
There's that fag talk
we talked about.
255
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:09,084
All right, so that'll be...
this many dollars.
256
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:13,249
And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.
257
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:17,294
That's weird. This thing has the same
misprint as that magazine.
258
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:21,457
- What are the odds of-
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
259
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:24,331
Why don't you have this?
260
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,939
Oh, God.
261
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,101
- Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.
262
00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:36,681
Why come you don't
have a tattoo?
263
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:41,343
- Oh, my God!
- You're not unscannable, are you?
264
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,783
Oh, my God!
265
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:48,326
You're unscannable.
266
00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:51,225
- Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!
267
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,890
You gotta let me talk
to someone in the army! Wait a second.
268
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,832
They're all dead.
Everybody I know's dead!
269
00:18:56,935 --> 00:18:58,664
Oh, my God! Oh!
270
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:03,902
- No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!
271
00:19:04,009 --> 00:19:06,170
- How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?
272
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:09,509
Your floor is now clean.
273
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,879
Your floor is now clean.
274
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:36,207
Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
275
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:39,539
The economy was
in a state of deep neglect.
276
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:43,103
A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.
277
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:48,050
And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.
278
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,983
And that's all it was
for 90 minutes.
279
00:19:55,160 --> 00:20:00,257
It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.
280
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:07,430
Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.
281
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:10,531
You didn't gimme no fries.
I got an empty box.
282
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:13,475
Would you like another
Extra Big-Ass Fries?
283
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,274
I said I didn't get any.
284
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,245
Thank you. Your account has been charged.
285
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:19,249
Your balance is zero.
286
00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:22,843
- What? Oh, no. No!
- Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
287
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,855
I'm sorry you're having trouble.
288
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,482
- Come on! My kids are starvin'.
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
289
00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:32,486
This should
help you calm down.
290
00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:35,465
Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
291
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:40,766
Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes
no child should go hungry.
292
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:45,832
You are an unfit mother. Your children
will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
293
00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:48,970
Carl's Jr.
"Fuck you. I'm eating."
294
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,146
Welcome to Carl's Jr.
295
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,846
Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco...
296
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:58,514
now with more molecules?
297
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:01,616
Hey! Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?
298
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:05,663
- Me? No.
- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
299
00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:11,298
Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.
300
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:16,800
Wait a second. There's the other pod
from the army experiment.
301
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:19,172
There was a girl.
She was from the same experiment.
302
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,645
Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.
303
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,773
Joe was arrested for not
paying his hospital bill...
304
00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:28,319
and not having
his U.P.C. tattoo.
305
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:33,722
He would soon discover that
in the future, justice was not only blind...
306
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:37,625
but had become
rather retarded as well.
307
00:21:37,729 --> 00:21:40,698
You shut up! Now-
308
00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:45,131
I'm fixin' to commensurate
this trial here.
309
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:49,867
We gonna see if we can't
come up with a verdict up in here.
310
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:54,139
Now, since y'all
say you ain't got no money...
311
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:57,579
we have "proprietarily"
obtained for you...
312
00:21:57,683 --> 00:22:01,517
one of them
court-appointed lawyers.
313
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:06,648
So, put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Pendejo.
314
00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,487
You're my lawyer?
315
00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:12,927
Says here you, uh,
robbed a hospital?
316
00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:15,431
- Why'd you do that?
- Yeah. I'm not guilty.
317
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:18,332
- That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What do you mean what the-
318
00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:20,405
Listen, you gotta get me
on the stand, okay?
319
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:23,497
I can explain everything. We can take 'em
to your house, show 'em the pod.
320
00:22:23,608 --> 00:22:25,872
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
321
00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:29,413
Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?
322
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:32,540
Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.
323
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:38,179
He talks like a fag too.
324
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:41,987
And "B," we've got all this,
like, evidence...
325
00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:45,029
of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.
326
00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:48,065
And I heard that he doesn't
even have his tattoo.
327
00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:50,430
I know!
328
00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:54,062
And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me."
But check this out, man.
329
00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:57,073
Judge should be like, "Guilty."
Peace.
330
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:05,479
- Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?
331
00:23:05,584 --> 00:23:07,848
- Come on. Just get me on the stand.
- Okay.
332
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,617
- Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?
333
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:13,554
I object...
334
00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:17,651
that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit.
335
00:23:17,763 --> 00:23:19,754
- Yeah.
- What?
336
00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:24,393
And you know what else? I object that
he's not gonna have any money to pay me...
337
00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:27,631
after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospital!
338
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,730
Don't say I stole.
You're my lawyer.
339
00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:31,775
And I object.
340
00:23:31,877 --> 00:23:35,745
I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!
341
00:23:35,847 --> 00:23:40,307
That is not okay! And I rest my case!
342
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,819
Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.
343
00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:46,288
- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up
your ass, you don't shut up.
344
00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:48,859
- Please, listen.
- "Please, listen."
345
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,689
I didn't steal anything.
346
00:23:50,796 --> 00:23:52,696
I was part of an army
experiment-
347
00:23:52,798 --> 00:23:55,790
Joe stated his case logically and passionately...
348
00:23:55,901 --> 00:24:00,998
but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.
349
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:02,767
Guilty!
350
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:07,504
Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.
351
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:12,311
Meanwhile, Rita had awakened
to find that the world's oldest profession...
352
00:24:12,417 --> 00:24:15,654
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
353
00:24:15,689 --> 00:24:16,518
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
354
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:20,352
Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,
Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.
355
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,825
Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.
356
00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:24,759
Upgrayedd.
357
00:24:25,897 --> 00:24:30,459
There are 9,726 listings
for Upgrayedd.
358
00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:32,833
Please deposit $2,000
to begin connection.
359
00:24:32,938 --> 00:24:34,838
- Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.
360
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:37,408
Hey, look, can you just-
can you wait a second, please?
361
00:24:37,509 --> 00:24:41,878
Oh, yeah, baby.
I can wait so good.
362
00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:44,848
Really?
363
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,483
Think, uh-You think maybe
you could wait a day?
364
00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:50,714
Baby, I can wait two days.
365
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:55,384
Huh. That's good,
'cause I charge by the hour.
366
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:59,430
Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.
367
00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:01,431
Thank you very much,
young man.
368
00:25:03,702 --> 00:25:05,363
What the fuck?
369
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,995
Goddamn, shit's changed
in a year.
370
00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:11,908
What are we doin' here?
371
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:14,501
Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.
372
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:20,679
Welcome to
the Identity Processing Program of America.
373
00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:25,449
Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.
374
00:25:26,558 --> 00:25:28,458
Thank you.
375
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,519
Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card-
376
00:25:32,631 --> 00:25:36,032
- Document number G24L8.
- I'm not sure if-
377
00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:40,127
You have entered the name "Not Sure."
Is this correct, Not Sure?
378
00:25:40,238 --> 00:25:42,138
No, it's not correct.
379
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,835
Thank you. "Not" is correct.
Is "Sure" correct?
380
00:25:45,944 --> 00:25:47,969
No, it's not. My name is Joe-
381
00:25:48,079 --> 00:25:49,910
You've already confirmed
your first name is Not.
382
00:25:50,015 --> 00:25:53,644
- Please confirm your last name, "Sure."
- My-
383
00:25:53,752 --> 00:25:56,152
My last name is not Sure.
384
00:25:56,254 --> 00:25:58,882
- Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
385
00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:04,326
Confirmation is complete. Please wait
while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
386
00:26:06,431 --> 00:26:09,264
- Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this?
387
00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:11,801
Can we cancel this and just go back
to the beginning?
388
00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:15,134
They're gonna tat-
Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
389
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,266
- Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.
390
00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:30,346
Oh, that's fuckin' great.
391
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:34,791
Okay, sir...
392
00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:39,227
now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.
393
00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,265
What for?
394
00:26:41,366 --> 00:26:45,598
Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...
395
00:26:45,704 --> 00:26:50,835
and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.
396
00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:53,877
If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
397
00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:56,539
and another bucket
that holds five gallons...
398
00:26:56,648 --> 00:26:59,412
how many buckets
do you have?
399
00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,253
Two?
400
00:27:03,355 --> 00:27:05,323
Thank you.
401
00:27:45,296 --> 00:27:47,264
'Too.
402
00:28:09,788 --> 00:28:12,450
Desperate and scared...
403
00:28:12,557 --> 00:28:15,355
Joe used his superior
intelligence...
404
00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:18,361
to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.
405
00:28:18,463 --> 00:28:24,095
Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.
406
00:28:25,303 --> 00:28:27,362
Yeah.
407
00:28:27,472 --> 00:28:30,407
You're in the wrong line,
dumb ass. Over there.
408
00:28:30,508 --> 00:28:33,807
I'm sorry. I am being
a big dumb ass. Sorry.
409
00:28:33,912 --> 00:28:35,573
Hey, uh,
let this dumb ass through.
410
00:28:52,630 --> 00:28:55,326
- 'Too.
- Yeah. Got it.
411
00:28:57,736 --> 00:29:03,106
Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
412
00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:05,108
Could you check again?
413
00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:08,270
'Cause, I was, you know-
I was definitely in prison, okay?
414
00:29:08,379 --> 00:29:12,315
I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?
415
00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:23,156
"Excape." "Excape."
416
00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:25,821
"Excape." "Excape."
417
00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:29,696
"Excape." "Excape."
418
00:29:47,051 --> 00:29:48,951
The Masturbation Network.
419
00:29:49,053 --> 00:29:52,545
Keepin' America 'batin'
for 300 years.
420
00:29:52,657 --> 00:29:55,353
And now, Sweet Bang Tube.
421
00:29:55,460 --> 00:30:00,227
Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.
422
00:30:00,331 --> 00:30:02,322
Oh, yeah, that's-
423
00:30:02,433 --> 00:30:04,333
Go away! 'Batin'!
424
00:30:06,437 --> 00:30:08,632
Damn it.
425
00:30:08,740 --> 00:30:11,231
All right.
426
00:30:13,244 --> 00:30:16,179
Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here!
427
00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:20,377
No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.
428
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,852
So? Shut up,
'cause you broke my house.
429
00:30:23,955 --> 00:30:26,890
Hey, I could have you disbarred-
disbarred- for what you did to me.
430
00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:29,653
Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.
431
00:30:29,761 --> 00:30:31,854
Oh, really?
432
00:30:31,963 --> 00:30:35,262
Yeah, really. Now, look.
Okay, here's the deal.
433
00:30:35,366 --> 00:30:37,357
I've been thinking.
It's been 500 years.
434
00:30:37,468 --> 00:30:40,437
Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.
435
00:30:40,538 --> 00:30:43,439
You know, I think they were pretty close
even in my day. You know?
436
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:45,441
- With Einstein and guys like that?
- Uh-huh.
437
00:30:45,543 --> 00:30:48,103
- You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.
438
00:30:49,447 --> 00:30:51,347
A time machine,
for time travel.
439
00:30:51,449 --> 00:30:54,077
- Do they have one?
- What?
440
00:30:58,389 --> 00:31:02,291
Jesus. I knew that was
too much to hope for.
441
00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:05,521
No, no, they got
a time machine.
442
00:31:05,630 --> 00:31:07,530
- They do?
- Yeah.
443
00:31:07,632 --> 00:31:09,532
- Are-Are-Are you sure?
- Yeah.
444
00:31:09,634 --> 00:31:13,468
- Can it get me back to 2005?
- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.
445
00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:16,802
And it breaks all the time 'cause
some smart guy made it a long time ago.
446
00:31:16,908 --> 00:31:19,069
I don't care.
Just get me there, okay?
447
00:31:19,177 --> 00:31:20,644
- Well-
- Please!
448
00:31:20,745 --> 00:31:23,976
Listen, I- I-
I "supersize" with you...
449
00:31:24,082 --> 00:31:26,846
but didn't you go to jail
for not havin' enough money?
450
00:31:26,951 --> 00:31:31,081
Okay, how about this? You get me
to the time machine, and when I get back...
451
00:31:31,189 --> 00:31:33,180
I open a savings account
in your name.
452
00:31:33,291 --> 00:31:35,816
That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.
453
00:31:35,927 --> 00:31:37,451
- Billions!
- 'Cause?
454
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:40,395
'Cause of the interest,
it'll be worth billions of dollars.
455
00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:43,058
- Oh, I- I like money.
- Yeah.
456
00:31:43,167 --> 00:31:46,159
- How many billions?
- Like, 10.
457
00:31:46,271 --> 00:31:49,434
Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs, like, 20.
458
00:31:49,540 --> 00:31:52,338
Yeah? Okay.
Uh, 30, Frito.
459
00:31:52,443 --> 00:31:55,606
Thirty billion dollars.
460
00:31:55,713 --> 00:32:00,150
Thirty billion.
So if you gave me 30 billion...
461
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,242
and the time machine's 20-
462
00:32:02,353 --> 00:32:04,287
What's the minus
of 30 and 20?
463
00:32:04,389 --> 00:32:07,119
Uh, it's, uh-
it's 80, Frito.
464
00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:09,750
It's $80 billion.
That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
465
00:32:09,861 --> 00:32:13,592
- Yeah. I like money though.
- Police! Open the door!
466
00:32:13,698 --> 00:32:15,859
We're looking for an "excaped" individual.
467
00:32:15,967 --> 00:32:19,562
- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.
468
00:32:19,671 --> 00:32:23,664
Oh, um, he-
He's... somewhere else.
469
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:28,109
- You got something I can wear?
- Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top,
assorted in the middle.
470
00:32:28,212 --> 00:32:30,339
A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
471
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:33,212
Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile."
472
00:32:33,318 --> 00:32:35,718
Okay, sir, we're comin' in.
473
00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:38,118
- No, you can't come in.
- Can too!
474
00:32:38,222 --> 00:32:40,281
- Come on!
- All right, let's go get my billions.
475
00:32:42,593 --> 00:32:46,654
Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find
this girl, Rita, first, okay?
476
00:32:46,764 --> 00:32:49,528
- Is she bangin'?
- Yeah, sure, she is.
477
00:32:49,634 --> 00:32:51,534
That wasn't really
part of the deal.
478
00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:55,538
- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another
couple billion, all right?
- I like money.
479
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,700
Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.
480
00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:03,577
Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?
So when we gonna do it?
481
00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:07,014
'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,
and it's been, like, three days.
482
00:33:07,118 --> 00:33:11,111
Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.
Hey, you know what?
483
00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:13,850
Why don't you
come back tomorrow?
484
00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:16,586
- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!
- Yeah?
485
00:33:16,694 --> 00:33:19,857
When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.
486
00:33:19,964 --> 00:33:23,422
That's right.
Whatever you say, sir.
487
00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:26,002
- Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.
488
00:33:26,104 --> 00:33:29,232
- Thank you!
- Rita!
489
00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:33,208
Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.
490
00:33:33,311 --> 00:33:35,609
Oh, yeah!
What the hell, man?
491
00:33:35,713 --> 00:33:37,613
Just get in the car.
I'll explain everything.
492
00:33:37,715 --> 00:33:40,206
- Where we going?
- Just get in the car.
493
00:33:40,318 --> 00:33:42,479
- Trust me.
- What happened to those army guys?
494
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,847
Wait a minute. You got cops after you?
495
00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:51,588
- Yeah.
- And you made me get in the car?
I got two strikes, asshole!
496
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,164
Frito, take a right here.
Right, right!
497
00:33:54,265 --> 00:33:56,233
Into that dust storm,
Frito.
498
00:34:02,407 --> 00:34:04,466
They must have just forgotten about us.
499
00:34:04,575 --> 00:34:07,976
It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!
500
00:34:08,079 --> 00:34:12,277
Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!
501
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,476
So, you owe
your boyfriend money?
502
00:34:14,585 --> 00:34:17,076
Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.
503
00:34:17,188 --> 00:34:20,988
You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.
504
00:34:21,092 --> 00:34:26,428
Look, Rita, you gotta understand that
Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
505
00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:29,329
- Yeah, man, but you said there
was a time machine, right?
- Yeah.
506
00:34:29,434 --> 00:34:32,961
Yeah, there's a time machine
now that can take us back to the past...
507
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:35,471
but there was no
time machine back then, so-
508
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:38,508
Upgrayedd don't care where
the time machine is. Now, then, last week-
509
00:34:38,609 --> 00:34:41,578
He will find a way
to come get his money!
510
00:34:41,679 --> 00:34:44,773
- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-
- You know what?
511
00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:47,442
Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...
512
00:34:47,552 --> 00:34:49,918
when you were trying to tell me
to get into some coffin.
513
00:34:50,021 --> 00:34:52,012
Look, Rita, I don't know
how this happened, okay?
514
00:34:52,123 --> 00:34:55,422
But I'm doing everything I can
to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
515
00:34:55,526 --> 00:34:59,087
You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
516
00:34:59,197 --> 00:35:02,826
Please, pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.
517
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:05,835
- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.
- Thank you for your help.
518
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:08,167
If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.
519
00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:11,264
You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.
I've been in them.
520
00:35:11,375 --> 00:35:14,105
They're bad. You're better off being with us,
as bad as that sounds.
521
00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:18,205
- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
- Turned off my battery.
522
00:35:22,653 --> 00:35:26,111
Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?
523
00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:31,223
Oh, shit.
524
00:35:39,170 --> 00:35:41,798
Oh! Oh, shit!
525
00:35:41,906 --> 00:35:44,136
Yeah!
526
00:35:44,242 --> 00:35:47,541
What the hell's wrong
with you? That's your car.
527
00:35:48,746 --> 00:35:52,477
Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!
528
00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:54,380
Come on!
Let's get out of here.
529
00:36:03,861 --> 00:36:05,852
Hey, how much farther is it?
530
00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,998
Uh, it's, like, far.
531
00:36:10,101 --> 00:36:13,537
Man, I could really
go for a Starbucks, you know?
532
00:36:13,638 --> 00:36:17,199
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time
for a hand job, Joe.
533
00:36:22,980 --> 00:36:25,972
Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?
534
00:36:26,083 --> 00:36:28,278
I sure hope so.
He's our only chance.
535
00:36:28,386 --> 00:36:31,913
How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
536
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:36,289
He's my lawyer.
And he's not a very good one either.
537
00:36:36,394 --> 00:36:38,954
He's a goddamned idiot.
538
00:36:39,063 --> 00:36:43,864
There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.
539
00:37:02,153 --> 00:37:05,850
Jesus Christ.
Oh, look. One more thing.
540
00:37:05,957 --> 00:37:09,358
He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars
if he takes us there.
541
00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:13,590
So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?
542
00:37:13,698 --> 00:37:15,598
Yeah, what if this
time machine don't work?
543
00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:18,999
Then I'll spend
the rest of my life trying to fix it.
544
00:37:23,774 --> 00:37:29,303
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
545
00:37:30,414 --> 00:37:32,780
Welcome to Costco.
I love you.
546
00:37:34,885 --> 00:37:38,685
Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.
547
00:37:46,631 --> 00:37:48,963
We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?
548
00:37:49,066 --> 00:37:52,558
Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.
549
00:37:52,670 --> 00:37:54,604
In Costco?
550
00:37:54,705 --> 00:37:57,105
Yeah. I couldn't
believe it myself.
551
00:37:57,208 --> 00:38:00,871
Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.
552
00:38:02,313 --> 00:38:05,111
Hey, come on, Joe.
I already told you...
553
00:38:05,216 --> 00:38:08,310
we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.
554
00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:19,962
Hey, baby, wanna go out?
555
00:38:20,064 --> 00:38:22,624
Wanna go out, honey?
556
00:38:29,340 --> 00:38:31,968
Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.
557
00:38:32,076 --> 00:38:35,807
Do I got time to use the bathroom?
558
00:38:38,015 --> 00:38:40,711
- Uh, the toilet.
- Be right back.
559
00:38:41,619 --> 00:38:44,087
Yeah,
back that thing up.
560
00:38:44,188 --> 00:38:46,486
- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?
561
00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:48,421
- I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?
562
00:38:48,526 --> 00:38:50,426
- Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.
563
00:38:50,528 --> 00:38:53,895
Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.
564
00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:56,523
Then you just, like,
back it up. And then you-
565
00:38:56,634 --> 00:38:58,829
- That's real good.
- Then you- Oh, yeah!
566
00:38:58,936 --> 00:39:01,029
Stop! You're gonna
get us caught, okay?
567
00:39:01,138 --> 00:39:03,038
Warning! Warning!
568
00:39:03,140 --> 00:39:05,665
Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16,702.
569
00:39:05,776 --> 00:39:08,210
Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.
570
00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:10,542
I don't care.
Come on!
571
00:39:10,648 --> 00:39:15,017
Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
572
00:39:15,119 --> 00:39:17,053
Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.
573
00:39:17,154 --> 00:39:19,918
We go to the time machine,
then when I get back to the past...
574
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,958
I tell her not
to do the experiment.
575
00:39:22,059 --> 00:39:24,254
- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?
- Uh-
576
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,330
- No, wait.
- Please stand clear of the doors.
577
00:39:26,430 --> 00:39:29,228
She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?
578
00:39:29,333 --> 00:39:32,530
- Uh-
- No, wait, hold on. It just
means I haven't done it yet.
579
00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:35,434
Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.
580
00:39:35,539 --> 00:39:38,099
Then I won't have to do it either
because she won't be here.
581
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,609
- Then I won't have to
come back and save her, right?
- I-
582
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:43,373
- But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh-
583
00:39:43,481 --> 00:39:45,449
Goddamn, how does
this time travel work?
584
00:39:45,549 --> 00:39:49,417
- Please stand clear.
- Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
585
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:52,216
- Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!
586
00:40:02,366 --> 00:40:05,426
Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail...
587
00:40:05,536 --> 00:40:08,266
just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way-
588
00:40:08,372 --> 00:40:11,637
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
589
00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:16,236
- What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
590
00:40:16,347 --> 00:40:18,281
What?
591
00:40:18,382 --> 00:40:20,612
- Ow! God! Hey, stop!
- Damn it.
592
00:40:22,553 --> 00:40:26,250
- What is this?
- Okay, sir, this is the White House.
593
00:40:26,357 --> 00:40:28,655
- What are we doing at the White House?
- What?
594
00:40:28,759 --> 00:40:31,057
Ow! Ow! Goddamn!
595
00:40:31,162 --> 00:40:34,620
It turned out the results
of Joe's I.Q. test...
596
00:40:34,732 --> 00:40:38,828
had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.
597
00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:43,100
Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy
in the world? Says who?
598
00:40:43,207 --> 00:40:45,300
The I.Q. test you
took in prison.
599
00:40:45,409 --> 00:40:48,173
You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
600
00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:51,180
Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter
than President Camacho.
601
00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:54,046
That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.
602
00:40:54,151 --> 00:40:56,119
Okay, so who are you?
603
00:40:56,220 --> 00:40:57,949
I'm the secretary of energy.
604
00:40:58,055 --> 00:41:00,717
He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.
605
00:41:00,825 --> 00:41:04,625
I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
606
00:41:04,728 --> 00:41:07,993
- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.
607
00:41:08,098 --> 00:41:11,966
It's a really good way to make money.
You're so smart, why don't you know that?
608
00:41:13,737 --> 00:41:16,297
- He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.
609
00:41:16,407 --> 00:41:19,376
And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.
610
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,809
Hi.
611
00:41:21,912 --> 00:41:24,073
And that's
the secretary of education.
612
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:29,517
He's kinda stupid, but he's
President Camacho's stepbrother.
613
00:41:29,620 --> 00:41:31,850
Still, he does
a pretty good job, eh?
614
00:41:31,956 --> 00:41:35,517
You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...
615
00:41:35,626 --> 00:41:39,084
'cause the test I took
was real, real easy.
616
00:41:39,196 --> 00:41:43,189
I'm not the smartest guy
in the world. Okay?
617
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:51,464
Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.
618
00:41:51,575 --> 00:41:55,033
- I don't even know what it is.
- You better find out.
619
00:41:55,145 --> 00:41:58,012
- Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo...
620
00:41:58,115 --> 00:42:02,074
I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby,
so I need y'all to wait outside.
621
00:42:02,186 --> 00:42:07,123
Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...
622
00:42:07,224 --> 00:42:11,183
porn superstar, and president
of the United States...
623
00:42:11,295 --> 00:42:14,696
had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.
624
00:42:14,798 --> 00:42:17,426
- So you smart, huh?
- No, no.
625
00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:24,034
I thought your head would be bigger.
626
00:42:27,011 --> 00:42:29,138
Goddamn.
627
00:42:29,246 --> 00:42:31,612
It look like a peanut.
628
00:42:31,715 --> 00:42:33,649
Let's get you sworn in.
629
00:42:48,532 --> 00:42:51,899
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!
630
00:42:55,506 --> 00:42:57,974
President Camacho!
631
00:42:59,009 --> 00:43:01,773
Shut up.
632
00:43:01,879 --> 00:43:05,940
Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.
633
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:07,608
Chill out.
634
00:43:11,855 --> 00:43:13,288
Shit.
635
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,756
I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin' bullshit.
636
00:43:18,862 --> 00:43:20,598
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
637
00:43:20,633 --> 00:43:23,431
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
638
00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:25,161
Yeah!
639
00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:28,170
- But I got a solution.
- That's what you said last time, dipshit!
640
00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:30,172
I got a solution.
You're a dick!
641
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,868
South Carolina, "whassup?"
642
00:43:40,317 --> 00:43:43,548
That's what I thought!
643
00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:49,622
Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now...
644
00:43:49,727 --> 00:43:52,252
but listen up.
645
00:43:52,363 --> 00:43:55,127
I got a three-point plan
to fix everything.
646
00:43:55,232 --> 00:43:56,722
Break it down, Camacho!
647
00:43:56,834 --> 00:44:02,033
Number one,
we got this guy, Not Sure.
648
00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:06,974
- Number two, he's got a higher
I.Q. than any man alive.
649
00:44:07,077 --> 00:44:11,377
And number three, he's gonna fix everything.
650
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:14,713
I give you my word
as president.
651
00:44:14,818 --> 00:44:17,343
He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.
652
00:44:17,454 --> 00:44:19,854
He's gonna
make 'em grow again.
653
00:44:19,957 --> 00:44:24,917
- Crops?
- And that ain't all. I give you my word.
654
00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:30,057
He's gonna fix
the dust storms too.
655
00:44:31,802 --> 00:44:34,396
I give you my word.
656
00:44:34,505 --> 00:44:38,032
He's gonna
fix the "ecomony."
657
00:44:40,144 --> 00:44:42,908
And he's so smart...
658
00:44:43,013 --> 00:44:48,212
he's gonna do it all in one week.
659
00:44:48,318 --> 00:44:51,879
President Camacho stood before
the world and promised everyone...
660
00:44:51,989 --> 00:44:55,584
that Joe would solve
all their problems.
661
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:59,857
He would not only end the dust bowl
and heal the economy...
662
00:44:59,963 --> 00:45:02,591
but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.
663
00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:04,964
And if he didn't...
664
00:45:05,069 --> 00:45:07,560
President Camacho
made another promise.
665
00:45:07,671 --> 00:45:11,300
He would kick Joe's smart balls
all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.
666
00:45:11,408 --> 00:45:15,572
- And then, he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.
667
00:45:19,983 --> 00:45:22,178
I should, uh, be honest
with you, Mr. President.
668
00:45:22,286 --> 00:45:24,413
I don't know how to be
secretary of anything.
669
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:25,988
I mean, I've never
even voted, actually.
670
00:45:26,090 --> 00:45:28,888
I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.
671
00:45:28,992 --> 00:45:33,656
Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?
672
00:45:33,764 --> 00:45:38,098
Besides,
you do a kick-ass job...
673
00:45:38,202 --> 00:45:40,432
you get a full
presidential pardon.
674
00:45:40,537 --> 00:45:42,437
- No jail time.
- Yeah?
675
00:45:42,539 --> 00:45:46,168
Fuck, yeah!
Now gimme a beer.
676
00:45:46,276 --> 00:45:48,335
And get you one too.
677
00:45:54,218 --> 00:45:56,243
Shit!
678
00:45:56,353 --> 00:45:58,821
Hold on, vato!
679
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:00,651
Whoo!
680
00:46:21,245 --> 00:46:23,372
- Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.
681
00:46:24,748 --> 00:46:28,377
Uh, okay.
Uh-
682
00:46:28,485 --> 00:46:31,545
I'll, uh-
683
00:46:31,655 --> 00:46:35,216
- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.
684
00:46:35,325 --> 00:46:40,319
Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,
confer with my counsel.
685
00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:42,295
You understand?
So I'll be right back.
686
00:46:42,399 --> 00:46:45,766
Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.
687
00:46:45,869 --> 00:46:50,533
- Hopefully get it worked out
by the time we get back here.
- Sounds pretty smart.
688
00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:52,609
Wait here, okay?
Wait there.
689
00:46:52,709 --> 00:46:55,542
Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.
690
00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:57,614
Everyone gets laid at the White House.
Everyone.
691
00:46:57,714 --> 00:46:59,341
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
692
00:46:59,449 --> 00:47:02,885
I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,
but I brought you here to help me.
693
00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:05,648
I don't know the first thing
about growin' crops...
694
00:47:05,756 --> 00:47:07,986
much less
the goddamn "ecomony."
695
00:47:08,091 --> 00:47:10,025
Econ-Economy.
696
00:47:10,127 --> 00:47:13,062
Let's see.
Growin' crops-
697
00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:16,826
No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.
698
00:47:16,934 --> 00:47:21,098
Oh, that's easy.
You go down by the museum and stuff.
699
00:47:21,205 --> 00:47:23,230
It's, like-
It's, like, by the museum...
700
00:47:23,340 --> 00:47:25,934
sort of, but, well,
actually, not really.
701
00:47:26,043 --> 00:47:30,571
More like- But on the street. You go, um-
Wait. Let me start over.
702
00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:32,546
Okay, you know
where the time machine is?
703
00:47:32,649 --> 00:47:35,618
Hey. Just draw me
a map, okay?
704
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:38,347
You still want the money?
705
00:47:38,455 --> 00:47:41,288
Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House...
706
00:47:41,391 --> 00:47:46,294
- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- Listen. Cut it out!
707
00:47:46,396 --> 00:47:49,194
Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?
708
00:47:49,299 --> 00:47:51,529
- So act smart!
- Smart like you?
709
00:47:51,635 --> 00:47:55,127
"Oh, I gotta go
to the time machine. I wanna go home."
710
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:58,037
- I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that."
711
00:47:58,141 --> 00:48:00,075
Shit, I thought
there was two of you.
712
00:48:00,177 --> 00:48:01,974
See?
713
00:48:02,079 --> 00:48:04,639
Doesn't look that big, is it?
714
00:48:04,748 --> 00:48:07,876
Okay. Let's go take a look
at those crops.
715
00:48:07,985 --> 00:48:11,978
Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.
716
00:48:13,590 --> 00:48:16,286
All right?
Hey, come on!
717
00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:22,790
Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way. All right?
718
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:26,233
Whoa.
Did you just make that up?
719
00:48:26,336 --> 00:48:29,271
Yes, I did.
Now look...
720
00:48:29,373 --> 00:48:31,967
I also need help finding this girl named Rita,
like, immediately...
721
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,475
- and Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?
722
00:48:36,213 --> 00:48:41,344
Well, because, uh, you know,
she'd be an essential... integral... asset...
723
00:48:41,451 --> 00:48:46,252
you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.
724
00:48:52,896 --> 00:48:55,797
Utilize her!
Utilize her!
725
00:48:55,899 --> 00:48:57,992
Utilize!
726
00:48:58,101 --> 00:49:01,161
Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?
727
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,967
Oh, yeah.
Butt first!
728
00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:08,812
- Utilize her!
- Okay.
729
00:49:14,451 --> 00:49:17,818
Dang! May I approach
your benches?
730
00:49:23,427 --> 00:49:26,055
Uh, yeah.
This sucks pretty bad.
731
00:49:26,163 --> 00:49:28,996
Frito, why don't you come over here and,
uh, take a look at this?
732
00:49:29,099 --> 00:49:32,535
Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.
733
00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:36,436
See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?
734
00:49:36,540 --> 00:49:38,508
- Oh, yeah.
- Discreetly.
735
00:49:42,846 --> 00:49:45,610
- It's right there.
- I see it. I see it.
736
00:49:45,716 --> 00:49:48,276
Stand up with me.
737
00:49:48,385 --> 00:49:52,253
Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.
738
00:49:52,356 --> 00:49:55,348
Hey, that may be how you refer
to women in the future, but come on.
739
00:49:55,459 --> 00:49:59,725
No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy
a lotta money and didn't put out.
740
00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:01,821
Don't worry though.
We'll get her out...
741
00:50:01,932 --> 00:50:05,231
on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.
742
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:08,532
Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?
743
00:50:08,638 --> 00:50:10,970
What the fuck
are you all starin' at?
744
00:50:11,074 --> 00:50:13,099
- Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.
745
00:50:13,210 --> 00:50:17,112
- Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?
746
00:50:17,214 --> 00:50:21,810
Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?
747
00:50:21,918 --> 00:50:26,321
You know,
in the bushes?
748
00:50:28,058 --> 00:50:29,992
Oh, man.
749
00:50:38,568 --> 00:50:42,129
- Fuck her, Joe!
- Hey, you want us to come along,
make sure she puts out?
750
00:50:42,239 --> 00:50:44,264
No, thanks.
I can handle it. Yeah.
751
00:50:44,374 --> 00:50:47,605
I thought you was in jail.
How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
752
00:50:47,711 --> 00:50:50,009
Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.
753
00:50:58,789 --> 00:51:00,757
Okay.
Get ready to run.
754
00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:05,854
- What?
- Oh, goddamn it.
755
00:51:05,962 --> 00:51:08,760
Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.
756
00:51:08,865 --> 00:51:10,799
We'll ask for directions
on the way.
757
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:14,064
No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.
758
00:51:14,171 --> 00:51:17,140
Damn it. I can't go back to jail,
and I sure can't solve these problems.
759
00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:20,368
All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd
before he finds me.
760
00:51:20,477 --> 00:51:23,844
Listen to me. Upgrayedd
cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!
761
00:51:23,947 --> 00:51:26,677
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...
762
00:51:26,783 --> 00:51:28,774
could somehow magically
travel through time...
763
00:51:28,885 --> 00:51:32,321
we got secret service guys with huge guns
protecting us, okay?
764
00:51:32,422 --> 00:51:34,322
So don't worry.
You're safe.
765
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:37,587
And you know what? It's none of my business,
but when we get back...
766
00:51:37,694 --> 00:51:40,322
you and Upgrayedd should seriously think
about couples counseling, okay?
767
00:51:40,430 --> 00:51:44,867
And you should also think about maybe finding
an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
768
00:51:44,968 --> 00:51:49,064
Hey!
She's not puttin' out?
769
00:51:49,172 --> 00:51:53,302
Uh, no, she is.
We, uh-We already did it.
770
00:51:53,410 --> 00:51:55,901
Yeah. He was great.
771
00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:01,778
Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh...
772
00:52:01,885 --> 00:52:03,853
if we'd go family-style
on her.
773
00:52:06,389 --> 00:52:09,847
Uh, yeah,
probably not right now.
774
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:13,418
We should focus on the crops.
So let's get back to work. Maybe later.
775
00:52:20,537 --> 00:52:22,232
What the hell is this?
776
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:29,010
- Tastes like Gatorade.
- Is that that Brawndo stuff?
777
00:52:29,112 --> 00:52:32,843
They're watering crops
with a sports drink?
778
00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:37,248
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator
had come to replace water...
779
00:52:37,354 --> 00:52:39,515
virtually everywhere.
780
00:52:39,623 --> 00:52:41,818
Water, the basic component
of all life...
781
00:52:41,925 --> 00:52:44,917
had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.
782
00:52:45,028 --> 00:52:48,520
The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...
783
00:52:48,632 --> 00:52:53,467
when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F.D.A...
784
00:52:53,570 --> 00:52:55,037
and the F.C.C...
785
00:52:55,138 --> 00:52:57,368
enabling them to say,
do and sell...
786
00:52:57,474 --> 00:52:59,374
anything they wanted.
787
00:53:04,414 --> 00:53:07,042
Joe didn't know
any of this...
788
00:53:07,150 --> 00:53:11,143
but he did see a problem
that he might actually be able to solve.
789
00:53:11,254 --> 00:53:15,816
- With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.
790
00:53:15,926 --> 00:53:18,053
He would not
get out of the way.
791
00:53:18,161 --> 00:53:21,028
This time, he would lead.
792
00:53:21,131 --> 00:53:23,156
For the last time,
I'm pretty sure...
793
00:53:23,266 --> 00:53:26,235
what's killing the crops
is this Brawndo stuff.
794
00:53:26,336 --> 00:53:29,100
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.
795
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,265
So wait a minute.
What you're saying...
796
00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:35,174
is that you want us
to put water on the crops.
797
00:53:35,278 --> 00:53:38,304
- Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?
798
00:53:38,415 --> 00:53:42,408
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be
out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
799
00:53:42,519 --> 00:53:45,852
- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.
800
00:53:45,956 --> 00:53:47,924
Okay, look.
801
00:53:48,024 --> 00:53:51,516
The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure
that the Brawndo's not working.
802
00:53:51,628 --> 00:53:56,292
Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know
that if you put water on plants, they grow.
803
00:53:56,399 --> 00:54:00,096
Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.
804
00:54:00,203 --> 00:54:03,468
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?
805
00:54:03,573 --> 00:54:07,532
- You wanna solve this problem.
I wanna get my pardon.
806
00:54:07,644 --> 00:54:11,603
So why don't we just try it, okay,
and not worry about what plants crave?
807
00:54:11,715 --> 00:54:14,183
Brawndo's got
what plants crave.
808
00:54:14,284 --> 00:54:16,809
- Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
809
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,354
What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?
810
00:54:19,456 --> 00:54:22,220
It's what they use
to make Brawndo.
811
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:24,953
Yeah, but why do they
use them to make Brawndo?
812
00:54:25,061 --> 00:54:27,621
'Cause Brawndo's
got electrolytes.
813
00:54:30,634 --> 00:54:35,071
After several hours,
Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...
814
00:54:35,171 --> 00:54:38,231
and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...
815
00:54:38,341 --> 00:54:40,969
and that they wanted water.
816
00:54:42,078 --> 00:54:44,410
He made believers
out of everyone.
817
00:54:44,514 --> 00:54:48,075
Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...
818
00:54:48,184 --> 00:54:52,143
were salts that had been
building up in the topsoil over the decades...
819
00:54:52,255 --> 00:54:54,985
killing plants
and leading to the dust bowl.
820
00:54:55,091 --> 00:55:00,825
As secretary of the interior,
Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...
821
00:55:00,930 --> 00:55:06,061
promising that, over time, plants would grow
and the dust bowl would end.
822
00:55:06,169 --> 00:55:10,196
He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.
823
00:55:10,307 --> 00:55:13,435
Or so it seemed.
824
00:55:14,544 --> 00:55:18,446
Man, I hope somethin'
grows fast.
825
00:55:18,548 --> 00:55:20,539
Yeah. So we can haul
our ass back home.
826
00:55:20,650 --> 00:55:24,245
Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?
827
00:55:25,789 --> 00:55:30,419
I don't know. I mean, how did the world
ever get like this?
828
00:55:30,527 --> 00:55:34,395
You know things are bad
when they're comin' to me for answers.
829
00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:37,261
- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
- Mm-hmm.
830
00:55:37,367 --> 00:55:39,597
- I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.
831
00:55:42,339 --> 00:55:46,070
You think Einstein walked around thinkin'
everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
832
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:48,736
Yeah.
Hadn't thought of that.
833
00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:52,975
- Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.
834
00:55:55,385 --> 00:55:57,580
Hey, Joe, listen.
Those cops-
835
00:55:57,687 --> 00:55:59,951
- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
- No. No.
836
00:56:00,056 --> 00:56:03,082
They said that
you got me a pardon.
837
00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:06,219
You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now, so...
838
00:56:07,530 --> 00:56:10,158
I guess I owe you one.
839
00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:15,930
You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.
840
00:56:17,340 --> 00:56:21,504
Oh. No. I'm-
I'm all right. Yeah.
841
00:56:21,611 --> 00:56:25,672
Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.
842
00:56:25,782 --> 00:56:27,443
You in bed with a stranger.
843
00:56:29,185 --> 00:56:31,449
Yeah.
844
00:56:34,357 --> 00:56:36,188
I know. I know.
845
00:56:38,294 --> 00:56:43,288
Yeah. Oh, boy.
846
00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:53,801
Oh, shit.
It's Upgrayedd.
847
00:56:53,910 --> 00:56:56,344
Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.
848
00:56:56,446 --> 00:56:58,744
Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.
849
00:56:58,848 --> 00:57:01,180
But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...
850
00:57:01,284 --> 00:57:03,718
leaving half the population
unemployed...
851
00:57:03,820 --> 00:57:07,517
dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,
rioting and looting...
852
00:57:07,624 --> 00:57:09,558
and screaming
for Joe's head.
853
00:57:09,659 --> 00:57:12,355
An emergency cabinet meeting
was called...
854
00:57:12,462 --> 00:57:14,794
with the C.E.O.
of the Brawndo Corporation.
855
00:57:14,898 --> 00:57:17,366
How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?
856
00:57:17,467 --> 00:57:19,833
Aw, shit. Half the country
works for Brawndo.
857
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,700
Not anymore!
The stock has dropped to zero...
858
00:57:22,806 --> 00:57:24,967
and the computer did
that auto-layoff thing to everybody.
859
00:57:25,074 --> 00:57:27,634
- We're all unemployed!
- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?
860
00:57:27,744 --> 00:57:31,805
- Why is this happening?
- I think it's because we switched to water, but-
861
00:57:31,915 --> 00:57:34,406
- You mean this is all your fault?
- What?
862
00:57:34,517 --> 00:57:38,351
Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started
happening when we switched to water!
863
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:42,357
Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you
by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
864
00:57:45,094 --> 00:57:46,891
Fox News.
865
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:53,193
He tried taking water
from toilets...
866
00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:57,239
but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.
867
00:57:57,340 --> 00:57:59,240
And as history
pulls down its pants...
868
00:57:59,342 --> 00:58:02,607
and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...
869
00:58:02,712 --> 00:58:06,705
it will be Daddy Justice
who will be crapping on him this time.
870
00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:11,014
We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...
871
00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:14,988
at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.
872
00:58:17,494 --> 00:58:21,692
Thank you, Velveeta.
Well, it started off boring and slow...
873
00:58:21,798 --> 00:58:25,359
with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone
with a bunch of smart talk.
874
00:58:25,468 --> 00:58:29,564
Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!
875
00:58:29,672 --> 00:58:31,663
That part of the trial sucked.
876
00:58:31,774 --> 00:58:34,436
But then, the chief "J"
just went off.
877
00:58:34,544 --> 00:58:36,569
He said, "Man, whatever.
878
00:58:36,679 --> 00:58:39,273
The guy's guilty as shit.
We all know that."
879
00:58:39,382 --> 00:58:43,148
And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.
880
00:58:43,253 --> 00:58:45,813
Hey, rehabilitation?
One night?
881
00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:47,822
Doesn't sound so bad.
882
00:58:47,924 --> 00:58:49,789
Not so bad, huh?
883
00:58:49,893 --> 00:58:53,158
Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.
884
00:59:04,140 --> 00:59:07,234
And who could forget that wonderful finish...
885
00:59:07,343 --> 00:59:09,834
by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?
886
00:59:09,946 --> 00:59:13,643
And tomorrow night looks even more better.
887
00:59:13,750 --> 00:59:18,153
Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.
888
00:59:18,254 --> 00:59:20,950
Wow. Thank you, Formica.
889
00:59:22,425 --> 00:59:25,417
So you think you can escape again
like you did last time?
890
00:59:25,528 --> 00:59:28,326
- No. They pretty much fixed that.
- How?
891
00:59:28,431 --> 00:59:30,695
They chained me
to a big rock.
892
00:59:32,101 --> 00:59:34,001
- Oh.
- Yeah.
893
00:59:34,103 --> 00:59:36,298
Look, Rita, get Frito.
894
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,534
Get him to take you back to the time machine
without me. Don't wait.
895
00:59:39,642 --> 00:59:43,669
No. You could have split on me before,
but you didn't.
896
00:59:43,780 --> 00:59:47,181
Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?
897
00:59:47,283 --> 00:59:49,843
Tell people to read books.
898
00:59:49,953 --> 00:59:52,046
Tell people to stay in school,
you know.
899
00:59:52,155 --> 00:59:55,682
Tell people to just
use their brains or something.
900
00:59:55,792 --> 00:59:58,989
I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.
901
00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:03,691
I never did anything with my life.
At least you were an artist, you know?
902
01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:06,360
- So just go back and-
- Visit's over!
903
01:00:09,339 --> 01:00:12,797
And Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?
904
01:00:14,344 --> 01:00:16,312
Good luck, Joe.
905
01:00:23,519 --> 01:00:26,386
Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
906
01:00:26,489 --> 01:00:30,186
Are you ready for a monster-truck duel
to the death?
907
01:00:30,293 --> 01:00:33,820
Yeah! Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.
908
01:00:35,932 --> 01:00:37,900
Okay, we're gonna do this shit.
909
01:00:38,001 --> 01:00:41,164
But first, to lead us
in our Natural Anthem...
910
01:00:41,270 --> 01:00:46,037
the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavez!
911
01:00:46,142 --> 01:00:49,077
Thank you. Thank you.
912
01:00:49,178 --> 01:00:54,172
Hey! Come here!
913
01:00:54,283 --> 01:00:57,844
Come here!
914
01:00:57,954 --> 01:00:59,854
Right in the balls!
915
01:00:59,956 --> 01:01:04,757
That's just how that shit went on TV!
916
01:01:04,861 --> 01:01:09,093
This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.
917
01:01:09,198 --> 01:01:11,098
After you've killed someone...
918
01:01:11,200 --> 01:01:13,134
- your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah.
919
01:01:13,236 --> 01:01:16,535
So, my car's out front...
920
01:01:16,639 --> 01:01:18,903
whenever you want me
to take you...
921
01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:21,238
to the time machine.
922
01:01:21,344 --> 01:01:23,278
Thanks, Frito.
923
01:01:23,379 --> 01:01:25,472
- Yeah.
- I can't hear you!
924
01:01:25,581 --> 01:01:28,778
That's a real bummer
about Joe, huh?
925
01:01:28,885 --> 01:01:31,479
- I can't hear you!
- Yeah.
926
01:01:31,587 --> 01:01:37,048
Oh! Can you turn this up?
I love Rehabilitation.
927
01:01:48,571 --> 01:01:53,031
Okay. Let's meet
our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
928
01:01:53,142 --> 01:01:56,441
With a combined record
of 62 kills...
929
01:01:56,546 --> 01:02:01,381
please welcome Vinny Mawumba
in the Dildozer!
930
01:02:07,190 --> 01:02:12,958
And his brother Bobby Mawumba
in the Ass Blaster!
931
01:02:13,062 --> 01:02:15,030
I get a truck too, right?
932
01:02:15,131 --> 01:02:17,861
Yeah.
Here it comes.
933
01:02:27,510 --> 01:02:29,478
Get in.
934
01:02:33,983 --> 01:02:36,349
You still got
the chain attached.
935
01:02:38,554 --> 01:02:41,114
- Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?
936
01:02:41,224 --> 01:02:43,192
- We could break it.
- No. He could escape.
937
01:02:43,292 --> 01:02:46,853
- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.
- Yeah. That'll work.
938
01:02:50,433 --> 01:02:53,994
- Who's smart now?
- Let's bring out our criminal.
939
01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:57,231
He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.
940
01:02:57,340 --> 01:02:59,740
He cost millions of people
their jobs.
941
01:02:59,842 --> 01:03:03,175
Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Sure!
942
01:03:15,191 --> 01:03:17,557
Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.
943
01:03:17,660 --> 01:03:20,561
Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
944
01:03:20,663 --> 01:03:22,631
Yes.
945
01:03:23,733 --> 01:03:26,566
- I can't watch this.
- This is-
946
01:03:26,669 --> 01:03:31,163
This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.
947
01:03:32,975 --> 01:03:36,877
Holy shit!
Frito, come here! Look!
948
01:03:36,979 --> 01:03:39,447
He was right.
The water- it worked.
949
01:03:39,549 --> 01:03:42,177
Frito, can you
get me over there?
950
01:03:43,152 --> 01:03:45,052
Yes.
951
01:03:45,154 --> 01:03:48,146
No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.
952
01:03:48,257 --> 01:03:50,282
- Uh, this way.
- Yeah!
953
01:03:54,864 --> 01:03:56,764
Come on, Frito.
Hurry!
954
01:03:56,866 --> 01:03:59,892
And now the dude that
everybody came here to see...
955
01:04:00,002 --> 01:04:03,597
- Yeah!
- the only undefeated officer ever in history...
956
01:04:03,706 --> 01:04:07,233
coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...
957
01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:12,303
driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history-
958
01:04:12,415 --> 01:04:16,283
bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...
959
01:04:16,385 --> 01:04:20,412
bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history-
960
01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,458
the brand-new Assdozer!
961
01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:26,255
Give it up for Beef Supreme!
962
01:04:29,832 --> 01:04:31,732
Oh!
963
01:04:37,740 --> 01:04:39,674
Oh!
964
01:04:54,056 --> 01:04:57,321
Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?
965
01:04:57,426 --> 01:04:59,917
We seem to be
"experimenting"...
966
01:05:00,029 --> 01:05:03,328
some "techmological"
differences...
967
01:05:03,432 --> 01:05:05,332
so, uh, shit.
968
01:05:05,434 --> 01:05:08,801
Frito, look!
969
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,100
- It's working everywhere!
- Huh.
970
01:05:11,207 --> 01:05:15,268
Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.
971
01:05:15,378 --> 01:05:18,506
- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-
- Man.
972
01:05:18,614 --> 01:05:20,639
- Hey!
- Oh, oh, okay.
973
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:22,945
- Get this shit started!
- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.
974
01:05:23,052 --> 01:05:26,783
Let the rehabilitation begin!
975
01:05:36,332 --> 01:05:38,892
Oh, shit.
976
01:05:39,001 --> 01:05:41,902
Come on. Come on.
977
01:05:42,004 --> 01:05:44,472
Come on, Frito. Hurry!
978
01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:49,805
Oh!
979
01:05:54,517 --> 01:05:56,041
Goddamn it.
980
01:05:58,454 --> 01:06:02,322
- Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.
981
01:06:04,827 --> 01:06:07,728
Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.
982
01:06:07,830 --> 01:06:10,025
You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.
983
01:06:10,132 --> 01:06:13,033
We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.
984
01:06:13,135 --> 01:06:15,035
I didn't see no crops.
985
01:06:16,172 --> 01:06:17,867
They're circling around.
986
01:06:17,974 --> 01:06:20,499
They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on him!
987
01:06:23,145 --> 01:06:26,546
- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.
- Oh!
988
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:50,362
So, uh-So the winner is, uh-
989
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:55,371
- You gotta be shittin' me.
- Did he win?
990
01:06:58,247 --> 01:07:00,442
Uh-oh. Look.
991
01:07:02,318 --> 01:07:06,049
Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!
992
01:07:13,396 --> 01:07:15,159
Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!
993
01:07:15,264 --> 01:07:19,530
Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...
994
01:07:19,635 --> 01:07:22,263
- right by the Starbucks?
- Uh-huh.
995
01:07:22,371 --> 01:07:26,467
- Hey. Wanna make some money?
- I like money.
996
01:07:40,689 --> 01:07:44,989
Hey, um, the, uh- the main
screen is malfunctioning...
997
01:07:45,094 --> 01:07:47,619
and they gonna need you
outside immediately.
998
01:07:50,833 --> 01:07:53,859
There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.
999
01:07:57,039 --> 01:07:59,530
Come on, Frito.
Hurry.
1000
01:08:00,609 --> 01:08:02,702
Can't believe
you like money too.
1001
01:08:02,812 --> 01:08:05,303
- We should hang out.
- Totally.
1002
01:08:30,639 --> 01:08:32,664
He's behind the truck!
1003
01:08:34,777 --> 01:08:37,541
Yes! Yes!
1004
01:08:38,914 --> 01:08:40,973
- He's behind the fucking truck!
- He's over there!
1005
01:08:41,083 --> 01:08:43,142
Behind the truck, stupid!
1006
01:08:53,462 --> 01:08:55,054
Look!
1007
01:08:57,266 --> 01:09:00,827
Shit.
That's a good deal.
1008
01:09:00,936 --> 01:09:05,430
- Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.
1009
01:09:05,541 --> 01:09:08,169
- Forgot what it was for.
- Huh.
1010
01:09:09,445 --> 01:09:13,245
- You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.
1011
01:09:13,349 --> 01:09:17,615
- You like money and sex?
You're trippin' me out.
- What the fuck?
1012
01:09:19,855 --> 01:09:22,085
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1013
01:09:31,734 --> 01:09:35,602
- Just hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?
1014
01:09:35,704 --> 01:09:37,604
Can I just
say something here?
1015
01:09:40,009 --> 01:09:42,944
I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.
1016
01:09:43,045 --> 01:09:46,947
I never said that I was the smartest person
on earth. You people did.
1017
01:09:47,049 --> 01:09:50,712
I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs
and all your money...
1018
01:09:50,819 --> 01:09:52,946
and I'm very sorry
that that happened.
1019
01:09:53,055 --> 01:09:55,080
But I'm tellin' you...
1020
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:57,557
if you put water on the crops,
it might actually-
1021
01:09:57,660 --> 01:10:00,652
No, it will work.
I promise you!
1022
01:10:00,763 --> 01:10:05,166
You just have to believe me.
I just wanted to help you. That's all.
1023
01:10:05,267 --> 01:10:10,102
So you can try and shoot me.
You can try and run me over, whatever.
1024
01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:13,664
But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first.
1025
01:10:14,877 --> 01:10:17,402
Do you really want to live
in a world...
1026
01:10:17,513 --> 01:10:21,005
where you try to blow up the one person
that's tryin' to help you?
1027
01:10:31,860 --> 01:10:34,090
Hold on. Just hold on.
1028
01:10:55,484 --> 01:10:57,679
Oh, man.
That was great.
1029
01:10:57,786 --> 01:11:01,449
Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?
1030
01:11:01,557 --> 01:11:04,958
Shit. What do I look like,
a pants goblin?
1031
01:11:05,060 --> 01:11:08,393
Wait.
This reminds me of something.
1032
01:11:08,497 --> 01:11:11,364
Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate-
1033
01:11:11,467 --> 01:11:14,664
- Rehabilation."
- Why do you keep trying to read that word?
1034
01:11:14,770 --> 01:11:18,297
- You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!
1035
01:11:26,949 --> 01:11:29,975
- Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.
1036
01:11:31,353 --> 01:11:33,821
Oh, yeah.
1037
01:12:15,331 --> 01:12:19,791
This guy just got
his ass a pardon!
1038
01:12:27,810 --> 01:12:29,573
Yeah!
1039
01:12:43,859 --> 01:12:47,295
Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.
1040
01:12:47,396 --> 01:12:50,661
You saved my life.
No one's ever done anything like that for me.
1041
01:12:50,766 --> 01:12:52,666
Yeah, well...
1042
01:12:52,768 --> 01:12:55,794
you were looking out for the whole world so,
you know...
1043
01:12:55,904 --> 01:12:59,601
- I thought someone should look out for you too.
- Thanks.
1044
01:13:01,210 --> 01:13:03,576
I can't believe I'm even
saying this, but...
1045
01:13:03,679 --> 01:13:05,670
even though these people
tried to kill me...
1046
01:13:05,781 --> 01:13:09,239
- you know, I think I'm actually gonna
kinda miss 'em.
- Yeah.
1047
01:13:09,351 --> 01:13:12,184
Frito- he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.
1048
01:13:12,287 --> 01:13:15,518
I just, uh-
I hope he's okay to drive.
1049
01:13:16,959 --> 01:13:20,087
It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.
1050
01:13:20,195 --> 01:13:22,493
Thank you so much.
1051
01:13:22,598 --> 01:13:27,763
- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?
1052
01:13:29,571 --> 01:13:33,439
I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.
1053
01:13:33,542 --> 01:13:35,510
Maybe it's time
I got a new start.
1054
01:13:35,611 --> 01:13:39,741
Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
1055
01:13:39,848 --> 01:13:42,510
- I'm gonna be a C.E.O.
- At Starbucks?
1056
01:13:42,618 --> 01:13:45,451
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?
1057
01:13:47,122 --> 01:13:50,523
Yeah. Sure.
1058
01:13:50,626 --> 01:13:52,457
I guess this is
good-bye then.
1059
01:13:54,329 --> 01:13:56,559
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
1060
01:13:56,665 --> 01:13:59,134
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
1061
01:13:59,169 --> 01:14:00,829
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
1062
01:14:00,936 --> 01:14:05,168
Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.
1063
01:14:07,776 --> 01:14:10,006
Let me get that little
peanut head up here.
1064
01:14:10,112 --> 01:14:12,876
Yo. Yo.
1065
01:14:12,981 --> 01:14:14,915
I have decided...
1066
01:14:15,017 --> 01:14:17,542
to make this man-
1067
01:14:17,653 --> 01:14:20,588
the man who solved
all our problems-
1068
01:14:21,924 --> 01:14:24,586
I have decided to make him...
1069
01:14:24,693 --> 01:14:26,991
my new vice president.
1070
01:14:29,531 --> 01:14:32,762
Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir...
1071
01:14:32,868 --> 01:14:36,736
- but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?
1072
01:14:36,839 --> 01:14:41,572
- You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.
1073
01:14:41,677 --> 01:14:44,669
Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.
1074
01:14:44,780 --> 01:14:47,248
- How?
- Think about it, you know?
1075
01:14:47,349 --> 01:14:50,409
You're just gonna have to figure it out
like we did with the crops.
1076
01:14:50,519 --> 01:14:55,047
But how are we gonna figure out about
the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?
1077
01:14:55,157 --> 01:15:00,993
And what about the nuc-
"nucular" reactor in Florida?
1078
01:15:01,096 --> 01:15:03,564
It's broke and leaky
and something's happening.
1079
01:15:03,665 --> 01:15:09,035
- I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.
1080
01:15:09,137 --> 01:15:12,197
Hey. Hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?
1081
01:15:12,307 --> 01:15:15,367
- Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.
1082
01:15:15,477 --> 01:15:18,173
- Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.
1083
01:15:18,280 --> 01:15:20,578
Hey, you can't leave.
1084
01:15:20,682 --> 01:15:26,621
Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,
or get outta the way" shit, huh?
1085
01:15:37,399 --> 01:15:41,802
I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,
can I? You know what?
1086
01:15:41,904 --> 01:15:44,805
- Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!
1087
01:15:48,844 --> 01:15:52,245
That ride sucks anyways.
1088
01:15:52,347 --> 01:15:54,474
Ride?
1089
01:15:57,953 --> 01:16:00,421
Welcome to the Time Masheen.
1090
01:16:00,522 --> 01:16:05,016
We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...
1091
01:16:05,127 --> 01:16:07,618
when Charlie Chaplin
and his evil Nazi regime...
1092
01:16:07,729 --> 01:16:10,789
enslaved Europe and tried
to take over the world.
1093
01:16:10,899 --> 01:16:13,493
So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?
1094
01:16:13,602 --> 01:16:17,094
Yeah. You thought you could really
travel through time, huh?
1095
01:16:17,205 --> 01:16:19,571
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.
1096
01:16:19,675 --> 01:16:22,610
For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.
1097
01:16:22,711 --> 01:16:27,614
- So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.
1098
01:16:27,716 --> 01:16:31,516
But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.
1099
01:16:31,620 --> 01:16:35,112
You know, 'cause I can't go back in time
and open a savings account.
1100
01:16:35,223 --> 01:16:38,158
Uh, uh, uh-
1101
01:16:38,260 --> 01:16:41,024
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
1102
01:16:42,564 --> 01:16:44,498
Well,
I guess we're stuck here.
1103
01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:49,697
But then an even
greater force emerged- the "UN."
1104
01:16:49,805 --> 01:16:53,842
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
1105
01:16:53,877 --> 01:16:54,103
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
1106
01:16:54,276 --> 01:16:57,768
And so, after serving a short
term as vice president...
1107
01:16:57,879 --> 01:17:01,178
Joe was elected
the president of America.
1108
01:17:01,283 --> 01:17:03,444
Frito became vice president...
1109
01:17:03,552 --> 01:17:06,715
and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.
1110
01:17:06,822 --> 01:17:10,314
Today I step into the shoes
of a great man...
1111
01:17:10,425 --> 01:17:14,555
a man by the name
of Dwayne Elizondo...
1112
01:17:14,663 --> 01:17:18,656
Mountain Dew
Herbert Camacho.
1113
01:17:18,767 --> 01:17:22,897
Under President Not Sure's
leadership, a new era dawned.
1114
01:17:23,005 --> 01:17:26,839
You know, there was a time
in this country...
1115
01:17:26,942 --> 01:17:31,208
when smart people
were considered cool.
1116
01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:34,248
Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...
1117
01:17:34,349 --> 01:17:38,410
like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.
1118
01:17:38,520 --> 01:17:40,044
Yeah!
1119
01:17:42,190 --> 01:17:46,388
And there was a time
in this country, a long time ago...
1120
01:17:46,495 --> 01:17:48,895
when reading wasn't
just for fags...
1121
01:17:48,997 --> 01:17:51,261
and neither was writing.
1122
01:17:51,366 --> 01:17:55,462
People wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...
1123
01:17:55,570 --> 01:17:59,870
so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.
1124
01:17:59,975 --> 01:18:03,433
And I believe that time
can come again!
1125
01:18:15,357 --> 01:18:18,952
Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!
1126
01:18:22,798 --> 01:18:24,766
Joe and Rita had three children...
1127
01:18:24,866 --> 01:18:27,664
the three smartest kids
in the world.
1128
01:18:28,804 --> 01:18:31,295
Vice President Frito
took eight wives...
1129
01:18:31,406 --> 01:18:33,840
and had a total of 32 kids-
1130
01:18:33,942 --> 01:18:37,173
thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.
1131
01:18:42,417 --> 01:18:45,580
Okay, so maybe Joe
didn't save mankind...
1132
01:18:45,687 --> 01:18:48,121
but he got the ball rolling...
1133
01:18:48,223 --> 01:18:52,023
and that's pretty good
for an average guy.
1134
01:23:51,926 --> 01:23:54,622
I'm gonna go find this ho.
1 comment:
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